How Does Masking Work?

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Yeah, this is how my meltdowns work: I can’t recall ever having had the type one ‘out of the blue’ form of meltdown. When overloaded I to go into a state where I’m still aware of everything going on, but totally blank mentally, no thoughts & completely unresponsive: I assume this is what’s meant by ‘shutdown’.

Type two situational meltdowns, those do happen: usually I can tell they’re coming on, although not always and forewarning time varies: stopping them isn’t an option though.
They almost always take the form of 30-90 seconds of phrenetic energetic (sometimes violent) outbursts followed by a prolonged period of sitting in a corner shaking and blank inside.
At the worst point in my life I also used to growl and bark a bit like a dog: that was definitely a wider life context symptom: hasn’t happened since 2010.
Prolonged weeping used to occur as an alternate form, but not for the last six years or so.
Buildup is a factor definitely: the situation trigger can be banal and in and of itself not a concern, it’s the cumulative effect of multiple factors over a period of time that brings it on.

Stimming: I can stop myself if I’m in a situation where it’s better not to, that almost always comes with a price later on though so I tend to use a range of ‘micro stims’ to reduce the urge/need for the major ones,
flicking my toes inside my shoes is a favourite: totally invisible
Unlike skipping round the room humming a single constant note whilst hand flapping...
It’s not foolproof, when I get totally focused on a task or line of thought then all capacity for self-control vanishes and surreptitious subtlety falls off the agenda.
“Hey, weren’t there customers in this shop?” Is a question I’ve asked just after bouncing off a wall before now.

Examining my past history I believe I used to get meltdowns as a young child, which were extreme build up of stresses which came out as a sudden temper like rage mixed with frustration etc... A temper like crying fit where I would be taking it out on my toys and often I would end up blue as I reached the point where I would be crying and not be able to draw breath... Somehow my parents either slapped me or something as I would then draw breath after they intervened.
At the ageof about five or six, I went in one of these temper like events and I grabbed a rollerskate (Solid metal things which had some weight) and I crashed it on a girls head (She was about three or four years old).
When my Dad told me off, I realized what I had done and I was soo shocked that I could have killed her, it had a huge effect on me. (The two girls were neighbours and we used to play almost daily at times so I liked them). From about the tail end of six years old onwards, I started having shutdowns instead which have continued to this day. Is only recently I found out what they were. I believe I do still get a kind of meltdown on rare occasions which I call a claustrophobic mind. Is different from the previous rages, but I get a similar internal pressure build up where my mind feels like itis goingto explode, and my mind starts going into hyperdrive recalling many past events.. The pressure builds and builds and just when it reaches the point where I think I can't take any more or my head will explode (!), it subsides and I get such a peace and calm (And I feel tired with the stress of the event) that I just curl up in bed and go to sleep in a lovely peaceful way. But the build up of pressure can last a few hours as the pressure slowly builds up.
But for me these claustrophobic events are thankfully rare. Maybe at the most twice a year and I may go a couple of years to the next one.
Shutdowns, however come far more frequently. Partial shutdowns can (If I am working and are stressed) come in strings. Never had them like that before, but the last few times I have taken on temporary part time work, I have ended up with strings of partial shutdowns (Without letting up... Going from one to the next to the next) and total shutdowns mixed in. After the shift they subside, but before the shift starts after having driven to work, I get huge anxiety where I have to sit in the car as I can't get up. It was taking about 20 to 25 minutes to subside.

Masking...

