When The Masking Falls.

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I completely know what your talking about. For me masking isn't a conscious decision but when I am exhausted from social interaction I become monotone and give few facial expressions. Like someone else earlier I would really urge you to try and get an assessment quickly and do your best to lower your stress levels in the meantime, whether that be something as simple as putting in ear phones to limit sound when you can (if that affects you) or doing mindfulness and or exercise at the end of the day. I am young but stress has lead to me having multiple health conditions ie. GERD, returning Costochondritis, frequent injuries and even Alopecia to name a few so if you are feeling like this never brush it off. I really hope things improve for you soon and finding out for sure is beneficial for you.

MG,I LOVE your analogy in your first post here. We love Star Trek, Star Wars, and Battlestar Galactica and your analogy is wonderful. I relate 100%. I know exactly what you mean and how that feels

For some reason, CAPTCHA is refusing to allow me to quote your post.

Thanks Skibum.

I have not long got back from my last time in work. I was so wound up at one point I went down and sat on the toilet and then thought "I have got to keep going..." and then I felt I could have screamed as I half felt like I could not take any more. I fought through it, and went back upstairs trying to calm myself down. I then had one more bike to do. I had to work through a partial shutdown to do it. Actually three bikes I was working through a partial shutdown. I started losing my vision so I only just caught it in time to prevent a shutdown. Somehow I did this, but I had hearing issues slightly later. (The type where people say things in English but you don't seem to be able to translate even rhough you only speak English!) Strangely it was only a single complete sentence it happened. The sentence efore and after I could hear and understand! Odd it was just the one.
And after the last bike which took me over the official hours but I don't mind. I then helped a work collegue a little as he was fixing his bike. He had a new design of front mech on it which I had mot seen before, so we both were watching an instructional video on the internet without sound. The pads they use in work double up as tills etc as they slot in. In the workshop they just slot in so we can see it on a larger screen. I wasn't trained to use them but my work collegue was, so we could watch the video. The only issue is there is no sound. At least we could see how the gear cable is supposed to go which is what we needed to know. Why do they make things so complicated these days? I wouldn't say that it will work any better then a conventional front mech in my oppinion. Yet is complex and expensive to replace if it goes wrong. He had to change his brake and gear lever which is a combined unit. Just for the one side it costs a huge amount. I think they said £390. One could buy three budget bicycles for that and still have change!

Anyway. I came away still wound up and I am home now. Been here for nearly two hours and only now I am calming down. I don't know why I was so wound up today in work. It should have been the opposite. The last day is usually a cheerful day as one is looking forward to a well earned rest. Bt somehow I had lots of extra anxiety in the morning.... And I struggled to shake it off.

Oh. I know what really prevented me from going from partial shutdowns into a shutdown. Stimming. Each time I could feel things getting worse and my energy dropping (Limp mode coming on) I started to purpously stim (I was on my own so I was free to do what I wanted... As long as the bikes were done they were happy!). The stimming worked effectively. I am 100% sure I would have been in a shutdown if I wasnt stimming. I had tried cola, and chocolate earlier and they were not working. (Sometimes they work). Nope. Hardly any effect. But stimming. What an effective tool. Yes, I was struggling, but the stimming prevented a shutdown and kept me in the lesser extent of partial shutdown mode... I did have to stim a few times. Flapping my hands works the best. I could feel my arms getting warmer and then I could feel the shutdown lifting.
Question. By stimming my blood is flowing better. Yes? So could it be that it sends fresh blood to the brain? Does it have something to do with adrenalin? My Mum has big issues if she is injected with adrenalin. I also have issues too. I find my body shuts down if injected. I struggle to keep breathing. Everything shuts down. My Mum went into what was described as an exclamptic fit after being injected at rhe local dentist a few years ago. It took her a year before she was right. The dentist wanted to call an ambulance but my Mum just wanted to get out to recover. She said "No" and we went to see her doctor there and then as an emergency. The doctor just said "It is one of those things". No follow up. Nothing. Yet to me it was as if she had had a stroke. She took ages to come back to her normal self. She didn't aant to go out or answer the phone for most of the year etc. (We eventually changed doctors surgeries).

Anyway. Whatever it does, I know stimming works in this situation. However, most of the time I suffer because it does not occur to me to stim! I have had so many years of being prevented from doing the various forms of stimming (Though I never rocked back and fore or flapped my hands, I did the others, and I was ot aware why I used to stim. It used to come automatically which is why it was so hard to train myself not to stim. It took years! But wow. Hand flapping really works! It's amazing!)

Question. I believe I now have hope. With this hope, do I concentrate on removing the remains of the masks, what's left of them, or do I concentrate on rebuilding the mask? I think removing the remains is the better long term option as I no longer want to wear masks to fit in... I don't need to conform as long as all I do is within the law... Why should I conform? Big question eh?

I focused on removing the masks because this way I am able to slowly rebuild my mental health.
Also, I found out that when I'm boldly different, people conform to me, at least to some extent.

Oops. A long post. Sorry! Warning. May be a stressful read!

