Holding grudges for years?

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yeah exactly.

you can't measure a grudge or how long you held a grudge.

personally i hold a lot of long term grudges. but, the neuropsychiatrist that diagnosed me with AS gave me a full score (highest score) on the Rote Memory section of the WIAT IQ test. so, maybe if my memory were weaker, than i would not hold as many grudges.

where i live is urban/suburban. not in the middle of nowhere, in the woods, or in the wilderness. however, it is not somewhere you go, unless you live there, are visiting someone that lives there, or are lost. where i live, there are not many places to work. besides, of course, the random minimum wage cashier job and similar jobs.

a couple years ago, went to some different social groups. did not go to a lot of groups and did not go for a long time. sometimes see someone from one of the groups. but there is nobody, or almost nobody, that i consider a friend. almost everyone either ignored me, or somehow betrayed me.

at this point, i am just too tired of getting rejected, betrayed, and et cetera.

that social interaction does not seem. appear like. that it is worth the cost benefit analysis

seriously

yeah for functional reasons i need people. for example i do not know how to do any difficult things. and there are a lot of easy things i still do not know how to do. despite over six years of college.

like i do not know how to fix the toilet, clean the gutters, cook anything besides boiling water, fix the computer, sew a hole in clothes, parallel park. and et cetera.

but that's just job skills. i ain't got no job skills. big deal. who cares?

plenty of people with a lot of job skills, also do not have jobs.

but emotionally and socially. quite frankly at this point, with the. exception of the Internet.

seriously though do not feel like i need people. or maybe it's not that i do not need precious lil "people", in that i am already awesome without them. but it is that i am doing badly without precious lil "people", & that i would also be doing just as badly with precious lil "people".