I don't understand how aspies/autistics have relationships?

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Communication and understanding of the "other".

I know that my wife needs to socialize and have a lot of friends. She knows that I cant handle it. She goes out with her friends, and I stay home and everybody is happy.

When we have people over at our house, she understand that I have to "disappear" after a while, and I have no obligations to return. That way, she can entertain as she pleases, and I have absolutely no stress related to this.

I also have what I call my "lab"... computers, electronic tinkering, 3d printer, books, tv, gaming console, and nice comfy sofa, that is quite isolated from the rest of the house. This is where I retreat, and the household respects this. I tolerate social situations and sensory disruptions outside this room, but everyone respects that my lab, is MY island, and that when I'm in there, it's because I need it

Ground rules and respect is the key to an harmonious relationship

I think the turning point for me was acceptance of my condition. I had been in an alarmingly high number of short relationships because I would try to pretend I was just as normal as everyone else and I could participate in a normal relationship, just like everyone else could.
It didn't take very long for my partner to get mad at me for not hugging her enough and question me when I would disappear periodically in large groups of people. I also got into arguments with her about how she couldn't comprehend simple logic of things.

Once I accepted my condition myself, and learned how to live with it, I was able to be more open to my partner that I was atypical and sometimes I needed space, sometimes I didn't want to be touched. My next relationship was with a doctor that understood these things very well and worked with me to help us both cope with it. At first I would get home from work and she would meet me at the door for a hug and then tell me all about her day and ask me a whole bunch of questions before I even got my shoes off. I had to explain to her that I just endured a 35 minute car ride through rush hour traffic and I'm incredibly overloaded, I need about 10 minutes of quiet time to calm down first. After that it got way better, she was happy to give me my space and then ease into the questions after 10 minutes or so. We've been together for 7 years now and I couldn't have done it without being completely open.

So my advice is to hold nothing back, tell your partner what you can't handle and accept the fact that you may need to create a quiet space somewhere in your home where you can go and put on some headphones for an hour a night. It seems weird as hell for a neurotypical but if this is what you need to maintain a healthy lifestyle, then you should do it. The right partner will work with you.

I always wanted a relationship, when I was a girl, I thought girls grow up, go to college, find a man, fall in love, get married, have kids. I REALLY CANNOT HANDLE a relationship, I tried a relationship, when I was working at a disabled workshop in the early 90s, I was almost 21, he was 19, we did not communicate good enough to last, he moved on one second after we broke up, it was a mutuel break up, we had a big public fight, he was cheating on me, I didn’t know about it until after we broke up. Over the years, I tried dating apps. When I was around 42, I decided a relationship wasn’t for me, I wish I could handle a relationship, my mom knew before I knew that I could not handle children, she was right, she was right about college, she was right about driving too, I babysat my cousin, she was 12, she was crying for her mother & I freaked out.

I'm in a relationship and I still don't know how relationships work.

I see these higher-functioning aspies seemingly effortlessly relating to others, fluently attracting mates, routinely finding plum jobs and living middle-class lifestyles as a matter of course, and I wonder - just how low-functioning an outsider am I to be so not a part of this elect group?

Well, my experience is that an undiagnosed aspie female with decent compensatory skills and very limited self-awareness is quite capable of deluding herself that if she keeps working at it she will one day make this whole relationship thing work.

I stuck it out for 25 years, two kids, and one major burn-out before I finally realised that nope, I really, truly cannot do this.

My guess is that it's not effortless at all.

I am an Aspie married to a very outgoing, extroverted NT.

When I met him I functioned much better than I do now and was able to work. I could even--with sufficient prodding--go to parties and pretend to enjoy them. I didn't know I was autistic and over the years trying to cope and be "normal" has taken a tremendous toll. I am now disabled and unable to work. My symptoms are much more profound and I am on a ton of meds.

At first all was good. I was quirky but he found it charming. Now that I don't eat unless pretty much forced to and often lack the energy to even get out of bed it's not so charming. Aside from the natural clumsiness, the meds make me woozy, forgetful and dizzy. I have so many bruises from falling down and knocking into things that it looks like I've been beaten (not so; he's never intentionally hurt me). I have frequent panic attacks and have to go hide under a blanket until they pass, which can be anywhere from minutes to hours. I never liked being hugged or making eye contact, which always bothered him but he dealt with it.

He's been incredibly patient with me up to this point, thinking that whatever is wrong with me would be fixed with the right combination of drugs and therapy. Then he could have the more outgoing, happier person that he wished I was.

Then we found out that I had Asperger's syndrome, which is something he understands is permanent. There will be no getting over it. I could have told him that major depressive disorder, ADHD inattentive type, generalized anxiety disorder, OCD and PTSD are also conditions that one doesn't simply "get over" but it's autism that registers with him as irreversible.

As much of a shock as it was for me to find out, it was a huge disappointment for him. I can never be what he wants me to be. "I thought I could fix you," he said. I told him that if our entire relationship was predicated on him being able to transform me into someone else that he was doing both of us a grave disservice. You either love and accept someone exactly as they are--as I have him--or not at all. Love isn't conditional.

Having said that, I know it's hard for him. He didn't sign up for this. But neither did I. That's where the "in sickness and in health" part of the marriage vow comes in.

Eventually I expect that I will end up on the scrap heap with other mentally ill / ASD people whose partners decided they were too much effort and cast them aside. It happens a lot. Being financially dependent on him, I may end up homeless too.

