The purpose of "thank you"

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Most people don't actually care how you are feeling on the inside; they care about your ability to observe the formalities of communication. That professor who "thought you weren't feeling interest" was REALLY saying they didn't want to work with someone who monologues about themselves. That girl who "thought you weren't feeling interest" was really saying she didn't want a relationship with someone who behaved the way you did that made her feel rejected. And people who buy you gifts don't care how grateful you feel invisibly, on the inside, when they give it to you. They want to BE THANKED.

How it is "obvious" to someone outside of yourself? How would they know?

Personally I feel that the obligatory responses expected serve no true purpose as they are expected in every situation so they have lost all meaning, such as have a nice day. Probably does not help you.

The fact that I complain and argue when its taken away should imply that I used to enjoy it when I had it.

a) If so, why did they phrase it as if they talked about how I feel on the inside?

b) You uses the word "formality". But why would people care about formalities unless they serve some purpose? Perhaps your answer is in the word "ability". So are they being ableist here? If you want to discriminate against the elderly you make a formality that people do ten sit-ups as part of greeting; if you want to discriminate against autistics you come up with formality of thank you. If its not any of those things what is the purpose of them caring about " ability to observe formalities" (your words not mine)?

Last edited by MalchikBrodyaga on 27 Jun 2018, 2:18 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I'm with the majority in this thread. The purpose of 'thank you' is to show that you appreciate whatever they did for you or gave you.

I would definitely take note if someone didn't say thank you to me in an expected situation. It would come off as rude. If they were so emotional that they forgot and then said it later, that would definitely go some way to mitigate that impression.

The key word is "appreciate". Now, contrary to popular belief, "lack of appreciation" isn't coupled to selfishness, rather its coupled to ascetism. So the information that "thank you" conveys is "look, I am not ascetic, I actually enjoy worldly pleasures". Yet, people do, in fact, couple supposed ascetism to supposed selfishness. What condition has both components? Autism of course. Thats why I feel like it has something to do with stigma against autistics.

Part of the reason I am thinking along this line is that, when I complain about being single, I am often told "your relationship status doesn't matter as long as you are happy with yourself" or "you can't be happy with someone else unless you are happy with yourself", etc. and all of this sounds like a bunch of nonesense. Perhaps I don't use the word "thank you" and that is what lead people to believe I am ascetic of some sort, and so they give me an advice for an ascetic.

Last edited by MalchikBrodyaga on 27 Jun 2018, 4:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.

How would another person know you're enjoying something BEFORE it is taken away?

Other people cannot read your mind. You have to speak up.

So, if they wrongly decided I didn't like it and took it away, and then I corrected their misperception after it was taken away, why wouldn't they believe me? Sure, I said it when it was too late, but I still said it, didn't I? Back when I didn't say anything, all they could do was assume, and they made a wrong assumption that I didn't enjoy it. Then when I finally said something, I corrected their assumption. So why do they trust their assumption over something I actually said (even if I said it too late)?

I can't be lying that I enjoy something when I don't: because I don't have anything to gain out of that lie, other than something I (supposedly) don't enjoy. So what else do they think? Do they assume I have multiple personalities and thats why I don't enjoy it yet say that I do?

If you want to know what other people think you have to ask them. But my guess is that both the girl and the professor just decided it wasn't worth the trouble trying to explain it.

It's not possible to go back in time and correct those mistakes in the past. The only thing you can do is learn from them and don't make that mistake again.

Well, when I argue with them, I am "implicitly" asking them: namely, asking them to tell their side of the story. But perhaps my mistake is that I ask implicitly rather than explicitly: a lot of people told me that I sound like I don't actually ask and just tell everyone they are wrong. But on my end it is about phrasing: I obviously do care what they think, as evident from the fact that I am asking it here on this board -- which I have to do because the people in question wouldn't answer.

By the way, do you think if I were to phrase it in a way that makes it more obvious that I want to know what they think, that would make them more willing to listen to my side of the story as well, and believe my justifications?



Why not? I mean, if both people in question were to agree to have a redo, who would stop them? So the only reason its impossible is that the other party doesn't want a redo. Which leads to the question: why not?

I underlined something you wrote. When people tell you something, listen to them. Even though I don't know you in real life, I was thinking this same thing. What you say may come off sounding bad because it sounds like you are placing the blame on them. That is a for sure way to get someone to cut you off. Rather, ask them how you can improve and just listen. Listen to what they say and learn from it and do what they say. Ask them if they want to hear your side of the story as well. Because honestly it sounds like you do a lot of blame shifting, which is going to turn a lot of people off on you. It's not fair, but it's the truth.

Why not? Because it's not worth it. You can ASK those people if they want a redo, but the question is is it worth worrying about? Do you see these people every day or even have frequent contact with them? If you work with them, then maybe it is worth it. If not, why bother?

