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How to be successful dating as an Aspie.

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BigFrank
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22 May 2019, 12:08 pm

I get that. Being patient isn’t my strong suit and it hurts me to see my NT buddies get girlfriends.
How do they come to you?



Sweetleaf
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22 May 2019, 12:56 pm

Do keep in mind, even if you don't find love now....its not a failure. I mean most High School aged relationships don't last, teens are still pretty immature especially when it comes to having a serious relationship. So don't beat yourself up over it or dwell on it if you don't find a girlfriend in HS, you have your whole life ahead and might be easier outside of the cliquishness of school to find someone you really connect with.

I mean I have seen a little on facebook from classmates I had in highschool that got together with other classmates in or immediately after highschool. and at least two of them from what I gather have already have kids and separated from their HS sweetheart they got together with. I dare say perhaps some of my classmates rushed into the whole settling down and having kids thing.


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Marknis
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22 May 2019, 6:39 pm

I don't see dating in my life happening at all unless I start rooting for Trump, become a member of the Jesus fanclub, force myself to like pop country music, stop playing video games, watch only crude comedy shows, and force myself to like football.



Fnord
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22 May 2019, 6:51 pm

BigFrank wrote:
... Being patient isn’t my strong suit...
Work on it.
BigFrank wrote:
... it hurts me to see my NT buddies get girlfriends.
Don't let it show; don't let them know.
BigFrank wrote:
How do they come to you?
What worked for me (I'm married now), involved a LOT of patience, an upbeat demeanor, an optimistic outlook, living in the present (not the past), and a "don't-give-a-damn" attitude toward rejection.

Oh, one other thing ... I met and dated my wife before I received my diagnosis. There was no self-imposed stigma, so I had no expectation that I was supposed to strike out. I suppose that If I had been diagnosed sooner, I would have developed a victim mentality, and not been as successful in romance or business.

A positive mental attitude is a major factor in every kind of success.



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22 May 2019, 10:07 pm

Fnord wrote:
I suppose that If I had been diagnosed sooner, I would have developed a victim mentality, and not been as successful in romance or business.


I don't think you give yourself enough credit. I doubt you would have developed a victim mentality.


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BigFrank
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23 May 2019, 9:49 am

Thank you guys for your help
I just try to stay positive but I’m surrounded by the things I want in life. I am super outgoing and I just some direction. Any tips on how to attract girls without being obvious?



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23 May 2019, 10:10 am

BigFrank wrote:
Thank you guys for your help. I just try to stay positive but I’m surrounded by the things I want in life. I am super outgoing and I just some direction. Any tips on how to attract girls without being obvious?
Act like you don't care if they pay any attention to you or not (don't say it, show it).

Better yet, ask one of them for advice on what to get your long-distance girlfriend for her birthday. You know ... the "pen pal" from Osaka? Just smile and shake your head when they ask for a picture or for and specific details about her. Word will get around that someone finds you interesting, even if she lives overseas.

:wink: Yeah, I know it would be lying, but it's no worse than any promise of confidentiality from one of them.



Marknis
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23 May 2019, 11:20 am

Sweetleaf wrote:
Do keep in mind, even if you don't find love now....its not a failure. I mean most High School aged relationships don't last, teens are still pretty immature especially when it comes to having a serious relationship. So don't beat yourself up over it or dwell on it if you don't find a girlfriend in HS, you have your whole life ahead and might be easier outside of the cliquishness of school to find someone you really connect with.

I mean I have seen a little on facebook from classmates I had in highschool that got together with other classmates in or immediately after highschool. and at least two of them from what I gather have already have kids and separated from their HS sweetheart they got together with. I dare say perhaps some of my classmates rushed into the whole settling down and having kids thing.


Unfortunately, that's not been the case for me. I was told by others college would be better for me socially and I even remember someone telling me there were no cliques in college (Which is complete and utter BS) but college was actually worse for me socially and there were still cliques. I feel like I was lied to and some of the people who told me college was supposed to be better I've lashed out at to get back at them.

Even before the depression kicked in, I was sad that I was 13 and still didn't have a girlfriend. When I was 17 and still single, I didn't want to turn 18 and still be single but my 18th birthday came and went. I sometimes feel like I should've committed suicide back then.



Fnord
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23 May 2019, 11:43 am

Antrax wrote:
Fnord wrote:
I suppose that If I had been diagnosed sooner, I would have developed a victim mentality, and not been as successful in romance or business.
I don't think you give yourself enough credit. I doubt you would have developed a victim mentality.
Thanks, but when I see the correlation between someone knowing their diagnosis as a child and their stated feelings of abject victimhood, I can't help but assume that there is a causal connection.



BigFrank
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23 May 2019, 11:43 am

That’s what people tell me about college. I just hope that this post isn’t my reality. I keep hoping and praying that it will work out.



BigFrank
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23 May 2019, 11:45 am

For me my diagnosis was empowering to know I because I knew at 12 I was more open with it and myself.



Fnord
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23 May 2019, 11:50 am

BigFrank wrote:
That’s what people tell me about college. I just hope that this post isn’t my reality. I keep hoping and praying that it will work out.
It can work out if you don't give up.

Sure, college society is as cliquish as any other (being an extension of high-school society), but there is also a wider variety of cliques. Find one that suits you (or start one of your own) and actually show up every now and then.

I was in a ham radio club, a drama club, a card club, a creative writers' club, a computer hackers' club ... even though I had practically no social life in college, I still tried to maintain some presence at each of these clubs.

But the bottom line is that you go to college to earn an education, not to find a girlfriend.



Last edited by Fnord on 23 May 2019, 11:52 am, edited 1 time in total.

kraftiekortie
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23 May 2019, 11:51 am

I knew I was "abnormal" from the time I was a very tiny little tot.

I decided, very young, that I would try to make the best of it.



BigFrank
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23 May 2019, 12:03 pm

Exactly! College is for education first! I just am ambitious and school is easy and boring so there is no challenge. All I wanted in a girlfriend was companionship. But it’s true make the best of being “abnormal” I love being me with Aspergers and wouldn’t change it because it has helped me achieve so much.



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23 May 2019, 12:07 pm

BigFrank wrote:
Exactly! College is for education first! I just am ambitious and school is easy and boring so there is no challenge. All I wanted in a girlfriend was companionship. But it’s true make the best of being “abnormal” I love being me with Aspergers and wouldn’t change it because it has helped me achieve so much.
Well, if all you want is 'companionship', then just be friendly to a lot of people (girls included) and occasionally offer to "pick up the tab" for those that interest you. Selective generosity goes a long way toward impressing people.



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23 May 2019, 12:48 pm

The college I went to did not have any clubs outside of a Baptist Christian one, an NAACP club, and a LULAC club. I have no desire to ever convert to the Baptist faith and I don't think I would've been allowed to join the other two clubs. There used to be an LGBT club but I think it may have desolved since I didn't see it listed last time I was there; I was once recommended that club because it was open to straight students as well but my mother shot that idea down.