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Shutdown + NT (ADHD?) child -> viscious cycle

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magz
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10 Jul 2019, 3:11 am

starcats wrote:
It sounds like I have a very similar situation. I tend to shut down. My 6 year old daughter is extremely extroverted, probably adhd/asd, very sensitive to moods and always wants to help make everyone feel better. That's not anything I want to discourage, but sometimes I need space. I don't know if this would work for you, but I try to capitalize on her hyperfocus by having new craft or lego sets hidden in the closet to be pulled out as needed. When I shutdown, I do tell her how I feel and thank her for being so caring, and then I pull something out to divert her attention. A new lego set can give me a few hours.

She has many characteristics but hyperfocus is defenitely not one :D I suspect her to be mild (or well-compensated) ADHD, she can do six things at a time, getting more excited with every distraction. She interrupts her own sentences :lol: She can go away for a few minutes to watch cartoons but comes back every now and then.


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magz
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10 Jul 2019, 3:35 am

languagehopper wrote:
Vicious cycle indeed! I remember trying to make my mother interact with me by tickling her and blowing in her ear when I was a child and my youngest son used to grab me by the chin and try and make me look at him when he was younger.

I was left with the impression that my mother never paid me any attention. I suspect my children might predominantly remember those times I couldn't interact and forget the huge amount of time I spent with them deliberately trying not to be like my mother, who in her mind was trying not to smother us because she felt smothered. I hope my efforts when I wasn't shutdown at least made some good impression on them. It is so painful seeing them all finding life so difficult. If they were at least happy I wouldn't have to feel such a total failure. Mothers are so powerful. I feel as though just a little attention would have made a huge difference to me and I hate what I have done to my own children with my own failures of attention.

But at least your children have a father to take up some of the slack when you can't cope. I didn't and my children don't. At least not one on the same continent.

I have the problem of poor relationship with my mother as well and I feel the urge to compensate it with my children. With my problem solving tendencies, I employed a therapist and look for opportunities for outside help (including this forum) so hopefully I can correct the errors my parents did.
I wouldn't dare to try to by a single mother. Maybe my childhood memories are important here - my father and uncle were too important figures for my development. I wouldn't be who I am without them, in good sense.


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Amity
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10 Jul 2019, 3:55 am

Multiple short staged scenarios could be another option.
All quite subtle and positive, a mix of just the two of you and with your hubby in a minor role, perhaps at recognisable stages of a shutdown.

My thoughts on this is to remove the fear of the unknown for your girl and to prepare her for these occasions with a child friendly negotiated structure.
Children in general are more adaptable and resilient than they are often given credit for.

Also I think as girls tend to be more socially orientated, the role plays could work in conjunction with pecs/symbolism for some girls/children on the spectrum, though depending on the child's experience of autism, they may not find the content or the role play approach engaging.