Mountain Goat wrote:
Your writing in English is amazingly good. I am glad you understand what I wrote about the shutdowns. When you wrote I realized that you were writing about the same thing that I was experiencing. For me, I experienced partial shutdowns and shutdowns now and then, but it wasn't until about 12 years ago when I first hit burnout that I was really having issues, and as I have gone through a lot of difficult times since then with a lot of stresses, I have hit several burnouts and each time I was getting worse. Thought I was ok to work again (Part time low hours just for the summer) which I did but it was so difficult that I was a real mess and by the time I reached the last day in work I was having so many issues that I realized that I can't work again. Not unless I can recover which may take a long time.
I live with my mother. She has a pension but it is only just enough to manage. Because where we live is a few miles to reach a bus stop, and when I feel like this I can't walk, and my Mu can't walk the distance any more.... I need to keep a car going. So I was working just to try to keep a car running so my mother and I can live, and it was getting harder and harder to work. So I was getting bery worried. I am so glad that now I can claim a sickness benefit. I do not know how long it will last, but while I can get it, it will stop me getting so worried.
Yes. Stimming. I had to learn stimming all over again. Many years in school and a few different jobs, every type of stimming I had done, I had to stop as teachers, or managers of the places I worked or other staff told me off. It was horrible because I was living being very careful of my every body movement!
About the stimming and body awareness:
Do you also experience very tiring hyperawareness in public? I once had a medical specialist (another health issue) to whom I disclosed my diagnosis telling me I don't look autistic and must be very high functioning, because I make good eye contact. Yeah right. I was totally tensed up (sitting motionless, suppressing stims) That was around age 15 when I was figuring out how to do the eye contact thing. I was literally counting a pattern I made up with seconds before I was looking away, and she says my eye contact is typical...
I guess a lifetime of masking made me a good actor.
I remember skibum writing some time ago about fluctuating functioning levels. That's one of the things that hinder getting accommodations. Like, when I was doing great a few years ago, you could barely notice me as being not NT. Now I'm low functioning.
Problem is, sometimes this doesn't fluctuate over years our months, but from day to day and hour to hour.
For example, when I suit up to dive, I have a routine I follow. However, a few weeks ago I bought a new suit with different zippers, my parking spot near the lake was occupied. I had a hard time coping, and it took one hour instead of 20 minutes to get ready.
As long as I manage the parameters and have a predictable routine, I'm not really that autistic, until unexpected change upsets my routine. Amount of sleep also change functioning level.
Do you also expect this fluctuating functioning levels from almost NT to extremely autistic?
(Last months because of burnout I haven't achieved the high functioning state anymore)
Postscript: going to sleep now. Will be back online tomorrow
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Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 186 of 200 Aspie Quiz Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 15 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie)
02 Nov 2019, 5:32 pm
