Anyone disappointed with how things are in their life?

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The only real disappointment with the way my life has turned out is that I never realized my dream of becoming an astronaut.

Stupid heart murmur...

I am disappointed in how my life has turned out. My autism making it so I can't hold any jobs, make friends and most importantly, find love.

I used to blame myself because of the crap that people told me, that I wasn't acting correctly on purpose and that I was selfish. I didn't believe them at first but you can imagine that being told this over and over again by everyone in their life would convince someone they are.

When I read about autism I finally found out that it wasn't my fault. That I couldn't piece together information on how to act correctly though I tried. Heck, I even found out that other people's subconscious brains do this for them so they don't even have to try. I gave myself severe depression and anxiety because I couldn't be who everyone wanted me to be.

Now I just say if they don't like me I couldn't care less. I tried my best and wasn't good enough. I truly deeply care about people but if they can't understand me and do the same for me then that's that, and I don't blame them. Why bother with a creepy guy when you could just pick someone normal? There's no more to be done. So I will be myself and be hated by everyone because worrying and trying so hard to fit in while getting no results made me mentally ill. As much as I would like to still keep trying to so that my parents are happy, I can't continue like this anymore. I will never be able to get a job or a girlfriend or my own place, but at least I have my dogs that love me and my interests to pursue.

I went to college and thus I have debt....its unfair I had no idea what I was signing onto, I just got pushed by my parents and school to go to college. I graduated normally you see, my sister graduated early and my brother never even got his GED and yet he's gotten better job prospects than me.

I just don't understand how I suck so much compared to my younger brother and my sister. I mean I have a boyfriend at least so we can pool our money to get by but yeah I was the oldest sibling. So I feel kind of stupid that my younger brother and sister are doing a little better than me.... My brother does stripping dancing so I mean even if he loses all his other employment...he's still sexy enough to get gigs for male stripping, and he seems to like doing it so I mean if everything else falls through at least he ha that. I just can never picture me as trying to be some sexy dancer, but I can totally see my brother doing it. I mean that's his thing he can turn gay dudes on, he's not a gay male, but he can put on a show that gay people would certainly appreciate. So yeah he can certainly get money that way, and he likes to put on a show so I say good for him.

Oh yes, I am disappointed with my life as it is today.

Everyone thought I should be a tremendous success... so intelligent, such good grades, so much talent and potential.

Well, none of that helps you if you don't have the necessary social skills to go along with it. None of it matters if your parents decide not to tell you that you have autism / Asperger's syndrome and you don't get the help and resources you need to compensate for it and learn to adapt. It's useless if you literally drive yourself crazy trying to fit into a world that was not made for you.

So I grew up being ruthlessly, relentlessly bullied at school. I came home and it was no better on account of my sister being one of the lead bullies and my parents having a uniquely sadistic penchant for emotional abuse. The physical stuff stopped when I reached a certain size because I started fighting back tooth and claw, but the psychological manipulation and gaslighting were far more damaging. For instance, they learned that they could hurt me or coerce desired behaviors by destroying things I loved, threatening to take pets away or threatening to institutionalize me. I have struggled with severe anxiety, major depressive disorder, ADHD inattentive type, OCD, PTSD, narcolepsy and a partridge in a pear tree.

I hated myself. I hated that I failed at everything I tried to do. I thought I was an antisocial, selfish, uncaring, lazy, immature weirdo. Not only did I have trouble holding a job, I had trouble making friends and even doing basic adult stuff like housework.

I hated myself for being a "bad" wife. I was lucky to find a guy who was nice enough to marry me, though granted I was much higher functioning back then and I've seriously slid downhill after decades of trying to be "normal." I think I have worn out my welcome and he's getting tired of dealing with my mental illnesses. I try my hardest to be affectionate and cuddly like he wants, but it's so terribly difficult when I can't make eye contact and flip out when hugged because it feels like being caught in a trap (though I have learned to pretend to like holding hands because he likes that and I can grit my teeth and bear it). I can go days without eating if he's on a business trip and not there to enforce the You Must Eat At Least Once A Day, Here Now Put This In Your Face rule. He wants more, but I can only be what I am. So I expect to eventually end up on the trash heap.

And yet... yet... I am trying to be gentler with myself these days. At age 41 I found out by accident when my parents let it slip in conversation that I had Asperger's / ASD. I finally realized the cause of all of those difficulties and that IT ISN'T MY FAULT. The self-hatred melted away and the constant nasty, critical little voice in my head finally shut up. Hating yourself for a neurological disorder such as ASD is like hating yourself for having cancer. It's pointless. It's beyond your control. All you can do is decide how you are going to deal with it.

The point of all that jibber jabber is that I am not socially, professionally or financially where I would like or have expected myself to be. And yet I feel healthier than I have in years. My biggest regret is that I wasn't told decades sooner. If I had known I was autistic I could have gotten the help I needed to succeed. But woulda coulda shoulda. That wasn't my fault either. Now it's time to be kind to myself, take it one day at a time and celebrate the small victories, however insignificant (yay, I remembered to do laundry!) or significant (yay, my first clutch of baby snakes was born! I created life, y'all)!

"Be yourself. Everyone else is taken." - Gilbert Perreira

I learned to find "living in Holland" [metaphor] to be acceptable.

I was in my 20s and even into my early 30s. I didn't understand why I couldn't read social cues, had trouble dating, etc. A few nightmare relationships and I don't care. I've learned to define more and more things in life for myself. I don't make a lot of money, but I can support myself and live alone.

Yes... For me everything has been so upside down this year. I got my diagnose, i've been struggling to find a job, I lost my best friend and i've been struggling with my self-image.

I also know this is only temporary though, you're in charge of your own happiness but sometimes life knocks you down... That's how we get up stronger than before. Personally i'm making an effort to make new friends right now and trying my hardest to improve my self-image. It's going very slowly forward but it's not standing still. Broke down crying a couple of days ago though and woke up feeling like s**t. Sometimes it's just too much, it's not the first time that's happened.
But i'm glad I have a supportive family that always pushes me to keep trying, that's important. And you can always find good people to talk to even if it's "only" online. I've even ended up eventually meeting with online friends in real life even when it's seemed that won't ever happen. Life has it's ways so I believe things can always get better.