Please help I need advice

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Oh, that does sound horrible. I understand you wanting to live peacefully. If it helps to understand what may be Aspie traits and what things are just your husband's own choices, I don't personally think this is all attributable to Aspie traits. The things that strike me as more likely to be related to an ASD are that he may have problems understanding social situations, feel isolated, may not believe that monogamy is logical, may not be able to empathise with your suffering and may find it difficult to alter what he has found to be workable social practices. Your original question about lying is an interesting one: I've heard people say that having autism means you can't lie. I want blunt truth, but I lie all the time: I think it's the only way not to upset people and therefore to function in public. The line between lying and being polite is invisible to me. If your husband thinks like I do, he may be a very good liar.
None of this should, however, mean he can't acknowledge that you and your children are being made to suffer because of his behaviour. It is also not impossible to alter one's own behaviours (although it is quite hard, as it's unsystematic). Perhaps he doesn't understand that losing you and your children is a reality, and that his behaviour may cause you to leave him. I don't know if it would, either, obviously! He may just want to flirt with women, no matter how it makes you feel. I think that's mean, and I don't know if I could enjoy life with someone who was mean to me.
I wish I knew how to be more helpful. I hope you find a way to be happy.

Yes, the fact you say he lies alot does sound worrying! That isnt a common thing for many aspies, yes we can tell white lies that are not manipulative in nature nor have negative intent. It can actually be quit painful for many of us to lie. We have enough going on upstairs to have to deal with remembering what lies we have said also...
Have you tried some form of counseling with someone that has experience with the spectrum? Sometimes it might hit home a little more coming from a neutral third party.

Yes we had AS counselling, he never spoke much at the sessions and he lied to the counsellor about the women. She said he has got used to me speaking for him. However she did mention he should take responsibility for his actions otherwise he would get 'jumped by a woman' . Couldn't continue with the counselling although we attended he never really took part. As for the lies yes he can't remember what he has lied about that's how I know he tells lies. Too many different versions.

Hmmmmm.... Even though i said we males have a soft spot... Still needs to ''man up'' about the lying especially!
Let us know how it goes once you chat to him about what has been mentioned here. Hopefully you managed to at least get a little something from it all.

How do you know that he really is an "aspie"?

That's probably just another one of his lies.

Most likely he is a NT sociopath who just pretends to be an aspie.


A typical aspie is way too dorky to have even one mate (much less be multiple), and is too dorky to lie about anything.

"Is it common for AS person to tells lies and have affairs?"

Nope and nope.

Well, there's a whole lotta factors, at play, here----here's a couple of things, I thought-of.....

It seems like he is "feeding" off of these women's attention, to him----either, it's just merely his ego, that's being fed, or something else. For instance, one of the FIRST things, that caught my eye, was that you said when you all had financial problems, then the thing with women, started again----so, I'm thinking that, maybe, when you all had the financial problems, it made him feel, about himself, that he was a loser, and he does this with women because it "gives" him, self-esteem (as opposed to an ADULT who creates / builds their OWN self-esteem).

Another thing that caught my eye, was your saying that he was very close to his mother and grandmother----and, that the girls in his school thought he was weird, and wouldn't give him the time-of-day----and, I'm thinking that, maybe, he has always been searching for what he got, from his mother and grandmother; and, also, that you try to mother him, but you've got the kids (and are persistently ill, now), and I'm thinking he's not liking taking a backseat, to those things.

Unfortunately, it's sounding alot like you've got, maybe, a spoiled-rotten brat, on your hands. It's seeming like his mother and grandmother spoiled him, and then you continued to enable his bad behavior, by continuing to spoil him----NOT knowing that you were (and that you were just taking care of your man, like, maybe, you were raised to do [as *I* was, so can totally understand it, if that's what happened])----and, now that you have the children and your illness, you're wanting him to grow-up; and, unfortunately, the situation may be too far gone, and he's unwilling to do that, now (that's why I'm thinking it's like you said, that he never learns----it's because he doesn't WANT to learn----and, that he's probably thinking "Why SHOULD I learn, when what I'm doing, brings me great rewards?").

As for whether Aspies can lie and have affairs: although, it doesn't seem to be, like, in an Aspie's "DNA" to be a liar, Aspies CAN, IMO, concurrently, be a narcissist----and then, they are very SKILLED liars, as that is in a narcissist's "DNA", so-to-speak (it's their whole MO, basically).

A couple of other things I thought-of, is: At first I thought that, knowing an Aspie, he'd probably, practically, give birth to kittens (be scared-to-death), if any of these women actually took him up, on his flirtations----but, then you said, they actually DO; and, I'm concerned that he will one day, FIND the nerve to actually BE with one of them (if you believe him, that he hasn't, already).

The other thing that really concerned me, was that you said that HE said that he would leave you, if you did the same things, HE does. This is concerning because I wondered if he is being manipulative (as in, he's flirting with these women because he knows it bothers you, and he's, in effect, saying: "See, if you don't act right, any one of THEM, will have me").

Anyway, I SOOOO feel for you----especially if he is, in fact, playin' ya (manipulating you, like what I said, in the last paragraph)----and, I'm so terribly sorry for your chronic illness, and that it doesn't look like you're ever gonna have, with him, someone who will take an equal share of life's burdens.

Camping Cat, thank you for your insight, I can relate to what you are saying, I struggle between the two, AS and Narcissistic behaviour. I am quite confused as they say some AS behaviour can been seen as Narcissistic.

When i was typing my first response to you, there were a few flags that didnt add up for me and my gut was in part thinking if he was a narc that had been misdiagnosed as an aspie, then two others mentioned it... I dont wish to challenge his diagnosis for a number of reasons. But for the sake of any misunderstandings, please dont think that those on the spectrum are connected in any way to the opposite spectrum of which you have mentioned. However autism is a ''spectrum''.. We are no better no worse than anyone else, just different and just like NT's there could be some on the ASPD spectrum also, but often this may not be genetic but brought on by environmental factors when growing up.

I do not mean to offend anyone, I am so really really confused. I do agree that AS and narcissistic behaviour are very different, I guess for me trying to work out what is going on with my husband is very much too confusing. At the end of the day, I am not worried if he is either, I just want to be treated with respect. I can put up with a lot of things but having other women in our relationship is a deal breaker. If he has AS and it is all to do with communication misunderstandings, I can but only sympathise with him. Thank you all for your help and support.

Camping cat, I really appreciate this, thank you for putting in the time. I also find this interesting.

You're quite WELCOME!! I continue to keep you, in my thoughts and prayers.

Please DO stop back by, and let us know how you're doing......