Auties who Succeeded in Society

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I really do not know if I have succeeded or not in life. Sure, I do have a job that pays my bills (non-tenure track university professor), but I am not successful like many of my peers when it comes to certain things. I do not have a significant other nor the social graces to be able to date. I have a hard time relating to many people out there when I am outside of my field of science. They seem to value things much more differently, especially when it comes to earning a paycheck. To me, the pursuit (and attainment) of knowledge is worth more than getting paid a large amount of money. They totally disagree with my viewpoint and I have been made fun of because of this. I only have a few friends that I have been able to keep long term (greater than 5 years). Graduate school taught me that many people can act like friends when they want something from you. From that lesson, I have learned to become less reliant on others.

I have research goals that I want to finish before my lifetime is up. If I can obtain those, only then I would consider being called truly "successful".

As for why I suspected that I might be on the spectrum (I am self-identifying), I have always felt different from others. When I was young, I was always socially behind my peers by about two years, yet more advanced in other mental skills. The differences showed up most dramatically when I moved to a new school at age 11.

Hello, IstominFan,

Tell us more about your improvement. What sort of program is this? A social services program, or a regiment you've created for yourself? If it's self-created, how did you go about changing yourself? How do you know what to do to improve? Are others helping you?

This could help others, myself included.

I was diagnosed in March this year.

My career is developing well, though it seems like an uphill battle.

I'm married to a woman who's a bad fit - she might never understand or accommodate any of my differences.

Learning more about autism this year, I think more of the responsibility for that falls on her, I used to take it all on board. I would have left by now, as would she, but we have kids and we're thinking about their future.

Choosing to try and have it all, in my case seems to implicitly mean I've chosen to subject myself to huge amounts of effort and anguish, near or beyond the level I can sustain. Self-care of various sorts makes it all more feasible.

For me there were a lot of early indicators but I was always very good at school so I think they went largely unnoticed. I just internalised that ‘that’ was part of me and whilst I did feel different I just thought it was my own kind of different. Then the teenage years were very hard. I moved out at 15. Continued to do very well at school and got scholarships through to PhD level. If I would have realised I had autism along the way I think I could have achieved more as there was one point where ‘feeling different’ made me feel less able and limited and made me not go for things I probably would have gone for if I would have known why I was different and been a bit less hard on myself. So, I wouldn’t count myself as successful but I am married, with kids and have a job where I am valued. I still think there is time for me to become the person I want to become now that I feel I have better meta-cognition. If there is one thing I regret it is that I didn’t realise what being female and autistic was earlier. It would have made life easier for me and made success more attainable rather than less.

Oh.... and I am undiagnosed.

It's a personal growth plan based on making small steps every day to become independent. "Normal" is the wrong word, for that can never happen. I am getting a lot of help and inspiration from family and friends. I don't know if my goals can be achieved all the way, because I started so late. I won't give up, though.

I don't know if getting a formal diagnosis would help me at this point. I don't want to find out that I am perhaps less functional than I thought. I don't want to be told by one more person I can't do a certain thing and to give up my dreams.

I can't say i succeeded in society, but by my own terms I did o.k.
I knew I wasn't as good as other people so i just did the best I could without expecting too much.
I was a welfare mother living in poverty until i was almost 40.

After taking some computer classes at a community college I saw a job in the paper that i thought i had the skills to do, so I applied for it with recommendations from teachers, and was hired.
It was a solitary shift and it paid minimum wage.

I proved i could do the job, always got my work done on schedule, never asked for a raise or promotion but i got a raise whenever other people in the same department did.
the job lasted for more than 20 years and I only missed two days of work during the entire time and rarely saw any of the other employees.

It was the perfect job. And I thought I was so lucky and was living a charmed life.
I wasn't so lucky in my personal life. I always wanted to eventually be married and have a husband but that never happened and I'm over 70 now so I just expect to be alone and maybe that is best for me and i'm happy.

Last edited by Marybird on 09 Dec 2018, 8:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.

It sounds like me. I worked my way up the ranks to First-Line Supervisor and then Management. I have been married for around 45 years with children and grandchildren. I retired after working for almost 40 years. I have been retired for almost a decade. I didn't know I was an Aspie until quit recently. I knew I was different but what I did not know was that I wasn't the only one. That I actually have a tribe of Aspies out there. It gives me comfort to know I am not alone.

Anyways here is my self assessment. The Aspie Code So although your question is interesting, a better question is what did I do differently that allowed me to integrate into society.

I have succeeded on my own terms. I grew up before there were any such diagnoses, so I basically was confused and baffled by life as a child. I always did well in school, but struggled with friends and was always made fun of. I was frequently bored. I have always been fiercely independent. I left home at 15. I have a phd. I have son, but he does not speak to me. I have a solid wonderful marriage now but it took a bunch of toxic failures to get there. I had lots of different jobs, but none ever took, because I am opinionated and stubborn and didn't know and didn't want to play the social games and political games. For the last 18 years I have run my own business successfully in which I help others. t is rewarding and beneficial to society. I have family and former friends who think I have "failed" because I did not go up the academic success ladder, but I am far happier with the life I have ended up with.

I didn't a clue until my partner wanted to figure out why I was "different." Our relationship got much easier after I got diagnosed.

15 year relationship. Paid up house. Saved all I need for retirement. Three decades at the same company with my own office. Have had friends who will drive me to doctor's appointments.

Last edited by BTDT on 09 Dec 2018, 7:38 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I wasn't diagnosed until I was 39. I grew up just being incredibly smart and different. I got hefty scholarships to a private university and graduated with a major and one class short of a minor in exactly four years (how long the scholarships lasted). I have since taken supplementary courses in different things. While I haven't exactly "excelled" in my field of study (one of my passions/hyperfocuses) I have used my education to run my own business for years (selling arts and crafts and teaching art). It doesn't make much, but I'm also disabled, so it's something. I've never had a problem being gainfully employed when I needed to (before the disability issues). My autism actually makes me an incredibly good employee.

I have also had minimal trouble finding long term partner. I've been married for 18 years and had a boyfriend as well for almost 8 of those (poly, no deception on anyone's part). I have two boys, 11 and 14, who are both wonderful young men who I truly enjoy as humans. I homeschool them through a charter program as they both have special learning needs (grade skips, intense learners, hyperfocus and perfectionism issues, dysgraphia, etc...). I have friends and acquaintances that are good supportive people. I've managed to weed out most of the bad humans in my life at this point.

While I may not be "successful" per people who judge it by monetary income, I certainly consider myself successful at my life and feel lucky that things have come together they way they have.