Don't Talk About Other People To Me
I think they do, in their own way. My cat happily lets our next door neighbour's cat into our garden, but any other cat from the neighbourhood that comes in, my cat goes mad and fights them until they run off again. Often my cat and her best friend from next door sit together. I bet she b*****s about the other cats to him!
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jrjones9933
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Gossip can serve a useful social function, if someone has created a danger for other people. It serves everyone to have that information spread around. However, I have a problem with slut-shaming and other criticism that people have no business to spread around. Speaking out against that kind of gossip or refusing to participate does diminish opportunities to bond with people, but I have no desire to bond with people by beating up a third party.
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"I find that the best way [to increase self-confidence] is to lie to yourself about who you are, what you've done, and where you're going." - Richard Ayoade
"If someone has created a danger for other people". That's not gossip then. I call it a "warning", but it must be factual, not rumours. Empty gossip is useless. A "warning" is not. A "warning" can save "lives". I am not interested in other people's business, but when it comes to safety...I have to pay attention.
This annoys me too because people automatically assume I care about the people they're discussing, because we're related.
I don't care. At all. I just had a very frank discussion about this with a relative and I think, dispelled some of her false image of me. Just because we're related means absolutely nothing to me. I haven't seen these people in decades, I will probably never see them again in my life. I have no contact with them.
I don't want to be constantly told all about them, what they're doing, what their kids are doing, what you think about them, just because we're related somehow.
This does not interest me. I don't care about those people. They're nothing to me.
I cannot seem to drive that into the head of this relative. I don't want to be repetitively told about the minute lives of strangers I don't give a shite about.
Don't talk about people to me.
I agree with the comment somewhere above - often the people who discuss others do so because they have nothing better to talk about. They have no interesting topics to discuss, nothing new to say. Just repeat shite about pointless people.
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Alexithymia - 147 points.
Low-Verbal.
I don't care. At all. I just had a very frank discussion about this with a relative and I think, dispelled some of her false image of me. Just because we're related means absolutely nothing to me. I haven't seen these people in decades, I will probably never see them again in my life. I have no contact with them.
I don't want to be constantly told all about them, what they're doing, what their kids are doing, what you think about them, just because we're related somehow.
This does not interest me. I don't care about those people. They're nothing to me.
I cannot seem to drive that into the head of this relative. I don't want to be repetitively told about the minute lives of strangers I don't give a shite about.
Don't talk about people to me.
I agree with the comment somewhere above - often the people who discuss others do so because they have nothing better to talk about. They have no interesting topics to discuss, nothing new to say. Just repeat shite about pointless people.
That's why I don't keep in touch with any of my relatives. Truthfully, it's better not to have any at all than having a bunch of them who constantly annoy me.
Unfortunately, in the community, I sometimes have to put up with things you mentioned above just to be polite. However, some of them approach me for "professional" advice. That's different. That's something serious to talk about, not empty talk.
I do like to learn from others and hear about their experience related to my topics of interest but not so-and-so did what and where and such-and-such's kids...or celebrities. I want edifying lessons, not useless information!
jrjones9933
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For many NT's making jokes about others is a form of bonding, that is how they make friends - I kid you not.
For many gossip is a hobby, it's their favourite thing to do in life - this is why soap opera's are so popular.
I tend to like stories about people who have overcome great odds and succeeded. That is why Denis Istomin's story inspires me. He also seems like a very nice, intelligent, personable young man with a great sense of humor and a great love for his family. All of those traits show themselves in his interviews.
I like Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal because they are nice people who have reached the very top in their chosen field.
There is a difference between gossip and talking about someone just because they hurt your feelings your pissed you off or because you had a conflict or you are just talking about your outing you had with them and what you both did together.
Aspies do this too because I have experienced it online. You tell someone something personal in PM and then somehow other aspies know about it and you never even written about it online for everyone to read or they seem to know your thoughts and you never written it or they think things of you that are not true and there are rumors. There was a rumor online on other aspie forums that I had sex with lot of guys and I had no idea where that came from. That was ten years ago. It's not an NT thing to gossip.
Now if you had a problem at work with your boss or co worker so you came home and ranted about it to your husband, that isn't gossip because he isn't going to to tell other people about it or if you tell a friend about it, that isn't gossip because they also aren't going to tell other people about it or go to that person about it and tell them. People that just like to blab things to people about what you say to them or go to those other people to tell them what you told them about them can't be trusted. I don't know why they do it but I am guessing they do it to make trouble and to create conflict and drama because they love gossip and drama.
I also know I have been talked about at work behind my back because one of my co workers somehow knew my work history there so I assume he either snooped on the computer and looked in the employees work files since it's not password protected or my boss talks about employers. Plus he seemed to know my exact thoughts because I have never said those to him or he just happened to come to this forum too because he says he has borderline autism (ADHD, that is what he calls it) or unless my co workers told him because I said to one of them one time "he thinks I am not doing my job just because I am not doing it his way but I have my own way of doing it." How else would he know? It's not like he can see my thoughts. But he doesn't seem to work in my building anymore or work the same hours as us. But I have never said anything bad about him.
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Son: Diagnosed w/anxiety and ADHD. Also academic delayed and ASD lv 1.
Daughter: NT, no diagnoses. Possibly OCD. Is very private about herself.
Aspies do this too because I have experienced it online. You tell someone something personal in PM and then somehow other aspies know about it and you never even written about it online for everyone to read or they seem to know your thoughts and you never written it or they think things of you that are not true and there are rumors. There was a rumor online on other aspie forums that I had sex with lot of guys and I had no idea where that came from. That was ten years ago. It's not an NT thing to gossip.
Now if you had a problem at work with your boss or co worker so you came home and ranted about it to your husband, that isn't gossip because he isn't going to to tell other people about it or if you tell a friend about it, that isn't gossip because they also aren't going to tell other people about it or go to that person about it and tell them. People that just like to blab things to people about what you say to them or go to those other people to tell them what you told them about them can't be trusted. I don't know why they do it but I am guessing they do it to make trouble and to create conflict and drama because they love gossip and drama.
I also know I have been talked about at work behind my back because one of my co workers somehow knew my work history there so I assume he either snooped on the computer and looked in the employees work files since it's not password protected or my boss talks about employers. Plus he seemed to know my exact thoughts because I have never said those to him or he just happened to come to this forum too because he says he has borderline autism (ADHD, that is what he calls it) or unless my co workers told him because I said to one of them one time "he thinks I am not doing my job just because I am not doing it his way but I have my own way of doing it." How else would he know? It's not like he can see my thoughts. But he doesn't seem to work in my building anymore or work the same hours as us. But I have never said anything bad about him.
Gossip can turn into a malicious slander. I agree with you that we sometimes rant and we need that. We are all humans. I only talk about my thoughts to a specific person, who can be trusted. I don't comment or assume. I say things like: this happened and here is the consequesnce, so what should I do?
Polite rant is ok and I can lend a sympathetic ear. However, I once challenaged a person who bad-mouthed someone I knew very well. I said to the person "How do you know? You just assumed." and much much more. It made her fume and she started screaming my apartment down. I became aggressive because I could not stand her voice anymore. I told her to get out and severed contact with her. By the way, it was not the first time that she screamed. I am normally patient and tolerant, but I do have limits.
It's quite scary to know that someone knows what you said and that PM is not really private.
CockneyRebel
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