Some positive things I can say about myself

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Good point. Sometimes I wonder whether this applies to me too. Now, before COVID hit, I was living in a different state from my mom. But I was wondering whether my mom instilled some mentality into me that was holding me back. Such as my mom was always overprotective of me, and thats why I wasn't so used to facing the world on my own.

As far as parents mean the best yet hurt unintentionally, I think it applies to my mom but not to his. My mom thinks its good for me that she helps me so much and she doesn't get that I can handle it myself. On the other hand, his mom has her own personal problems that she doesn't want grandkids (based on his last reply) so she sounds pretty selfish.

As far as my mom's attitude towards my having kids, I think it is probably similar to mine. If I tell her I will have kids this year, she will be shocked. But I don't think she would tell me to never have kids. I mean, when I do exrays she always worries if my private parts were covered because she doesn't want my future kids to have genetic defects I guess. But, at the same time, when I was going to a few day trip with my then-girlfriend my mom was afraid that she would "drag me into a bed and make a kid with me". So I guess she wants me to be careful with exrays to be able to have kids in the future but she doesn't want me to go to any vacations with girls so that I won't have kids now.

In any case, my mom's landlord's granddaughter once said that she doesn't think I should have kids because I won't know how to be gentle with them. I got really mad at that, and I started complaining to my mom about what she said. Now, that was the bad time to do it -- since the issue at hand was my mom's landlord (the grandfather of the young lady who said that) dying in the hospital. So my mom didn't really want to talk about it. But since I was pushing the issue, one of the few things my mom said was that his granddaughter has problems of her own (anorexia and so forth) so I shouldn't take what she said seriously and that yes I should have kids in the future. But I have no idea whether the part that I should have kids in the future is something she truly meant or not. Mainly, she was just telling me to shut up because she had to worry about her dying landlord in the hospital.

My mom "did" say though that my idea of "having kids 10 years from now" doesn't sound wise particuarly since I am 40, and that I should have them sooner. But, again, its really hard to believe she really meant it. Lets say I will go to her and say "I will have kids this year". I am sure she would say I am crazy.

Its possible though that her attitude begins to change now that I get older. Back at the time when she was afraid that girl would "drag me into the bed and make a kid with me" I was 28, not 40. So I guess its possible she begins to see that the clock is ticking. It also reflects on her attitude towards my schooling. Right now she tries to push me to get a job outside of theoretical physics, which I REALLY don't want to do, I want to stick to my dream of becoming a theoretical physicist -- which is part of the reason why I want kids "10 years from now". In the past my mom was always defending my dream. Back when I was doing my first ph.d. the people in my department were saying I have no future in theoretical physics and my mom was arguing with them trying to persuade them to give me another chance to become a theoretical physicist. Yet what my mom tells me now sounds very similar to what they told me back then -- although she doesn't admit it. My mom is like "hey, I am not asking you to abandone physics altogether, I am asking you to get this physics-related job that is not a theoretical physics proper". But that is precisely what they were telling me back then. So if she saw back then why I wasn't happy with that option, why can't she see it now?

But, back to Marknis, I don't understand why he doesn't want to argue with his mom about it? By telling her to shut up, he basically admits defeat. Instead, he should have *pursued* that conversation with her, kind of like what I was trying to do. In my case, my mom isn't being completely honest with what she thinks, so there isn't much I can do. But in his case, she is honest: she is openly telling him to sterilize himself. So why can't he argue with her about it?

Thank you, Juliette. You are always warm and nice to me. I want a family before ever considering shutting down my fertility.



I didn’t tell her to shut up. It was more like “Mother, please don’t tell me to get a vasectomy. It hurts me to hear that and reminds me of my struggles in getting a relationship.”, not yelling or anything like that.

I am glad you are doing better.

Still not a good response. You didn’t tell her that she is wrong, you only told her that it hurts you. What you should have done is tell her she is wrong. In particular, you should have asked her how does she know you can’t learn in 10 years what it takes to be a parent.

Last edited by QFT on 14 Mar 2021, 12:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Well done!!

Well done!! ! A+.

Of that I am now capable of part 2, but need to add parts 1 & 3. Inspiring. (1) I need to know how to say it (your example above, TY), (2) I need permission to say it (AS support), and (3) I'll do it (may need to reference the general script). ....(4) Let our parents be responsible for their behavior (we set the boundary) and educating themselves if they choose (we are available for sincere Qs ).

Even if she is wrong simply telling her that it's hurtful to be told to do it over and over again should be enough to stop the behaviour, at least if she respects Marknis' feelings.

It would stop her behavior, but it won't stop her thinking. The worst part is not what she says but how she thinks, and thats the part he hasn't addressed.

I think he should openly discuss it with her in order to try and change her thinking pattern as well as her opinion of him.

Thanks for sharing! glad you're doing better my friend! you deserve happiness

Wonderful news, Marknis! I love your positivity!

Regarding your mother, she can think whatever she wants to think. The difference is that she can't / shouldn't force her opinion on you, or repeat it severally, especially insinuating that you should have a vasectomy. That's hurtful and I'm really glad you told her to stop that behaviour.

My mother was the same with my brother, but for a slightly different reason. She said he should never have children because there's something wrong with all the men on my dad's side of the family starting with my great grandfather and then my grandfather, my dad, and my brother. What she meant is that they were all (most likely) on the spectrum, and that they suffer from depression. She didn't want him to pass the gene along. I still think it's none of her business, and none of your mother's business, beyond giving an opinion. It's great that you are taking these steps to be more positive.

Has your new shift begun?

PS: Put a lock on your bedroom door. It's crazy that she just walks in like that. I've always had a lock on my bedroom doors since I was about ten years old.

@QFT, you've been observed hijacking other people's threads before. This is an interpersonal boundary you might want to pay more attention to.

Sorry to hear she had that opinion. So did your brother (or any other men in your family) actually get sterilized due to her insistence?

Hijacking other people's threads means that my only true intention is to start talking about myself. But thats not the case. My intention is to connect what he is saying to what I am saying. So yes I intend to talk about him too.

I mean think logically. Its not like I never start my own threads. I do all the time. So what would, logically, be my motive of responding to other people's threads in addition to starting my own? So maybe I do want to talk about those other people, after all?

Absolutely not. He desperately wanted children, and ending up fostering /adopting my nephew as a single dad.

I think it's weird that she didn't tell me not to have kids. She only said it to my brother. I guess she didn't realise I also have the genes from my dad, granddad, and great granddad.

But then he didn't get his genes passed, at least not yet. So then she wouldn't object since her objection is genetic.

Is he thinking of having biological kids at some point?



Didn't you tell me that she was worried about autism genes specifically? But then what about the fact that you were actually diagnosed with it. Or does she not know it?

She doesn't know of my ASD diagnosis. You must have a good memory! My brother hasn't been assessed but I'm quite sure he is on the spectrum. My mother was referring to our autistic personalities in general -- without the label, and specifically to the history of depression and anxiety on my father's side of the family. My grandfather committed suicide because of social anxiety and depression, and my mother didn't want that type of personality / mental illness to be passed along. She refers to it as the "_________ curse" (my dad's surname).

No my brother is now 55 so he won't be having bio children. He has two stepsons now, in addition to my nephew. He did want bio children, though.

Sorry Marknis for this diversion. My point to you is that your mother might have an opinion, but after voicing it once or having a conversation with you about her reasons, it's none of her business. She has no authority over your physical body, just as people shouldn't have authority over women's reproductive choices.