What is masking?

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I could tell you only my own expirience.
Other expiriences, like that described by PoseyBuster88 a few posts ago, are not exactly mine. So there is more than one way of masking, more than one strategy that gives this result. Tony Attwood described a strategy focused on closely following someone socially accepted and mimicking their behaviors to the tiniest detail. Replying social situations with dolls to analyse them. Rehearsing. I never did it. I employed my unique set of strengths but others might use their own unique sets of strengths with similar results.
Of course there are failures. I have big trouble with contexts, so I need to evaluate enormous set of parameters and still may end up wrong. I never learned to predict my mother for instance, I still never know when a slightly "wrong" tone of my voice or taking what she says literally instead of who-knows-how will trigger her. Masks are never perfect. But they are often good enough to get one misdiagnosed, which is enough for the statistics.

To the OP, thanks for asking an intelligent and very pertinent question; however I would not expect the people who have appropriated this psychological term, distorted the original meaning and imo misapplied it to be able to justify their use of it as being helpful, as I cannot see how it could be helpful. This is to me very sad, as imo the use of this term, meaning the current meaning that is being assigned to it by autistic people, is harmful to autistic people and hindering their possibility to experience general wholeness of being human in happy social relationship.

I've been meaning to start a thread on this subject and still will maybe, and what has been written here does lay the groundwork for further inquiry, but personally I do not need to hear any more definitions of what people consider to be autistic masking, as I have heard enough, though am not telling anyone else what to write; just saying that to me the way the term is being used is very clear. I get, as you probably also do, what this word represents to various members of this forum, as there seems to be a general consensus regarding the application of "masking" re autism by the people who are bandying this word about, though yours are the only comments here that are concordant with my own understanding, which is that the way people are using "masking" does not at all jive with the reality of social adjustment which is basically learned behavior.

Ah, this explains why I don't make female friends easily. I really can't be bothered with this smal talk stuff. I could learn it intellectually, but I'm too lazy and I don't care enough to.

I'll make the effort if I really like someone, but most people bore me and I don't see the point in playing. I bother to at work because I'm forced to interact with those women every day. I feel I can be myself with men and just talk business like I want to.

I often get away with being the entertainer. I make people laugh, so they like having me around. I'm caring in a more practically way, than conversationally. I'll be the person who remembers to make you a sandwich or offer you a car ride if you miss the bus, rather than enquire about your family.

I'd rather be my genuine self and make genuine connections.

This may explain why I can't get a boyfriend as well. I probably don't play the part of girlfriend well enough and I don't want to be fake. I would again rather have a genuine connection. Again, I'm more liable to invite you over for dinner than enquire about how you're feeling. I'll be more comfortable with someone who enjoys similar interests to me than faking an interest in sport. I've met someone with similar interests to me who is lovely and I'm bowled over. Not managing to progress the relationship though.

I have a friend who learns the latest football scores so she can make conversation. When she told me that , I thought it was clever, but then felt a bit like, what else is she doing that I don't realise is fake? Is that why she always asks about my family, even though I don't want to talk about my family. Does she just go through a check list of things she thinks she should say when we meet up? Is that why I feel interrogated? Is that ehy she always seems a bit off. Her social skills have improved over the 10 years ive known her, but there's still something a bit off.

I like to act in such a way that makes other people feel comfortable and happy. that brings them out of themselves and encourages them to feel comfortable and even in the moment kind of flower. This makes me feel really, really happy, and I get a chance to do it with many many people everywhere and anywhere I go--on the bus, to the store, at work. None of this is genetic. It is all learned behavior, but one part that could be maybe genetic is that I am smart enough to be able to learn to do it really, really well.

Also, sometimes I will say something that possibly might make a person feel uncomfortable, as sometimes it is necesary to take a little risk in order to discover new modes of communication and learn. This can be very rewarsding and lead to even greater communication, though sometimes can backfire. I can give some examles of this another time, maybe.