First though I need to slowly learn who the unmasked "Me" is, and I think.... Well, I am not sure I could function at all without some degree of masking, as I am naturally shy and a bit clingy. I am an introvert. Strangely, in my local area and certainly most of Wales, I like to drive or, in the past cycle and explore. I almost have an inbuilt map and compass as long as I am in the rural parts of Walss. I used to love studying maps of my local area. I still do. Yet the areas I don't like to be in are the built up city like areas as though I have been in them many times, I find them too much. I am on edge. Actually towns can be like this for me as well. As I am writing this I am wondering if being in a city or town means... I mean... Well. For me the panic or "On edge" feeling I get is that my mind is looking everywhere. So many people to watch. So much happening. So many houses.
Yesterday, when I was able to open up and talk about partial shutdowns etc in a work enviroment, it was mentioned (I am trying to remember the words, so I will put them in my words as I can't remember what was said) that I was in an enviroment where there was too much going on? I have to think about it. All I know is that my thoughts were continually thinking and I was on edge and therefore stressed (I call it pressureized?) and anxious? But it is as if I am having two or more sets of thoughts to do at the same time and my brain is coping with anxiety for the first hour or two until I start to settle down doing the work... My focus in both on the bicycle I am working on and many other thoughts, and if I try to calm myself down but thinking of a song to sing in my head, I can have the song, my thoughts and the thoughts of my job all at the same time to deal with... Even if I am concentrating on the one, the rest are still there trying to push through. So I am not sure if I am overstimulated by the external enviroment or not as well, as long as... Well. You can see why these days that dealing with customers as well and also if I had to do the computer till systems on top of this, I start to panic.
Tell you what was absolute bliss the last time I worked there. The air conditioning worked and was quite loud as I was working next to it. And the other mechanic or any of the other staff working there would turn it off and some would put the radio on. Well, While sometimes I can enjoy the radio as sometimes some of my internal thoughts are directed to the radio, I am much, much happier with it off as other times I have the radio music and talking as well to deal with. But with this noisy air conditioning unit which is quite a big unit I was working right next to, it may make me deaf, but it was absolute bliss. I could work and not even hear my own thoughts. HAHAHAHAHAHA! But seriously. It was just me and the bicycle! It was absolute bliss.
However this time I worked there the AC was not working. Everything was then too much. And I was so glad my actual shifts were short and part time. I did the odd hour of overtime here and there but it was really hard. Just typing about it... It is making me anxious.
Yet, I have done that job on and off for years. I have also worked in much more stressful ways. Ok, I wasn't really coping internally as it used to take me (If I had a tough day) from the time I got home to the time I could eventually tire my brain out in the early hours of the morning just to unwind and get off to sleep and I would even be dreaming about work! Oh... Dreaming about work.. I've done that too!! !! And when one wakes up one is exhausted as one has already done the days work, and has to do it all again without the rest one gets from sleep!
I did that on the railway. I remember I was so exhausted and "GRRR!! !" annoyed! Finished a long night shift dealing with drunks.. then so concerned about the next day as not only did I have the worst shift possible, but it was on the friday whe the drunks came out and all the travellers coming home for the weekend were also mixing with them... And every train I worked was an all stopper apart from the last which was even worse in this situation as I had to work quickly to find out where everyone was going incase we went straight through their station and there wasn't a train back as us and the HST behind us who connected with us were the last two trains going down, and the up trains had already passed... I worked every stop to the big city which seemed to take forever on a busy train catching the tail end of the commuters going home, and the next train to the busy branch like I did the same, and on the return caught the ones going to the big city for a night out with every stop... And then a break where I went out of the station to get food to see all the drunks gathering after their nights out ready to come back with us... So I knew what was coming! And that last train home which was half filled with having to wake long distance travellers up and chasing recently boarded drunks out from their hiding places, most of whom had tickets but played games trying to pretend they didn't... and if they didn't sober up quick enough and tell me where they were going we would pass straight through their stop and they would turn angry at us! And I eventually then half way through ths train caught the next surge of drunks from the inbetween city which could be worse to deal with as they had had exra hours of drinking time.. They used to sometimes take the whole width of the 4 lane street to walk up to reach the station. I'm not kidding. They were that drunk they were sideways swaying over four lanes of road and then wide pavements to get here. At least the driver thought it was funny! I had to deal with them on the train! Why do people drink?
And then I finished the shift, slowly counted up, handed in the machine and takings, went back to sign off and ring off, went to my car, drove home hardly remembering the journey home which was a 16 to 17 mile trip, and then I woke up. It was all a dream. I HAD TO DO IT ALL AGAIN!
The dream had been so vivid and so well detailed in every feature that I had no actual rest. It was absolutely aweful. It was as if I had been awake for the day before in the real shift which itself was a long one, then not sleeping due to thinking about the next day and then sleeping but doing the shift in my dream, and then doing it again for real! I was soo tired I got home, crawled into bed and I was out! I didn't even know or remember if I set the alarm for the next days shift! Somehow I woke up in time.

But with bicycles. I was once in charge of a bicycle department and I was always unable to wind down after the shift with thoughts during the night read for the next day and did I do this, and what about Mr So and so's bike which hasn't arrived yet etc, etc, etc! I could't shut off when I was home from work.