Why does autism make it impossible to say "I love you"

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Maybe there is no problem in saying these words, but in expressing emotions. For me is hard say "I love you" too. My parents did not say it too and I believe they love me. I don't need hear it, I need know it from their behavior.

Someone can say it and it may not be true.
Some people say it often, it's strange to me. Almost as if it were the duty to say.
Or why someone need hear it. When he/she asks, the other can answer only to have peace. How can he/she then believe such answers?

I find I can say it to romantic partners, probably too much - but I find it is very hard for me to say it to my parents, siblings, family members. I figured this was due to trauma and somewhat abusive upbringing, which I feel partly responsible for because they thought I was being a "problem child", but I had autism and we did not know.

I find this topic particularly interesting as I am in love with an Aspie man (I realised still after three years, even now that I'm in another relationship) and I didn't understand quite what autism was when we were dating, and I didn't know I was - I wonder if he did sense it in me. I was very taken by him and fell very quickly for him and looking back, I didn't need him to tell me he liked me or loved me, but I was feeling insecure. I think he did. He still has feelings for me. He never said he loves me, but when I revealed that I loved him, he did not take it badly or ignore it. I didn't want to make him feel pressured, but I think I did make him feel that way without meaning to. It probably didn't help that he may of been skeptical that he was a "rebound" when he definitely was not.

I understand it is a big, scary thing to tell someone you love them. It has been for me in some cases. But when I have very intense feelings for someone, I cannot help but release it. Intense feelings of love is both wonderful and scary at the same time. Feel so vulnerable.

I have known a few NT's who were incapable of saying "I love you." I don't find it hard to say at all. Romantically saying it, as a demisexual, that is a different story though. That takes time, and you will know when I tell you because it comes from the bottom of my heart, and I will look at you with eyes of pure loyalty, passion and commitment. That love is different.

I get to say it every day, looking into the eyes of my beloved cats. Who look back at me, and hold my gaze, and love me too.

When I was younger and friskier, I got to say it to two different gentlemen, at two different times. Wasn't difficult then at all...

As Lone says, I've known neurotypicals who can't say it; the ones I knew well enough to surmise the cause seemed to regard it as a confession of weakness (they also could never admit being mistaken, or causing anyone pain). So perhaps they weren't totally NT; those are marks of narcissism.

Yes, I believe it's largely about saying it to parents. I don't know if I ever have, or I've said it in a muffled way to the point where I feel I don't want them to hear. Why, I don't really know.

I also think, as I've said in my other post, saying these kinds of things is a big commitment. The problem with the thread is that saying this should be difficult, assuming we know what it actually means to some people. Throwing it around like it means little is careless. To say it without truly understanding it is harmful.

The point is that you want to be honestly at it. True love bases on the empathical amplification of positive emotions. You 'll have no problems to say it if someone always causes you only strong positive emotions.

He didn't say "why does everyone with autism find it impossible to say "I love you"". His autism clearly makes it impossible for him to say it, as it does for me also.

Absolute agreement with all you have said here. It is a huge thing to say, when one means what one says - which is something hard-wired into most of we autistic folks. And can't be taken lightly.

Re animals and love: I've remembered all my life the line from <<Le Petit Prince>> - high school French class:

"Nous sommes réponsables pour ceux que nous avons apprivoisé"



We are responsible for what we have tamed.

Funny thing about parents... because they "make" us, it seems they're often unable to actually "see" us. We're already pre-loaded with a full set of expectations before we're even born. This is logical on one level - of course they're going to think about what their child might be and become - on another level it is mind boggling.

In my case, 1) we were not a very expressive family. I can’t even begin to tell you how I had to sublimate my feelings, especially feelings of love os a girl, for fear of having my fat ass kicked by my parents for doing so. Both parents actively discouraged any girl to come near me. If I even tried to broach the subject, I was called queer, and the girl would be called worse, with the girl in their presence. 2) I was physically, mentally, emotionally, and sexually abused by 3 different gangs of sisters when I was in high school. I had the “aspie stare”, even then, which everyone misinterpreted. I still have the sexual nightmares (PTSD), to this day,almost 45 years later.

Any wonder I have issues with saying I Love You? Just as the song says, what’s love but a second hand emotion?

It's not that I can't say I love you rather in a verbal sense, but from an emotional one, well that tends to be more difficult as, I don't come across as having a great deal of emotional content by others overall.This is due to misconceptions and so forth. As well, I do show my emotions its just not always on the same level of an NT person when it comes to this issue.

Ah, I'm exactly the same.

Because certain people insisted upon hearing me say it and it wasnt sure if truely loved them or not. I come from a family where love is conditional.

I'm so glad I'm not alone in this!

I can't say it to my parents , even when they say it I just CAN'T say "love you too".
It upsets my mum, so does my inability to hug.

I can say it to my dog and my boyfriend.

I think it about a very close friend and have blurted it out once, texted it a few times. But I just really struggle to force my face to say it.

Sometimes I just feel like a passenger in this body, it has a mind of its own.

I NEVER had a close realtionship with my parents or any of my other relatives. They didn't really understand my various issues, quirks, disabilities ect. I'm kind of anti-affection with everyone except I LOVE being affectionate with my girlfriend & both my exes. They were the only people I really felt close to & connected with. I told all 3 of them "I Love You" millions of times but I almost never tell my mom that even thou she sometimes says that when we're ready to end our phone call.

Revisiting this topic after posting on the first page, I'll add that as a kid, I didn't understand the concept of love. It was confusing to me that there were different kinds of love. I saw my parents who were married saying they loved each other, kissing, hugging (although not all that often). I was not married to my parents, nor did we kiss each other and I didn't like hugging. I had enough to deal with trying to navigate and get through childhood. The idea of trying to figure out what "love" was and then being 100% sure I "loved" my parents to tell them that was too confusing.

I must have been a very self centered kid. I say this because when the first Star Wars movie came out and I saw it when I was in grade school, I was enthralled with the film beyond words. So much so, that I spent time thinking that if a light saber was actually real and I was offered one in place of both of my parents.....without hesitation, I decided I would take the light saber (Sorry, M & D!).

Yes, I experienced a lot of the same confusion; I still do to a certain extent, though far less than when I was a child. I'm quite severely alexithymic generally, so I guess this may have played a large part in it.

I think it also explains a lot of the trouble that I still have with saying those words. However sincere the feeling may be, I have a huge, nagging doubt about my ability to speak them so that they are perceived as sincere by the other person; something always manages to convince me that it will just be taken as a cheap platitude. Whether my poor prosody, eye-contact, etc. really do have that effect, I've never quite been able to work out; there are certainly plenty of candidates for situations where I strongly suspect that they have.