hearing your parent's side

Post Reply New Topic

If I do have autism then my parents never noticed.

There were all sorts of funny stories my parents would tell to anyone who would listen about how I would sit and bang my head against the wall all day or the epic public meltdowns I would have. The doctor even came out once to see me do the head banging and prescribed antibiotics. I don't know what was meant to be funnier, my head-banging or the doctors verdict. Either way, clearly I was just fine. Then there were long years of concealed early-onset anorexia and suicidal thoughts and behaviour. Nobody noticed that either. And when I asked for help I think I was mostly made to doubt my own experience. Looking back there were a lot of other (unrelated) physical issues with me they just ignored. I sleep walked. I fainted, a lot. I had stomach aches constantly (until I stopped gluten as an adult), and my parents never seemed overly concerned. I still have no clue whether I would actually class as autistic and will probably never know. I don't actually need to know. What I would like is for my parents to be less of a mystery to me but instead as I look back I find them more and more of a mystery.

I moved out of home very, very early (when I was still a child in many ways) and things got a lot better for me from that point onwards!

Now as a mum of an autistic child I love having a confidently autistic daughter. I love being able to understand some of what she is going through although she has many more challenges than I did. I might have rose-tinted glasses, but I do realise there are going to be tough times ahead, just like there are some tough times behind us. But we talk about everything and we try and solve everything together. It will sound awful, but I often find myself secretly thinking "gosh, what boring children other people have!" My daughter is really amazing.

The last thing I would want to do as a parent is moan with parents of other autistic children. In fact I don't speak to other mums or friends about my daughter at all as I feel this is her diagnosis and I wouldn't share it without her permission. The only people who know are people she chose to tell.

In many ways that is why being able to come to this forum is so important for me. It is not just that I get insight into the road ahead and have people to talk to about autism but it is also that it makes me feel like everything is ok because there is a whole world out there of people who get it and who find ways to make it through the good, the bad and the really tough. Growing up that is all I would have wanted to have for myself - people who got it.

My folks don't really talk about this for the most part. I know when they speak of my brother they do say it was hard but then my brother was kinda hard going through school and everything because he got in trouble a lot. I was a quiet kid and for the most part one of the good kids. But I think they have it harder with me then my brother because they worry about me a lot and what gonna be after they pass on and everything.

It doesn't hurt me, it's reality and reality doesn't care about feelings. It is what it is. My mom will say every child is different and it depends on the child and that I was her first child so she didn't know any different. I was harder to raise because my brain worked different so I processed things different.

elsapelsa,

Reading your posts, I can see you are a great and loving mother. You also work with your daughter and you do a lot of things together. I knew I was loved growing up, but I missed a lot of opportunities to achieve normal adult milestones. Maybe people thought I was smart enough to figure things out for myself. In some ways, that was true, such as academics, but I would have appreciated opportunities to do normal things when my brain was at peak efficiency.

YES this happens to me all the time, with my parents and siblings. It makes me feel like absolute garbage and a burden. I hate when they say that, and I've tried explaining to them, but it didn't work. Sometimes my parents and brother get mad at me for having meltdowns. I've told them I can't control meltdowns! But they just call them "tantrums" and "bad behavior" and "random" even when I have explained my triggers (ie sensory overload, emotional stress, harsh criticism, schedule changes, etc). It honestly just makes the meltdown worse to be yelled at and told I'm hard to live with. I love my family and I'm sure they mean no harm, but sometimes I feel like because I am so "hard to live with" that no one will ever accept me if I show them the "real me", which is awful for my self-esteem.

I know how you feel, Child of the Universe. I feel that, if I showed my true self, I would never find anyone to love me. It has been that way all my life. I hope something will change. In general, I am doing well and am making a lot of friends, but I believe marriage is an impossible dream for me. I believe there is a lot I can do and have, but that seems far out of reach.

My parents complained about how difficult I was aLOT. I have various mental & physical disabilities in addition to my autism thou. My mom suspected me of being on the spectrum sense I was a toddler but our GP just said "Nick's just being Nick". I couldn't quality for any services or help related to my autism & some of my other disabilities & issues weren't known about either. I had LOTs of meltdowns with my mom & she often accused me of being selfish, demanding, dependent, & manipulative along with lots of other things. She regurarly threatened to kick me out, put me up for adoption, or send me to juvi or military skewl when I was having a meltdown.
The ironic thing is that my mom is a teacher & has worked with kids with disabilities & issues & she seemed a lot more understanding of them. I think she was completely lost & frustrated with how to raise an only child with so many special needs & she thought I was the problem cuz I wanted to be instead of the issues I was born with.
It made me pretty upset at the time & it just made our relationship & my issues worse. Things are aLOT better between us since I moved out.