A rant from an Aspie

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LOL!

It's really not that funny. This is pretty much the only result I've ever got from all my past attempts and efforts at trying to be a normal person.

Nobody here knows exactly what's going on in your interactions. It may very well be something that you are doing that's off-putting to others like it or not, but that doesn't mean there's no room for improvement. If you haven't tried anything different and are that eager to impress others, you may want to consider changing your approach and taking some practical advice. There are many threads on this subject with people in a similar predicament as you and those threads are a good starting point.

You could also try diverting that energy into doing something productive and beneficial rather than dwelling on the negative. That may gain you favor with some people based on talent, but even then nobody's obligated to give you slack or special consideration. People can suck sometimes, more so when they smell that someone is "different", and that's an unfortunate part of life. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. How you decide to deal with that is up to you.

This thread made me very sad. I had a best friend in school, or so I thought. On the last day of school she told me that I was a terrible person and she only spent time with me because I had good grades and she was using me to get better grades for homework and tests and so on. Took me totally by surprise and hurt me a lot.

That happened in my final years of school. By then, I’d given up attempts to join groups, and decided that one good friend will be enough. Yeah, sure...

Eventually, much later, I learned how to find better friends. I still don’t even try groups, but I’m better at getting along with some individuals. I learned to see, who is more like me, who genuinely likes to interact with me. These people exist too. Although it probably helps that I work in the area where people on AS are not exactly rare.

Just give up on trying to fit into groups of NTs, that’s never going to work. But don’t give up on individuals. 21 years of age is still very early to say that you have tried everything. For many of us it takes much longer to “get it”.

Like someone said above, the reason could be facial expression. It could also be inability to keep the right distance from others, and to miss cues about where exactly you are supposed to position yourself. I have seen one AS who never knew where to be, sometimes she would just disappear to everyone’s surprise, and at other times she would keep following people, to everyone’s annoyance. And I only understand that now, after a few decades of learning how to recognise these situations. And even now, I can recognise them, but it is still difficult to behave appropriately “in real time”.

Thinking more about it, you mentioned that you managed to piss off a gaming community, and that people complain about your tone. So, facial expressions or distancing does not apply then... You were saying it was TONE. Do they perceive you as arrogant? It is common for NTs to "humble-down" everything they are saying about themselves. So for example if you say that you have extraordinary skills in other areas, this is a fact to you, but it may look like arrogance to them.

Anyways sorry for my attempts to point out what may be wrong with you I definitely do not intend that! I just tend to analyse situations, that's all. I know your point was to have a rant and that's fine. I do relate to everything you've said. Maybe not to that degree, at least not right now, but if I dig in my memories, I think I have been just as desperate. I just swiped those memories under a rug in order to be able to move on.

However, I am no longer sure that I have "moved on". Yes I got "better at communication". I don't know if I got happier. I thought so, but then why am I breaking down more often? I do wish you'd find some people with whom you feel less lonely and feel less need to fit into the society. But I don't wish for you to mask so much that it does more damage than good.