Because of being told off for various things where I am quite a sensitive person who is fairly intelligent, I would be hiding stims and also hiding partial shutdowns. Obviously stimming is very visual so hiding this takes a great deal of manual concentration, and I found when I was repeatedly told off for one stim, and I eventually conquored it by going through weeks or even months of examining my every movement to the point that I was scared to move and stayed still and not say a word etc... Just incase I accidently stimmed and was told off... This took such a lot of mental effort to do when one is in school having lessons at the same time, that it is massively mentally exhausting. But gradually as time went on I would have conquored the stim... But then I found myself beint told off for a different stim as it is as if once I conquored one form of stimming, it came out in another form instead... and this went on and on where I learnt how to mask these stims by transferring them into more hidden stims instead. (I did not think to do this but somehow my body would stim innmore hidden ways and I would conciosly use these hidden stims instead when I needed to stim if that makes sense).
I called this automatic masking because one by one I had learnt not to stim and it then became built into me like an automatic mask where in recent years where I have had burnout, these automatic stims are finding their way back out... It is like my ability to keep them locked away has been undone when the cracks appeared in this mask (Or is mask the right word).
But now we go to what I call purpously done manual masking which I developed as a way of social interaction. I masked by acting thick with using a calculated sense of humour behind it. I developed this in my schooling years where during a science exam which had an area that to me was to be avoided (Sex education which we did at age of 13) so I torally fbricated all my answers and I had refused to study it (While in class I just blanked the lessons and just daydreamed... Sure, if the teacher asked me what she said I could recall her word for word.. But those words had no meaning when I blanked them off in my mind... and the diagrams I copied I did not connect to what they were. Was told this is a male and that is a female... Ok teacher. If you say so! And the talk about females laying eggs? They are not chickens!)
But anyway... I totally fabricated my answers inthat section of rhe exam and word got out and the school bullies came to me for their own amusement and asked me sexual related questions and I just made up amusing answers and I found unusually I could hae conversatons with them without being bullied. Well. Not that most of them bullied me, but I could connect with them and others... As I was normally a bit of a loner with just two or three friends mostly younger who also were in the same boat who saw me and another my age as support.
But anyway... This manual masking developed and enabled me to not only connect with people, but by acting thick, they would look after me (A side effect I had not expected) and I also found when this reputation I had in doing this was believed and took over, people would say things in frot of me that should have been confidential so I learnt new things! Not that I would use these things to be nasty. Was just I found out things which I would never have found out if I was not masking in this way.
But when, usually after about two years of the stress of a college or a workplace cracks started to appear in the mask and the real me started to appear through them, people became hostile towards me and I started to get bullied etc... And so I went throug difficult times.
So I learnt to hand in my notice when the masking started breaking down.
The odd thing about masking. Once learnt and perfected I would do it without thinking. (It took a long time before this happened, but it would eventually happen as the masks grew to be part of me). But while wearing these masks I would always have the background feeling of "If only they knew the real me" and yet I couldn't, or wasn't able to unmask... So while maskingnis exhausting there was no way out, and as when masks started to wear out and cracks appeared, I would have to switch to a new workplace or situation where there were new people so I could avoid getting bullied. (In collage I had the whole class against me so t was about 25 to 1, and I went through the worst time of my life... At one time I stood on the desk and was about to run from desk to desk and smash my way out of a high level classroom window to avoid being picked on when the teacher had nipped out... He came back in just in time to see me standing on the desk. I had calculated thatbif I smashed through the large single pane window I would fall into the top of a large tree and climb down to escape).

Now I naturally mask if surrounded with people or I just keep quiet and say nothing. The masking can be severe or light depending on how much I feel the need to protect myself. Now I have friends and friends. I have lots of friends who I mask when I am with them even if the masking is light. Then I have just a small number of friends (two, maybe three) who I can unmask with and be myself, and these people are not your average people. To e a really close friend is one who I can talk about anything and I feel safe to be the real me, and if we meet other people and I then mask, they either don't notice (Because they do the same maybe so think it is natural?) or they don't mind. It is rare to find such a person in life.

^ Yes! Truth form mountain goat.
It doesn’t start as a calculated strategy: more of an automatic survival instinct in response to hostile situations... but if you realise you’re doing it, it can become a strategy.

Two years max for full-time work hours or equivalent is pretty much my experience too.
Can be a massive gamble with ones mental health though.