I always say thank you because it is polite and shows gratitude. When people don't say thank you after I did something for them, I don't like that . Doesn't bother me but next time they ask me for help, it might effect if I have time or not

As far as placing blame, I guess in some situations its harder not to place blame than at others. To give you an example of a situation where its difficult not to place blame, was a certain woman on a dating site two years ago who asked me if it is possible for me to fall in love since Sheldon couldn't fall in love.

Now, if I "try" not to place blame on her, I could point out to myself that my former officemate also has Asperger but nobody asks him those questions because he learned to act normally, and also in case of this girl I "first" asked her a question why she is pharmacist if she is Adventist, "then" she got offended (I asked it way too soon, in my very first message), and "then" I told her about my Asperger to get her to give me a chance, and "that" lead her to ask me those questions. So, perhaps, if I were to lead conversation normally without those faux passes, and simply mention my Asperger just because, perhaps then she would have reacted differently, who knows.

But still, the point is that its all the theory I came up with in my head, I don't actually know if that was in fact the case as opposed to her judging me by my label. So, if it was her judging me by my label, what am I supposed to do? Apologize on behalf of other people with Asperger for acting like stones that created this type of stereotype? I mean, sure, some other people with Asperger are like that: I read on AS partners delphi forums about women being frustrated with their husbands being super cold. But once again, I am not them, so why am I supposed to apologize for what they do, even if I happen to have their diagnosis?

Or are you saying I should have asked her "do you judge me by the label, or did my behavior contribute to it" -- and then either argue, or not, depending on her answer?



Notice how you said I should ask "how to imporove" as opposed to just asking "what I did wrong". Those two questions seem very different from each other, due to the fact that people aren't giving second chances. I been asking people at the Graduate Christian Fellowship how I come across off, and the answers I tend to get was that I ask "direct questions" and I derail Bible study to some tangents (where I see a connection and they don't) plus my voice is too loud. But then I asked a different question "okay, what if I stop doing those things, how long will it get me to improve my reputation". They couldn't really give me a definite answer. So thats the most frustrating part: when I don't know what to do to actually improve.



As far as the professor who didn't give me a project because presumably I wasn't interested in it, that was 10 years ago when I did my first Ph.D. Here is what happened. I didn't realize that in graduate school its not classes that are important but rather research. One thing that mislead me is that for classes you get grades, for research you don't. So if I get good grades in all my classes, why would all of a sudden they want to expell me for my research, which I am not even being graded for anyway? But thats precisely what happened: I decided to do a research on String Theory and I was stuck on some key aspects of String THeory I simply couldn't accept, and so I made no progress. But I was a good student -- as evident by how well I did on all my classes -- yet they decided to get me into trouble anyway. So what happened was that my advisor refused to work with me, and then they asked me to find another advisor within 6 month or get expelled if I won't find him. But my bad reputation made it difficult to get people to agree to work with me (eventually the retired professor agreed to take me on so I weren't expelled but, other than him, everyone refused). In some cases, however, they didn't hear of my reputation at the time I talked to them. But then other faux passes came along, such as my sounding "not interested" and then I was like "if you care about me so much that you are concerened about my not being interested, why aren't you caring that I would be expelled" So yeah, to answer your question, the professor in question didn't know me that well for that long. The professor that did (the one who refused to work with me on the first place) gave me plenty of chances for almost a year. But then, once that didn't work, others were brushing me off after a single conversation.

As far as girls go, those are the girls I met on a dating site. So I guess I don't know them that well, but I do have an "intention" for a long term relationship, at which point I "would" know them well.

Perhaps the common feature of both the girls on a dating site and the professors is that, in both cases, I don't know those individuals well. Since things weren't working out with the professors I "did" work with, I had to look for random professors with whom I didn't. And since I can't get a girlfriend on my departemnt, I have to go to a dating site to look for one. So are you suggesting I should tone down on dating sites and focus more on my own department? That might actually be a good idea, because I think I spent on dating sites way too much time and, on a hindsight, I remember some instances several years ago when girls did try to talk to me in the "real world" but I ignored them because I was too focused on dating sites. But, unfortunately, that was too long ago, and I don't see any girls talking to me now, probably the fact that I am 38 doesn't help. So yeah I am not sure what to do.

On a good note, at least the professors aren't refusing to work with me now that I am in a different university doing my second ph.d. Not yet anyway.

It sounds to me like you compartmentalize and hyper analyze every aspect of your life.

When you mentioned should you date someone in your department or should you date someone online - you can do both. There is almost nothing in life that has to be ONLY one or the other. This is one of them.