Re relationships with men, I am a feminine woman and like/love to play that role, and some of it is role playing but not entirely as it connects to genuine natural feminine energy within myself. This is not for all women. You have to choose what mode to function in and if it gratifies you. When a women is too masculine in a certain way with a masculine men, then they are both vying (ie competing) to play the same 'role' and the relationship breaks down. This all is a little complex to explain and is a side topic imo onthis thread which does not exactly relate to the original question, but maybe can be fitted in. Anyway,this is not to anyone specific, but it is possible to play various roles and still very much be connected to your own natural inner self. You should only do it, though, imo, if it is genuinely interesting and rewarding to you. If it is not, then too bad to whoever is doing it, as maybe you are missing some kind of important understanding/insight about what is actually "you."

My understanding of autistic social skills, is it's like perpetually speaking a non-native language. You can do it, and with enough practice can become pretty good at it, but it doesn't come naturally like it does to the "native speakers," and you'll have to think hard in your own language to put your sentences together.

Masking is the art of being able to pass as socially normal and usually takes and enormous amount of effort on the part of the autistic.

So with my autism I also have processing issues so I guess alot of the time what people are saying I guess reactions just not to call attention to myself. I do the same with social skills. I don't talk much about the things I like for fear of being "too intense" I go along with whatever other people are doing and at the end of the day I come home and fall apart. Every day is acting and I only feel like me when I am doing something I enjoy or being around close friends not in a group setting were I can be myself. It really is like a mask that I have to put on. Since I have done this I have been ridiculed less and made friends so I guess it works. I am not sure if I have HFA since I am level 2 under the DSM5 but I understand very little of that however I think people from all over do this kinda thing.

Hi. Am using these two messages as stepping stones and not speaking specifically about the two people quoted.

Not discounting this is how it is for you, but how do you know it is not like this or has not been like this for other people such as those some call "neurotypical"? Maybe they just learned it faster due to many different circumstances, so are rewarded sooner and for them the learning curve goes up faster. Why do people need to call their learning difficulty "autism"? Maybe autism (whatever this means to you) is a factor, sure, but why draw such a frame around it? Maybe there are some good reasons, and if so, please tell me, but imo that is blocking oneself in. I basically see the framing of certain kinds of social difficulties as oneself being being autistic to be limiting. Why not just say I'm afraid (if this is it). And why do people call it masking? This I do not get at all. To me looking at it this way is like shooting oneself in the foot. I see it as a crippling way to look at things. What specifically is being masked? Ones own true self? I do not buy this, and I do not get the focus on oneself in these social interactions (not by you, as I do not know) but by so many people. It is pretty obvious that with many there is a self-centered aspect, as that is glaring. My social interactions are grounded in a sense and feeling of being me, yes (meaning not an ultimate me) but with a large focus around interest in the other person and how they feel. p.s. All of this is learned behavior as I started out as a baby only focused on myself and then extended out from there.





I have some processing issues, too. I think many people do, some people much more so than others, This said, I feel like me when I am making other people feel happy so they are happy and then I feel happy so there is a common bond which is very gratifying. It was not always like this, though. I used to be mainly focused on myself to such a degree I did not care about other people or if they were happy. All of the much more successful way I am interacting now is learned. I love learning, especially in social situations. It is very interesting. This said I live in a place and am a part of several culture where this is easier to do then it might be if someone lives in, say, a village or town with limited opportunity and maybe surrounded by people who like to scapegoat someone who is different. I think a larger urban urban area offers more opportunity for people who are in some way a little different and/or have some kind of disability.

I suggest to try to consciously use this kind of forum as a learning tool, which some people do seem to be doing rather then just a means of releasing tension or self-expression. So if you get a new idea about how to interact in a possibly more generative way, then put it to practice in my dailyl ife,experiment with it, test it and then report back and share the results here. That is what some people seem to be doing, and to those who are doing so, I bet it is particularly gratifying.

I've never been nuerotypical so I can only speculate as to what it means to be nuerotypical. NTs obviously don't have perfect social skills and some of these difficulties may also apply to them. My statement is based on a combination of my own social experience as well as the description of autistics by professionals.

To respond to some of the questions posed here.

Why call it autism?

Well mainly because there's a diagnostic criteria that describes certain social deficiencies called autism. These include a lack of eye contact, excessive focus on special interests, difficulty understanding another person's view point, difficulty expressing empathy etc.