I hope not. We still love each other, or at least I love him. We have a lot of common interests (though some of my special interests drive him bananas). We almost never fight. We respect each other. We have great conversations. But I am not cuddly nor outwardly affectionate. I do not want to go to crowded places with him. My world has gotten progressively smaller. I encourage him to go out with friends and to movies. He needs a social life of his own and I need alone time. But he doesn't heed that advice and then he complains to me that he's unhappy and "needs more." If he won't have a social life outside the home and I can't give him what he wants... then I don't know what to tell him. That sets both of us up for misery.

So I'm not ready to give up, but am not sure that the same can be said of him.

What is to not understand? I don't understand anyone not understanding.
Do you hate and not want to EVER be around another human? Because I know I do {ADHD) and my husband does (ASPIE).
OK , gauranteed he is going to think of himself first in anyway. For example two pieces of cake ...if he gets to them first he IS GOING TO GET THE BIGGEST PIECE.
I believe that is one of the reasons when they do have a relationhip it is almost always with someone who is super caring , loving and will happily put them first , however the aspie will not do the same so it gets old. It is no fun to always be the giver and all relationships are pretty much a illusion . We love not so much the person but what we wish thdy were. And the Aspie loves not so much the person but what that person can do for them.....help them get along in life? Like , they can afford to support them both? Buy them nice things? Aspies have fabulous minds (most) and they know how to act ....the ones that get so weary are the extra aspies ..lol..because that "mask" is so far who they really are. The thing is why bother with the mask? OK ...allow me to get back to the question now that you have some idea of what the Aspie wants from a relationship.
What please tell md is so dif from what any NT wants? WE ARE ALL basicaly selfish we want for a mate to give us what we cannot or think we cannot give to ourselves...and that is everyone.....the bummer comes when it is time to reward each other for providing . The non aspie if in love cannot wait to show what they have and to let the aspie know how much they are loved. But not only does the aspie not care ......they don't care that they don't care ..(this is in marrige that i speak of) and that is heartbreaking for the non aspie
But bottom line we all become used to having someone around if we can stand them long enough to get used to them. and every person alive has something to offer and if you cannot see that ....that is a sad way to be . because we all have things that are valuable .If you think i am wrong you need to do a little introspection...if you find out you don't ...look harder or ask someone you respect!!

all their parents got in a relationship,
that's the mold you follow more or less naturally

attraction of opposits counts too;
an introverted person could like a more socialising-able person,
an agitated person might be drawn to someone calmer

and another long term meddling of propaganda, that 'perfect' love and live,
just to sell faking it, showing off a masquerade,
perfect doesn't exist,
but it's expected anyway
and let the big lie perpetuate

Kraftiekortie,

I think you're right. I do have friends and they think I am a good person. My frustration right now comes from not having made any more progress in achieving adult milestones. I wonder if I will ever catch up enough to make my dreams come true. I have dreams that are beyond my present level of functioning to achieve.

You know what? I haven't reached many "milestones" myself. I probably will never have a child. My mother told me recently that had I had a child, it would have been a "disaster."

I have learned, for the most part, to accept that I will never be a "normal" person. I will always remain a "weirdo" to at least some. Too bad on them!

My task, for the last 30-40 years of my life, is to attempt to enjoy myself as much as possible, without stepping on others' toes.

It think the order in which I did things made it easier.

I started off by getting STEM degree. Then I found a decent paying job and learned to maintain a household. Saved enough money for a down payment. Then I got into a relationship. Sure, it took longer to do it that way, but it worked for me. As a bonus I'm pretty much set for my retirement savings.

It is a lot easier to get into a relationship as a guy if you have some wealth and have moved past the lower rungs of working for a company. But, it is different for women, as guys will pick you just based on youth and beauty.

if I had the intellectual genes allowing for attainment of a STEM [or any other kinda] degree, I would have done so. maths/logic defeats me.

If someone who's on the spectrum wants something bad enough, they're willing to do anything it takes to obtain it because their object of want becomes their passion.

through the grace of providence, I was able somehow to wander into the avocation of digital audio restoration. digital video restoration would be interesting also but somewhat too rich for my blood at present.

I have a very good relationship with my husband. He doesn't exhaust me, as most people IRL do; instead, he excites and delights me.

Most of my social interaction deficits center around cognitive empathy, reading cues, and initiating conversations with strangers. In my case, my spouse is able to help explain things to me when my cognitive empathy fails, he provides the cues I need to understand our social interactions, and we've known each other for a number of years now, so he's certainly not a stranger to me.

That being said, I really don't have any close relationships except for the aforementioned spouse in marriage, and also supportive close family that's still alive (which includes my father and my two half-siblings from my late mother's first marriage, one of whom is likely on the spectrum himself -- we've thought so for years). I have no friends I spend time with, in particular. Women especially are usually harder for me to read because their social cues can be a lot more complex, rapid, and emotional than men's. I'm able to attend church functions on occasion, though -- last one was a Lutheran meet-up on Wednesday evening for a dinner, and it actually went surprisingly well because the women actually discussed systematic things (we talked about DNA, genetics, and our German heritages).

As far as children, the husband and I don't have any yet. We plan on having one, maybe two at the max. I have a little apprehension because of my condition, but I think it would be worth it. I do well tutoring children one-on-one, so I could probably handle it.