The problem is throughout my life I have be it automatically or manually used it and I know no different, and it is only really last may when I joined this site and asked questions tat I really started to examine myself and start to find out what had been going on. I am 47 now. So it has been 47 years of life without even knowing until last may, that what I was experiencing were shutdowns and partial shutdowns... As I was never able to explain to doctors in a way that they would understand and I think most doctors don't know much about shutdowns? As when I saw a doctor after two years of trying (As when I would go I kept clamming up with mindblank so it took me two years to ask) and the doctor I saw... It became clear that she knew about meltdowns but didn't seemto know about shutdowns.. (About two years previously I had been dating a lady with aspergers and her son had autism... And as I questioned how it effected her, many of the things she said apart from two of them seemed to be normal everyday experiences to me... And I assumed back then I was a normal person who just happened to be different and not fit in if that makes sense? In regards to masking. I thought it was normal. I thought everyone did it and some seemed to do it far better then I could and managed to have many friends! I never considered that I, who tended to be a loner with just one or two friends if that... was actually mentally different? I had assumed it was because I had a different background living on a smallholding then the kids who lived in the villages or the towns)).

Yes. The two year experience before the masking started to wear off and I would have to move on... Well. These days that period of time is far, far shorter. I would say after hitting many burnouts, and each one I seemed to sink lower afterwards... That I would say at the moment it would be a couple of weeks if that.. And remembet that I don't like adjusting to the unfamiliar and new... But at the same time I can't stay when the masking starts to wear... Things have become quite difficult.
To be honest, a single day at some sort of social event takes me a week or two to fully recover, so every appointment I need to attend (E.g. benefits office) sets me back. Yet I find it less stressful then a phonecall, as in about 15 minutes I am going to get a phonecall from the benefits lady who deals with me. She is very nice and patient.. But I have been panicing on the inside... And distracting myself typing this while sitting on the loo (Nurves can ake me need the loo and I am calmer when onthe loo as I can shut the door and get some non disturbed "Me" time) helps to calm me down.
I will be fine once I start to talk on the phone... (OK, I am kinda expecting bad news... News I would rather not hear at the moment... But I have been mentally preparingfor this for a long time and so I will react accordingly to the results if a result that I would rather not happen happens).
But... Well. As I have been masking all my life, and energy levels atc are definately effected and so are mental... It is hard for me to say about the mental strain of masking as I know no different. Is only when I get the severe effects of burnout and the ability to keep up masking is just not there anymore... And I feel really vunerable so I try to withdraw... That I really start to notice? As apart from the burnouts, and when I was a young child who was regularly bullied for being withdrawn and different, I have always masked, so it is hard to say.
To me, after burnout when I reach the fragile stage and am not able to do much... And I am somewhat unmasked and vunerable... This is the only time I have really unmasked and I feel really exposed and vunerable. And I keep getting security guards in shops notice and... Well. Put it this way. It is a bit like being bullied at school for having done nothing wrong... So quite a few large retail shops I can no longer go in.

Last edited by Mountain Goat on 03 Feb 2020, 2:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.

When I "mask," I might tell myself "don't stim."

I might restrain the urge, say, to punch a wall when I am angry.

"Masking" to me, within this context, involves not seeming "overtly autistic."

Aye, some similarities and some differences here: I managed more or less through schooling (as I mentioned in a post above I was not required to behave in any particular way by my parents: nor were my siblings for that matter)
When I tried art college after high school, however, burnout became an issue: I was living as a lodger with my aunt and not having any comprehension of my differences at that point I my life I just spent all the time trying to socialise on mask setting with no idea of what I was doing: time to burnout approx 4 months.
After that I moved back in with my parents, and after two months of almost total rest got a job in a factory and started going out with other young guys most nights: rinse and repeat of the above but with different details.
Another two months total rest then I went up to university, the first two years were a really good time in my life to be honest: obviously unconsciously masking whilst on the course itself, but lots of time spent alone in my digs... or for that matter working till 11pm in the studio on my own every day for months on end because no-one else was that dedicated!
Then at the start of third year I managed to acquire a girlfriend ... this was, with the wisdom of hindsight, a big mistake ... because it meant I was automatically masking all the time from then on: our entire relationship was built on a mass of lies I didn’t even know I’d constructed ... and I burned out halfway through third year.
I got the degree... after four years of repeats, much toleration and compassion from my tutors, multiple burnouts, the worst and most frequent meltdowns I’ve ever had: and the relationship was a dead, mutually abusive husk by the end.
Ten years later and I know (finally!) what was going on, I’ve got a life with a wife (without whom I’d still be lost in the aftermath), things worth doing in it: but I’ve not yet fully recovered my energy, enthusiasm or stamina to keep pegging away at things.