Is this description limiting?

An accurate description of a problem is never limiting, it is in fact useful. However, the question becomes whether the above description is indeed accurate.

Why do people call it masking?

Because it feels unnatural. I've never thought of it as putting on a mask, but have thought to myself "people won't like me if I just act naturally." The term masking seems to be useful for other people.

Some initial thoughts after reading Littlebee's post:

I agree that it is more valuable to work on concrete solutions to problems than it is to simply vent, but I think that education, a sense of shared experience (i.e. "I'm not the only one!"), and yes, voicing frustrations can be a necessary step for people to take before moving forward. But it shouldn't be all one does.

I also agree, at least to some extent, that all humans "mask" to varying degrees in order to act appropriately and politely in society. I have asked, and NTs do have different "personas" - sets of behavior, vocabulary, etc.- specific to certain scenarios. A common example is a "work persona." Another could be a "small children present" persona where certain topics and expletives are off-limits. And there are general social rules everyone tries to follow, even when unnatural, like not scratching certain areas of the body in public, not telling a friend's secret, etc. Those are learned behaviors, so I suppose you could compare that to a certain extent to "masking."

I think that the difference people here are trying to describe is the intensity and duration. If your gut reaction and natural response to most social situations is "wrong," you have to change most of your behavior, most of the time (assuming you want to fit in and succeed socially). Even for selfish NTs, they typically naturally make eye contact, understand the rules of small talk, can read non-verbal cues most the time, etc, etc.

If you add in sensory issues and the desire to stim, that is a whole other level of "otherness" to try to hide or at least downplay.

So I do think you offered some valid points, but I also do believe that the "masking" people on the spectrum describe is a level (or more) above what the average person does to conform to his/her society.

There are some great threads on here with tips for how to succeed in various social settings, best practices for making accommodations for sensory issues, and how to stop masking so much when it becomes a burden. I believe the purpose of the OP on this thread was to learn more about what masking is for people on the spectrum, so we haven't delved much into techniques or solutions.

Hope that is helpful? Again, some great points for consideration.

people who don't fit into society for whatevcer reason need to try harder to fit in. Stimming is a good example, actually If you (a person)- want to do subtle discrete stims in public that are not noticeable, and there are many such ways of stimming, that is one thing. If you are accustomed toarm flapping (which imo is really fun. I recently pretended I was a two year (or at a younger age--for me it felt like two) and suddenly started doing it it front of my bf--a week or two before he had the stroke--and it was VERY fun. However, if it is the habit or compulsion of someone to do it in public and then you are rejected, the onus is on you. Not doing a particular behavior that elicits unpleasant reactions from others is imo not making a misguided effort. "Making" is to me a not helpful concept, meaning not generally speaking but in the way it is being used by so many autistics and catching on like wild fire--er that already seems to have happened:-) but at least some are questioning the functionality of the way this concept is being applied.

A key question here--is stimming genetic?-- which is the only reason I am commenting, as I was going to write about that subject next. If a person thinks that is his real self,, than no comment because I did not smoke any of what he did, but maybe more people are autistic than previously realized because this kind of movement is a normal developmental stage many people go through including what some call neurotypicals, but if I am going to arm flap in public then I will have to bear the consequences. Might that be more stressful for someone who has this carried this arm flapping thing into adulthood and compelled to do it publicly but pushes that urge down? Yes. No doubt, and if a person wants to tell others it's because he or she is autistic and that is why they are doing--well--different strokes for different folks.

TWIMC--yeah, people like to be a part of the autism club or any club so as to feel accepted. That is natural and understandable--but beware. Do not sell your soul and/or your common sense to do it. Do not eat ideas like pablum. Think about it, which I do see some here doing, and that is gratifying. When I first found out I was autistic a few years ago, that was a very shocking experience, and subsequently I was susceptible to seeing my behavior in that certain frame of autism, and it did and does fit, but later I began to realize there is a lot more to it. When I didn't factor in the psychological component of my own conditioning, then my own autism became delusional in that symptoms tended to be more exaggerated, I saw how susceptible I was to suggestibility regarding this topic, and that was a big breakthrough. Actually I am kind of glad aspergers syndrome was removed from the diagnostic manual. There are problems with removing it, but, in the long run, I think it may have been a good thing to do. I wonder if these psychotherapists were looking at this forum, because this is the largest venue of this kind, and what they saw here in some way and to some degree influenced that decision.

