Internalized meltdowns

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The link posted by SaveFerris earlier is a very good general description, IMO (LINK) - it covers the variety of different forms it can take really well, so is probably a bit more comprehensive than piecing it together from each of our personal anecdotes. Subjectively, for me, I can sometimes be aware that one is imminent, or that I'm partially shut down, because I find myself unable to perform tasks which are usually easy for me (e.g. putting my coat on), or cannot access information from memory which normally requires little effort (e.g. meanings of common, everyday words). Beyond that, the loss of awareness means that my internal perceptions are rather too vague to describe easily.


That sounds like it may be what psychologists call "derealisation", a form of dissociation. The uncanny feeling that the world around you is there, but not quite real, or that you're not really present in it - almost like real-life were a computer simulation or a movie that's going on around you. That can occur to me quite a lot, even when I'm not particularly overwhelmed, but it's certainly something that's a big component of shut-downs for me.

I want to ask a random question about this. I have severe meltdowns and a couple times I had shutdowns. Meltdowns can occur with other conditions besides autism (in children stuff like childhood mood disorders and ADHD can lead to meltdowns) but I only see shutdowns mentioned in relation to autism. I am someone diagnosed with a mood disorder too which could be the cause of my meltdowns if I turn out to not really be on the autism spectrum, but do shutdowns occur outside autism?

holy cow omg thank you wow.

I haven't had (or at least don't remember) shutdowns as severe as some of the ones this article describes, but the whole constellation of articles around it is dancing on a million unconnected experiences for me right now. Thanks so much for posting it!

Thank you Ferris. That was brilliant.

^ You are both welcome , I felt the same way when Knofskia posted the link for me

Now I am just confused at why I go quiet. I read the article and it doesnt quite seem like what is happening to me. I just go quiet and dont want to socialize. I don't think it is disassociation because I still know what is going on around and I remember things. The world still feels and looks the same. I can talk if I am prompted by someone. I will answer questions if people ask me something but I wont engage in conversation that takes longer than one reply. My face is not showing any emotion. Its worse in some situations and then fine in others. Like lately while in class I have been that way, and then when I get to work I seem fine. I paint for work and I love it!

A shut down is, for me at least, a shutting down of the senses that happens when I am overloaded. The first thing I tend to lose is my speech. I can hear and understand, but am unable to speak. I can usually still write. I can also lose my ability to understand speech (it will just blur with background and become noise). I've never gone blind, but I can experience "tunnel vision).

I also lose my sense of smell.

What is it when I go into frozen mode? When it happens I am literally just sitting there staring frozen. I can't talk, I can hear but not really comprehending the words, can move my hands sometimes. It takes someone snapping or waving in front of my face to get me to "wake up".

I also don't have physical meltdowns (I used to have them when I was younger, but they were rare). When I get overwhelmed, I do a thing where I retreat internally and can't speak. People trying to ask me questions makes it worse and I feel very embarrassed and sometimes feel like I'm making it up even though I am out of control. My roommates figured out that if they put a blanket over my head and ask me to name a type of dinosaur, they can coax me out of it eventually. This sort of thing tends to only happen (or I only notice it) when there are other people around...

I've only ever seen fight, flight, and freeze before. This makes a lot of sense, fawning sounds like what I do too much.

I've heard that Fight and Flight are the most common. Freezing and Fawning tend to show up mostly in people who were either abused as children or otherwise unable to fight or flee their situation.

Hence, I'm The Queen of Frozen Fawns.

Thanks. The fist time I read this I just kind of glanced over it and just assumed it wasnt the same thing I was going through. I finally really read it. The partial speech shutdown seems to be what I go through. I should have read through the whole thing to begin with.

Right there with you.