NT/AS relationship help

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Wow, this has really made me think. I had a conversation with somone on the spectrum recently. I was trying to put my point across and they just kept saying sorry.

I got annoyed that they weren't engaging in the conversation and they responded that they didn't know what I wanted them to say. They wanted the conversation to just be over and for me to stop going on about this thing that they felt bad about. I was just explaining my perspective. I wanted to know what their thoughts were on my perspective and if they agreed or not or could explain what happened.

I just wanted them to respond truthfully with their perspective on what I was saying. I didn't want them to say a magic thing that would make it all ok. I think some men think that women want a magic thing to be said that makes it all ok. They dont understand the concept of hearing someone out. NT or As.

Maybe I wasn't clear enough about what I expected from the conversation.

I think your boyfriend may feel the same way. He was brought up to say sorry if he hurt someone. He said sorry. But you're continuing go say you're hurt. So he says sorry again. You keep talking about the thing. He doesn't know why. He's already said sorry, but you're not accepting the apology, so now he's confused. What do you want him to do?

I understand what you want him to do. You want him to engage in the conversation.

But I'm trying to explain his thought process here.

I don't think that the, "when you do x, I feel y" approach will work with an aspie.

He thinks: Ok, so you feel like that. I don't want to make you feel like that. I didn't mean to, I'm sorry.

Tell him what you actually want. Be specific. How you feel is important, but it's not what you should lead with. Discuss the mechanics. Feelings are vague and abstract and seemingly come from nowhere. They're confusing. They're illogical. They're a nuisance. I hate feeling things. It gets in the way of getting on with life.

What he wants to know is how to get on with life in a good way.

His drinking is an issue that doesn't help things. He may be drinking to deal with stress or sensory overload at work, or at home, or both. An escape. I dunno what you do about that.

Welcome to Wrong Planet. I hope this doesn't sound too harsh. If it does, please feel free to ignore it.

I suspect he knows what bothers you. Probably he can't change how he is. So when you keep bringing up the same topics, no matter how nicely worded, he recognizes that and is tired of it. All the different rewordings might even be insulting to his intelligence.

One of the best things I have learned to keep my marriage going well is to back off, stopper what I was going to say and just let it ride.

Either he loves you or he doesn't. Texts and phone calls do not demonstrate love. There is no 50-50 in relationships, because we are humans and are different one from each other. Sometimes one partner gives more than the other.

For example, I am very sensitive to sound and my spouse doesn't care if everything is loud enough to pop eardrums. When I am in the house, he is quiet - for me. And I do not have to be quiet for him because it doesn't bother him. That's not equal. But it's the way it is.

I forget who said it, but I agree with giving him specific actions that would help. I would recommend doing so in writing, and letting him know that these are concessions he could make/actions he could take to accommodate your needs, issues, insecurities, etc.

So for an example (that may or may not apply to you), instead of trying to dissect a past fight, just ask him if he can try to keep his voice quiet and avoid curse words when discussing things with you, because those actions remind you of traumatic past experiences and cause you to feel panicked. And maybe offer an alternative action if he is getting too upset to control his voice or word choice, like saying "I need a few minutes" and going outside or into the bathroom. Concrete actions are easier.

I don't know for sure if I am NT or ASD, but I struggle with identifying and talking about my emotions or figuring out what other people want me to do when they are upset. Explicit instructions really help.

Maybe also, if you are in the middle of an argument that isn't going well, specifically say "I love you, but I need a few minutes alone to calm down. I will come out when I am ready. I love you." That should (hopefully) reassure him and also give a clear boundary he can respect.

My ASD/NT relationship is 26 years young and I hope for many more.

I am ASD and my husband is NT -- interestingly he is from a home with physical abuse. I (the ASD) insisted prior to marriage that we go to therapy - so I see resistance as separate from ASD/NT and more so related to man/woman. I take us to therapy every five years or so for a tune up (when I feel particularly disconnected). The last one was very helpful - just three sessions focused on establishing regular, structured communication. Works well.

My husband and I are a really good match and it's a really hard match. We compensate for each other (I have the ideas, he implements). We met b/c one of my special interests aligns with his culture upbringing. He liked my honesty; I like that he is easy-going. That said we had poor parental role models and have MANY bad habits to adjust. I'm finally learning how to establish my limits in a more assertive (regulated) way (this in my late 40s). And he's learning to express his feelings (I'm talking about the NT mind you).

He's finally considering going to therapy himself (at age 50) --- he's thinking PTSD for himself. This is necessary b/c we have children we are raising, and children will bring out the crazy in anyone!

If I think back to when we were your age.... yowsers! Really tough stuff. I would rage at him for not setting my expectations (now I just rant), his communication was near completely lacking (now is somewhat lacking), I had suicidal tendencies (now I have the briefest moments of panic), he would avoid, avoid, avoid (now he'll take the time to come find me and SIT DOWN TO TALK!). We were a hot mess (now we are almost stable). We still have conflict but resolve it SOOOOOOO much faster and gentler. That fight fair and don't go to bed angry we established in our late 20s or early 30s really helped. The communication we established in our 40s took us that much further.

He's calling me right now, he's says "don't fix someone else's marriage" and I replied "I'm supposed to give attention to my own?" Aren't we the cutest couple. Wishing you well as you find your way, in this world, in your relationship.

I should probably admit to how badly i handled that conversation I mentioned above.

I was expecting some bad news. What I was expecting was said to me face to face.

Now that I had that information , the purpose I had in my head had been accomplished.

I did not know what else to say. I couldn't think about anything past that point in time. I had no other thoughts in my head other than that I had the answer to my question.

The other person was upset.

And I walked away.

Might not be the best way to deal with it. But I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what they now expected of me. I didn't know how to fix it.

That's how my aspie brain reacted.

Then I came back a few days later to talk it over, but since they had conveyed the information I had asked for the first time I think the other aspie also hit that, "I don't know what she wants from this conversation" moment.

There are a lot of conflict resolution tutorials on the web. Try to find tutorials that: (1) don't emphasize talking about feelings (because your boyfriend has difficulty talking about feelings) and (2) don't emphasize stuff like eye contact and body language, if your boyfriend has difficulty with those also (as I do).

Anyhow, I hope you manage to improve your relationship with your boyfriend. Feel free to come back and let us know how things go.

(Also, I would be very interested in your answers to some further questions of mine about autism research here.)

I think that the others here have really added some decent input to this, I'm not in such a great place ATM myself otherwise my mind would be able to think of better strategies. I wish you well and good luck.