"people who don't fit into society for whatevcer reason need to try harder to fit in. "

I wrote the previous message in the middle of the night (time is wrong on here) so it is kind of sloppy but too late to edit. Obviously do not sacrifice your own core values, such as go against your conscience, in order to fit in.

To be more succinct--a lot of children do arm flapping and other stimming behavior at a certain developmental stage and then outgrow it and/or give up overt stimming, probably a lot of this because it isn't socially acceptable. If you want to do overt stimming publicly rather than more discrete hand stimming that will not make other people feel uncomfortable, then pay the price. My priority is to fit in but without having to sacrifice my own core values and to for doing this to be an interesting, exciting learning experience. Personally I have had a couple of advantages some advantages that some other autistic people may not have had, but also some serious disadvantages. There is no way to tabulate all of this and compare it to someone else, but basically it is a normal human desire to fit in and be accepted. If people don't like you or are suspicious because you are behaving too odd, then that will make your own life much more difficult. Why would anyone want to make things harder? Plus learning new ways to respond and also to transform negativity within oneself is so exciting and interesting.

Or look for places where we can be free to be ourselves -- and, if such places don't already exist, look for likeminded folks who can help us build them.

We need places where it is understood and accepted that different people have different natural body language and you can't know what it means until you get to know the person very well.

We need places where it is understood and accepted that different people have different sensory needs and we work to accommodate each other as best we can.

We need places where it is understood and accepted that we need to rely on clear, assertive communication, rather than on subtle hints.

Even in an autistic-friendly space, there will still be social rules, because we need social rules in order to be able to get along with each other. But, in a well-thought-out autistic-friendly space, the rules will be much easier for all of us to follow.

Even in an autistic-friendly space, we will still need to "mask" a little bit, in the sense of adjusting our behavior to be considerate of other people's feelings. But we would not need to force ourselves to do things that are utterly unnatural, such as (for some of us) imitating NT eye contact rhythms.

Ultimately we need autistic-friendly workplaces, as well as autistic-friendly social spaces, so we can focus on being productive instead of wearing ourselves out trying to act like NT's.

Last edited by Mona Pereth on 03 Jun 2019, 3:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Anyhow, to answer the original question:

"Masking" for autistic people (when interacting with people in the NT world) is different from the kind of "masking" that NTs do, insofar as, for autistic people, "masking" involves doing things that are intrinsically much more difficult than they are for NTs.

For example, for some of us, NT eye contact rhythms are intrinsically difficult. For some of us, eye contact is outright physically painful. Other autistic people, including myself, have a multi-tasking difficulty that makes it impossible or at least very hard to make eye contact and pay attention to the verbal content of a conversation at the same time.

Most autistic people don't just have a delay in learning social skills, but also have neurological issues, of one kind or another, that make the exercise of NT-centric social skills intrinsically difficult.

I'm not convinced with the definitions of "masking" in relation to Autism. Many state hiding things and mimicking and learning behavior but, to me that's just a natural thing everybody does regardless of what you have.

I always want to ask: How do you willingly mask a disorder? I can mask things about myself that I don't want people to know(which everyone does) but I never "masked" my autism. I didn't really get along with others, I feel no connection to many people. I say things that are inappropriate and not understand why they are wrong or need for it to be explained and it just happens, I don't "mask" or anything. I can "mask" the things that I do such as rocking(though I get a burning itch for me to start doing it again) but as far as how I interact with people and the things I say it just happens.

However, for most people, it's not nearly as difficult as it is for autistic people. The difficulty is the problem. Even if the mask is successful, it still causes the person a huge amount of stress.


Saying inappropriate things would probably "just happen" less often if you were to spend huge amounts of time and effort studying people and how they interact. But you would have to spend huge amounts of time and effort studying things that most people learn much more easily and naturally.

I do this on a regular bases. Not very well I might add. People can always tell I'm not like them and it shows on their expressions