Glad I'm Autistic

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Many other people, including myself, believe it’s wrong to assume what someone else wants without asking them.

People all over the spectrum hold a similar range of views on the cure debate. In fact I believe the evidence suggests that people with more severe autism are generally more anti-cure.

All individuals should have the right to make their own minds up. However, given the choice between everyone being cured and nobody being cured, I’d have to choose nobody, both on democratic grounds and on neurodiversity grounds.

I admire people who are glad they are autistic or like their autism. I don't. I wish I didn't have it, and I have a fairly mild case of it. It seems that some get the flavor of Asperger's where they really don't care about social acceptance or fitting it. I didn't get that type. I have a fairly high need for acceptance and fitting in, and Asperger's made that very hard for me growing up. It led to me being bullied, picked on, teased, beaten up, rejected, and on and on. Pretty much crushed my self esteem.

I have progressed to the point where I can fit in better than I used to, most of the time. I have done pretty well professionally, but then I am kind of fishing in a small pond also. I do well in most work interactions because intelligence seems to be the most valued thing there and I do pretty well at that. Once I get outside of work where social skills become more important, I can tell I am still behind most other guys. Not as bad as I used to be, but I still can't have interactions with the opposite sex at the level that they can.

So, if I could have had the choice, I would have chosen in an instant to not be autistic. I think my life would be better in almost every way if I wasn't.

I didn't have any problems in the first place, I was just bullied for being intelligent and not cool and left out of the job market for being intelligent but not good at social stuff.

Well it is a spectrum and the d in asd for disorder is there for a reason, even if your personal symptoms are mild.

They don’t build special schools, provide life long disability benefits, build 24h residential care institutions, spend billions in research, not to mention get into a massive debate on vaccines over just shyness, not liking parties, being a nerd or having sensory issues.

It makes me glad that others can be glad they are autistic.

(Me, I’d gladly literally give an arm and a leg, plus 20 years of my life (assuming I have that much left to give) for a “cure,” at least if it would mean I wouldn’t have things like horrible sensory issues and selective mutism that are tied to it but technically classed as their own things.)

I'm glad I'm autistic because autistic = me.

To reject my autism would be like saying "I don't want to be me", or "I don't want to be human".

You can't remove the core of who you are, without losing everything.

Everyone experiences things differently.

I remember there was a time before my diagnosis when I quite liked the way my brain worked even though I knew I was different.

I used to dismiss every failed opportunity, social interaction, job on others or put it out of my mind.

Now I know I was just like an alcoholic in denial, it did matter it was largely caused by my Aspergers.

Even failed social interactions with people I was never to see again it mattered.

The thing is nature doesn’t give a s**t you either do or don’t and if you can’t for whatever reason it’s unforgiving.

Yes overall I'm probably glad I'm autistic. Obviously I'm not glad about physical hypersensitivity but I've got workarounds for those things and I can be comfortable enough most of the time. I'm not glad that my brain keeps getting glued to details and that my executive function is off somehow, but I get by.

Without doing the impossible experiment and becoming a neurotypical I don't know if I'd like it or not, but my gut reaction is that I don't want to be one.

I don't see NT and mainstream society as being all that different, and I just don't relate to the mainstream. Seems to be all about watching prime time television (yeuk!), having a pint in a pub (not a thing I crave), doing rituals for the sake of it, schmoozing, following celebrities, gossiping, accepting hierarchies and leaders who are no cleverer than I am, internalising social mores, swarming about at parties with a crappy little plastic cup of booze and a little sausage on a stick, needing a talking head to learn anything, defining yourself by the job you're forced to do, seeing work as some kind of an ethic, pulling daft false faces and giving the obligatory eye contact, being patriotic, adopting inspirational heroes as if anybody was worthy of that mindless worship, doing the whole hive-mind thing. None of that is me and I don't want it to be me.

