How can I help my friend who's abused?

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Why doesn't he take a bus and stay at the nearest shelter? But by the things he's been telling you, he doesn't seem like he values your help much...

MagicMeerkat, you are already doing the right thing by making yourself available, listening to your friend, and offering suggestions and support. That is where you have to start whenever you are trying to help an adult friend who is being abused.

Upfront, let me say that I don’t agree with the responses that have debated when and how to record the parents in the act of abusing. Producing an expose tape that brings a dramatic end to an awful situation is the sort of thing that makes for a reasonably compelling plot line in a mediocre TV crime drama. And occasionally, it actually does lead to a good outcome in real life. But I suspect more often than not, these sorts of things leave the person who is being abused in a worse position than where they started. Among the potential pitfalls: (1) the abused person gets caught in the act of recording, (2) the person isn’t able to broadcast the tape to a large enough audience to have an effect, or (3) people see or hear the tape but it doesn’t produce the dramatic response the abused person was hoping for. In any of these situations, the abused person would get no help and the abuser would be even more angry than before. In your friend’s particular case, there are also several factors that would be working against him and make it even less likely a tape would produce a dramatic rescue. First, your friend’s father holds what I would assume is an esteemed position within the town (pastor), which is going to make people particularly disinclined to believe an awful accusation about him. Second, it sounds like your friend’s parents may be capitalizing on stereotypes about ASD. Some of those stereotypes could (unfairly) be used as a defense or excuse for emotionally abusive language that the average person unfamiliar with ASD would find believable.

There is no question that getting your friend to something like a shelter would be most ideal in that it would get him away from the source of the abuse. However, it may not be possible to achieve that most ideal outcome at this time in the current situation. If so, the best approach would be to break down the problem and the solutions into smaller units, until you identify a piece of the problem and/or a less drastic solution that your friend feels like he wants and is able to do. From your description, it sounds like your friend is threatening suicide because he doesn’t see a feasible alternative for getting out of the situation. So, the key first step here is to find something—really anything other than suicide—that your friend thinks he would be willing to do to address the problem. That first step may be something incredibly small and very far removed from the ideal solution you would prefer. But as long as it feels like the step is taking your friend toward a solution, it will reduce the feelings of hopelessness that are motivating the suicidal thoughts.

In the absence of knowing all of the details of the situation, it is difficult to offer precise advice on what a suitable first step might be. But given what you have written, my sense is that the most logical first step would be to help your friend think through who might be an ally in the town. There is no question this will be challenging given the father’s position. But even in a small town, there will be people who think a bit differently from others. For example, are there any other families with a member who has ASD? Are there any families that have been raising or have raised a kid who has some other condition that requires a lot of support? If so, do any of these families have a more supportive philosophy on how a person with ASD or similar kind of condition should be treated? Alternately, are there any people in the town who are not so enamored with your friend’s parents? Is there anyone not under the influence of the father? What about the police officers that you said your friend thought were friendly? Does he think he can trust any of them? The key is to think creatively and strategically. Ultimately, if your friend wants to get out of his parents’ house, he is going to need people who can help him. But he isn’t going to get that help if his first interaction with a person is to request they drive him to a far-off shelter and then face the wrath of the parents back home. Your friend needs to begin by identifying someone locally he can trust and then sharing his struggles in confidence with that person. It that kind of dialog that builds the local support structure your friend is going to need to get out of the abusive situation.

Without getting in to too much detail one of my parents is abusive, my mother, but (luckily?) mostly towards our dad. People that dont have abusive family wont really understand what you're saying so ill spell out whats typical

- yelling at the top of their lungs
- getting mad over nothing over spilled milk so you have to walk on eggshells
- physical intimidation.. Walking towards you as if they are going to strike you etc
- hitting but only in the context of what they think they can get away with.. Theyre not trying to go to jail for being an a hole
- telling you you're worthless a million differently worded ways

I categorically refuse to put up with or be a witness to this crap. My mother is severely mentally ill (schizo). What i did was i put up with it as long as i could. It became apparent there was a decent chance she was going to kill or seriously injure my dad. At this point i stood up to her and i became like her for lack of a better explanation. I have been lifting weights since i was 17. I almost never lose my temper but when i do its game over. I am a very fear inspiring person in those moments.

Your friend i assume has autism. If it keeps him from working he has a hard road ahead. At first as an NT i read your post and thought just do the powerpoints. If your friend is not in school and doesnt have a job he needs to find some productive outlets anyway. But you're strongly implying the textbook abuse events are taking place. This is wrong.

Normally to deal with this your options are
- leave / avoidance
- take a stand
- some people would argue reasoning with them. My mother stopped partly because i let her know we were all going to make sure she spent the last years of her life in a mental institution away from us if the behavior continued. I dont know if i would call that "reasoning".

As an NT i will say this. NTs dont understand why some people with autism do nothing traditionally productive all day every day. Its further complicated by people on the spectrum having communication issues with NTs. For example i was friends with a man with Aspergers for 15 years. I would ask him to go to the beach with our friends. He would not go and if he did it had to be at a parking lot he had been to hundreds of times and only a couple of hours. He was never willing (or able?) to explain why so ill explain it. He didnt want to break his routine or engage in an unfamiliar chain of action because it would trigger the negative side of having aspergers which for lack of a better explanation is a massive anxiety attack and feeling that "something is wrong". Your friend likely cant articulate concepts like this to his NT family so to them they just see a lazy person that does nothing all day and gives them crap when they ask him to do a simple little thing. Is it embarassment that keeps someone on the spectrum from explaining whats going on? Is it that its difficult to explain whats happening? Is it because its like breathing and just part of who they are? All of the above? I dont know. But if he wants his family to stop being aholes someone maybe not him is going to have to sit them down and say look this is whats going on with your son. Because they dont sound like the brightest light bulbs and theyre not going to figure out that hes not just lazy.