And yes, what you were saying about the dole office brought back very similar memories: spent about two years on that one (2011-13) .... even though every individual human was very nice and helpful the overall process is deeply, deeply stressful: I found each jobcentre visit worse than having to present a completed design project to the whole class at uni... ... I would still be there were it not for my wife marrying me and setting me up with my first two gardening customers.

My mother used to slap my hands for stimming, but that didn't work.
If I stop stimming it will start right up again. It's not consciously controlled.
My meltdowns were emotional.

So masking basically means using restraint.

I did that in class to be less of a distraction.

There is no way I can do that to actually hide my autism, but I can tone it down some for periods of time.

Indeed, even the most effective & convincing mask is only as good as your experience permits: one previously unknown social cue comes along and the reaction to your inability to comprehend what’s happening, and your inability to comprehend what the reactions about and you’re lost, panicking and shutting down or stimming in a room of angry/mocking strangers you thought were friends.

Think I’d just like to clearly state at this point that the ‘horror stories’ of masking from myself (and I think also mountaingoat)
Are based off the experience of being undiagnosed, and hence totally unaware of the situation until it overwhelms you.

I’ve found over the more recent past that if you practice restraint in restraint: that is mask, but consciously, and for brief, manageable periods of time it can be a useful life skill.

....
(Edited for grammatical clarity)

One of the most difficult mental efforts that I can remember doing in the past was to prevent myself from stimming, as I would stim automatically and I didn't even notice when I was doing it. To stop stimming a particular stim took a prolonged mental approach often lasting for several weeks or even months where I would be constantly examining every movement that I did in order to prevent myself from doing it, and in doing this, it was like the stim wanted to come out anyway, so it would switch to a different foem in which was the next thing I would find myself in trouble for.
If I wasn't so sensitive then it would not have been such an issue, but to me, trying to be normal... Trying to be that round peg when I was always square... Puttingnon the "Round" act to try to fit in only damaged my lovely square sides and made me deeply unhappy.
It is only later on in life when now and then I had an "I don't care. I am me. Take me or leave me" attitude.... But this attitude was more of a temporary rebellious internal anger so its durability was of limited effect. I had major relief when I took this attitude though... But it did not prevent me from masking. It only relieved some of the guilt that I was masking for a limited period of time (If that makes sense?)
But through fatigue one gets to the point where one stops caring so much about what other people think of you... But unfortunately, fatigue also has with it a type of losing the get up and go ability, along with the ability to do anything much... It is like the two are joined together and they need seperating if I am going to get the best of both worlds.

Yes, one of my unintended byproduct substitute stims was pulling out my moustache hairs and eyelashes!
Took a long time to let go of that one, and it still re-emerges on occasion.
I wanted to be ‘round’ but succeeded only in being weird and intense: which lead to bullying and self-hatred.
I don’t know quite how I did it but around the age of thirty I gradually shifted from seeing myself as loathsome to seeing myself as amusing.
I think ultimately I just stopped caring, but about my past rather than my present.
Now my minds focused on it I think that the people I’m around is the key factor, how they treat me, and what they expect of me too for that matter: can’t be too more than I can achieve , but has to be enough to be tangible.

I also believe "masking" involves trying to "seem non-autistic, or NT."

Part of it involves learning the social mores of where you live. Learning to how to discern nonverbal cues. React to these cues like an NT might.

One example: Saying you are "fine" when somewhat in your office asks "How are you," or something like that. Especially if you are not known to each other.

Oh. Many times people as how I am and I stop and start to assess myself, and start to give a more detailed answer and they look wierd at me.

Yeah....people really don't want a whole "song and dance."

It's not that they don't care----it's that it's a "social convention."

People more "primitive" than us have more elaborate "social conventions" than we do. And people in the old days had more elaborate "social conventions" than they do at present.

Everybody masks to an extent. Some people have problems at home (family/marriage issues), but act like everything's fine when they're at work. That's masking. Some people are on the verge of breaking down but acts like the happiest person you know whenever you're around them. That's also masking.