I want friendship to be about relating to people and their real feelings rather than asking the prescribed social questions, I want it to be about sharing skills, I want to question everything and contradict when I genuinely don't agree so that we can find out the truth together, not bite my tongue to keep up the feelgood pretense. I want people to talk and listen literally and clearly. I want to be able to say "we could lose," not "we can't lose" when it's blindingly obvious there's a risk, but to go on bravely when the risk seems worth the effort. I think like scientists, not like some moron who swallows whatever some jerk is selling just because he's using emotive technique. I don't want to learn how to flirt, I never found any use for it. When the queen shows off her golden coach I don't feel rich by proxy, I just feel it's wrong. I like to do things in depth, to try to do really well everything I attempt.

I wouldn't want to be any other way. I can't objectively sit in judgement and say my way is better, but it's right for me to do things my way, and however arrogant it may be, I somehow FEEL that my way is better than all that shallow crap out there. I know I've meshed autism with politics and several ideologies, but I don't want to artificially separate them all out here. Myself as a whole entity is valid to me. I don't want to be fixed. I like myself. I've got flaws that I work on as and when I see what they are and how to fix them myself, by trial and error and by thinking.

^ I feel much the same you. You have expressed it well. Thank you.

Isabella has also expressed concisely the value of being glad for one's autism/ND.

I struggle with executive function as well. How do you deal with that?

Hard to say exactly, as I find it difficult to watch my mental processes while they're happening.

School became a nightmare as the expectations became more in keeping with adult NTs. I couldn't focus on most lessons, they went too fast, I had no natural interest in most of it. I got through by shutting myself away and reading the text books for a few weeks before the final exams, which were all that mattered in those days. There were very few teamwork requirements in those days, which was lucky because I was terrible at working in groups, I had no idea what the other people were talking about most of the time.

I was lucky enough to pick a job - science - that was perhaps less prone to multi-task people. They valued those who hyperfocussed and were somewhat more reluctant to interrupt people who were working with meticulous care and attention to detail. Also luckily, they tended to recognise my flair for the work and so they'd let me do things my own way, adopting my own routines, so a lot of the usual expectations about thinking style didn't apply so much. There was little demand to collaborate, they'd just tell me what was needed and I'd get it done as a lone wolf, one thing at a time. I didn't need much flexibility. The "face work" of science is pretty repetitive and doesn't change much during a job, we mostly followed protocols very accurately. Time management wasn't so important, the general ethos was that the work took as long as it took, and I was good at gradually modifying the work to make it simpler and more efficient, so they were impressed with how fast I could get results. Towards the end of my working life they were getting progressively less and less Aspie friendly (interference from upper management), and I was finding myself floundering badly in some of the newly-introduced areas.

Now I'm retired I notice my mind gets glued to whatever I get started on. I'm fairly reclusive so I can structure my life pretty rigidly and make changes in my own time when I feel ready. I don't do much live communicating with service providers etc., and it's often tough when I do. I prefer eccentric people for company in small numbers for a short time as a rule, and as they're as wacky as I am, I don't have a lot of trouble with social situations, I keep them as simple and constant as I can. Most of my social life is about playing music with people, we just get together and somebody thinks of a song, and we play it. I don't get involved in anything much more complicated than that, so there's nothing much to organise.

I use a few time-management tools such as a calendar reminder program and a kitchen timer. I've configured a countdown timer on my computer to play a sound file that gradually gets louder at the set time, then goes away and comes back a few minutes later, and loops around like that. I can do basic tasks fairly well but I have to keep them simple - for example food, I just make a large batch of something and store it in meal-sized containers, and break one out when I'm hungry. It's all very standardised and perfected through repeating the process so often. I don't easily get tired of the same food, I'm usually starving by the time I surface from whatever I've been absorbed in.

Over the years I've got better at chores such as sorting out the refuse, paying the bills, buying groceries. It's all very simplified and repetitive, and I've always had enough money to avoid trouble with its management, I just live frugally and there's always more than enough money to cater for my needs, so no complicated budgeting. UK tax is simple - they just take it at source so it can be ignored. Going to see a doctor doesn't involve forms, there's no health insurance bureaucracy, and I'm hardly ever ill. I still can't tidy up my home, but I've learned a few things about the subject, chiefly not to let it get any worse, which I manage by tidying away my materials at the end of every session, to a reasonable extent. Washing clothes is simple, I just put them in the machine, add soap, shove them on the radiators to dry when they're done, I don't turn it into a long job, I only have a few garments in circulation, all very low-maintenance. Over the years I've learned the downside of not doing the basics, so I grudgingly do them, just enough to stop my life falling apart but very little more. Most of the complex juggling people do isn't necessary if you put your mind to designing methods that entail the minimum of fuss and bother.