As far as mentioning that you're Aspie to anyone after you'd made some social error - that can sound a lot to someone like you're making an excuse. (Even though it IS the reason for your behavior at times, other people are not going to know that, or are they likely to care, really.) All they know is that you were rude to them (or whatever may have happened) and they have made that split second decision that you're not someone they want to know or be bothered with anymore.

So to go along with stop blaming other people, I would say to make every effort to not make those social errors in the first place, and then you don't have to back track and do damage control.

And finally I would say to let those things in the past go. These things were years ago. Focus on improving things now going forward and stop ruminating on things of the past.

I weren't compartmentalizing it in terms of my future plans, I was only noticing the fact that the compartmentalization happened in the past. I remember three different girls, back in my 20-s, who tried to talk to me and whom I ignored; yet, at that very time, I was spending hours on dating sites. So I am wondering what would have happened if I didn't know the dating sites exist, would i have taken advantage of that opportunity?

The other reason why I mentioned this is that you said in your previous reply that the reason people don't give me second chances is that I don't spend that much time with them. And then the logical next thought was: perhaps it would be different if it were girls in my department, rather than dating site.

That wouldn't mean that I would actually stop using dating sites altogether. As a matter of fact, since I am in math department, there aren't that many women around, and the women I am thinking of are all taken. There are few other women in the department whom I haven't crossed paths with, so perhaps some of them are single, but I have no idea. I do know that one of the "taken" women joined a department at the same time I did and she was single back then, and I remember that one time when she was showing me a mailboxes and tried to deliberately prolong the time of conversation by going around the floor several times before "finding" them. So I feel bad I haven't taken advantage of that time. But she is long taken.



But thats not what transpired with this particular girl. When I told her I am an aspie, her first reaction was to forgive me and, in fact, giving me her facebook so we can chat and, shortly thereafter, a phone number. But then, as we kept talking, she kept asking me those questions about whether due to my Asperger I am capable to fall in love. So, in terms of the one parameter of either taking Asperger seriously or not, it seems the opposite to what you described: instead of "totally ignoring Asperger" she "took it too seriously". But she did so in the way I "don't" like: what I wanted her to do was to take Asperger seriously when it comes to forgiving me for my faux pas, and then "not" taking it seriously when it comes to assumptions that she was making (that aspies can't fall in love, etc). But she took it seriously both in the former case (she continued talking to me) AND in the latter case (she was making those assumptions about me) and the latter ultimately caused me to act out at the end which made her stop talking to me.

Its also true, however, that the time when she brought my Asperger, she wasn't bringing up Asperger out of the blue but shortly after I was making new trespasses. Basically the times I am thinking of are these:

a) The first time she asked me whether people with Asperger can fall in love was after I explained to her that my question about her being Adventist and pharmacist had to do with Asperger.

b) The second time she brought it up was when we were texting each other and then I stopped replying and, after that, told her that I couldn't figure out how the maps on the phone work and she said "I thought Sheldon is good at numbers"(we were talking about my moving to a new town and she wanted me to find some mountain view that would be fun to go to; my faux pas might have been that I didn't tell her right away I have hard time reading map, I only came back to tell her that half an hour later, because I happened to have been in Kroger those half an hour, which I didn't tell her about either, and I didn't excuse myself from conversation just let her wait for half an hour for my reply; so her Sheldon comment was after that half an hour of silence)

c) The third time she brought it up was when I was talking about my ex-s too much and she said "how do you know you are over them" and I said "I know I am over them, I was only obsessing about the fact that one of them was famous" and then she was like "maybe due to your Asperger you have no concept of love and thats why you make loundary lists"

Notice that the only time I brought up Asperger on my own was after Adventist/Pharmacy thing, the other times she brought up Asperger herself (that includes "a" as well, since part "a" happened next morning after that faux pas in the evening). Although, of course, I was the first time to bring up Asperger, she did so next day after I did. But, since you brought up the cases when people don't take Asperger seriously and just hold me accountable for my initial action, was it that

1. I didn't explain clearly enough that the scenario that happened with the girl was the above, but now that I explained it in more detail you agree its her stereotyping me "as opposed to" her disliking my using it as an excuse

or

2. You thought the girl "actually" got mad for the fact that I was using Asperger as an excuse, but she decided to act on her anger in passive-aggressive way by playing a psychological game on me so she was like "you want to take Asperger seriously? Fine, let me do so in the way you don't like"

What are your thoughts on the way she was acting?



The hard part is to find opportunities in the here and now, then it would make it easier to let the past go. But when everyone seem to ignore me, I am left with agonizing about past opportunities that I missed. Plus, the fact that people in the here and now probably ignore me for the same reason as people in the past who didn't like me, kinda reinforces it.

Last edited by MalchikBrodyaga on 29 Jun 2018, 2:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.