I've known myself to be different for a long time, it just often disguised itself as other things like anxiety so it took awhile to actually appreciate myself. Once I did I really did, I can't imagine myself being any other way, I have little talent when it comes to 'arts' and I have close to zero interest in whatever are the things that sociable people do. My strengths and natural thinking patterns all revolve around logic and maths. So asking me if I'd want to be neurotypical is like asking me not to be myself, so how am I supposed to know if that'd be any better or worse? But as I've learned to appreciate myself I wouldn't choose to switch now.

I just wish society was different than it is, where social communication wasn't rated above intelligence, effort and commitment, it drives my logical mindset crazy and leaves little hope of a future. Yet as there isn't an employer or similar out there so far that would consider giving people like me a chance and as collectives we vote for complete idiots to run countries and various things, it's honestly baffling. Especially when its backed up by practically zero support towards mental health, and adult autism especially.

I'd like to experience friendships/ relationships that actually seem real and there's genuine care/ acceptance which all takes time to build, I can't make a friend in a day like I see happen with others. Whatever are the accepted social standards I really couldn't care less, it should be personal between the people involved and nothing else matters. Which for me should feel like being open, honest and enjoying each others company is a given, along with some shared interests naturally. I will make sarcastic jokes about my own or their flaws but at the same time they'd know I have their back and that's just part of my weird way of showing acceptance (possibly could view flirting in the same way). I'd want to take risks and challenges, providing the potential outcome is worth it and it not directly against who I am (so something too extroverted is a big no). Most of all though, the effort should come from both sides, which seems to be the main reason things deteriorate for me as I'm the only one trying anymore.

As for official terms, I don't think I'd ever understand why they made such a change and I'll be more likely to call myself an Aspie just cos I like the word if I ever get an autism diagnosis. It feels like a dumbing down of terms to fit society that doesn't want to deal with complex things rather than a scientific factor. As a scientist myself (or I wish) I'd value sub categories and the accuracy far more, it's a more accurate description to say Asperger rather than Autism to anyone who knows what both mean.

I'm glad being autistic too. I don't just have it, I am this way. It is the way I am, forever. People told me before to not "identify" myself with it. Maybe not with the diagnose or the name "Asperger" but I don't care, it's just me and I will be this until I die. Since I ACCEPT this fact, there's so much gotten better in my life. BUT having AS brought me a lot of bs to deal with in life and it surely will in the future as well. It's not a funny thing to just have, but it also has amazing aspects to not forget about. The question is always: Can I fully use my potential right now or is the current life-situation only brining up my flaws and my difficulties?

Don't get me wrong, but I don't believe in a cure for autism and I mean especially Asperger with it.

I'm "high functioning" but find it damned hard to function. Whatever I manage to do in the world is the product of tremendous effort and stress. So I don't like to hear that I somehow have it easier than those who aren't out in the world as much.

In spite of this, I'd never want to be NT. Even as a kid, long before I understood my condition, I never wanted to be like the mass of people around me. To me, they were the weird ones who didn't make sense.

I'm also happy that I'm on the spectrum. I'm a very unique person because I'm always true to myself. I've learned at a young age not to hurt others, because I knew how it felt when others hurt me. I enjoy my unique, pea flavoured way of looking at the world.

I love the notion that you can get ESA just for being autistic

For me it took hundreds of interviews conducted in a way which discriminates against autistic people (because yes we do think differently) before I had a breakdown. They gave me it over mental health conditions. I couldn't just claim it straight after my MA.

The idea as well that society wouldn't deem being different a 'disability' is also really naive. Check out LGBT history for egs of how that one isn't true.