Responses to query "why are you like this"?

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Sometimes people ask stupid questions like that because of empathy hidden behind shame hidden behind bravado.

Something in you reminds them of something in them - they don't like what they see in themselves, and so they try to "project" the uncomfortable feeling they have on you and "fix you". This way they can avoid they discomfort they feel in themselves, perhaps a feeling of being less than other people: the real question is "why am I like I am" but what they say is "why are you like you are"?

Sometimes it is attribution: my son is diagnosed as ADHD and Autistic - some things that are perfectly natural for him are misinterpreted by other people. For example: if he doesn't make eye contact people may assume that he is lying (people who lie do not make eye contact) or they may assume he doesn't respect them (sometimes people will not make eye contact with people they do not respect - those who are "beneath them") it doesn't occur to them that the cause may be a hypersensitivity - the emotional or sensory input of making eye contact may be overwhelming and looking away may reduce the feeling of overwhelm - or it may be a hyposensitivity - eye contact "does nothing for him" so it is hard to understand that it may be important to others. In a case like this the question may be "why are you being dishonest or evasive" instead or "why do you not make eye contact". People will sometimes replace an interpretation (or misinterpretation) for an observation - and then mentally "throw away" the original observation. Then the interpretation is the only think left in memory. In that case it is sometimes possible to get people to "reinterpret" by educating them. But this may be hard to do - especially if there is conflict or further misinterpretation. If I don't know both what people experience AND how they interpret what they experience I may not be able to honest explain what the alternate interpretation could be.

But: education may be a option if someone is open to new understanding - and even sometimes if they are not but COULD be.

I had to do this time and time again in IEP meetings - even with people who "should have" understood ADHD and Autism.

It can also be easier to do as a third person - sometimes it can be done as a self-advocate, but it may be harder.

I get this often and I assume they are joking, I wonder if they’re actually being rude?

Frederick Lanchester was said to "have the finest mind ever wasted upon the motor car." He once remarked about his Board of Directors - "They seem to change their minds quite often; but then, if I had a mind like any of theirs, I'd change it as quick as I could."

I've learned long-ago to avoid people who would ask such thoughtless questions.

I sense that growing awareness of the Autism Spectrum will increasingly put people who are ignorant/thoughtless of the Autism Spectrum into a minority of sorts!

Translation: "what the hell is the matter with you" ? a question often asked of me to which I had no answer. It was usually used to imply that I was not doing what the asker of the question wanted me to. It was a way of telling me I'd better get in line and shape up and do whatever it was that they wanted from me. Of course often that was impossible due to my neurology. I did not learn until much later about my autism. It explained a lot from my perspective. "why are you like this" and "what the hell is the matter with you" are phrases which are forms of "oughts and "shoulds" which are always keys to understanding that I am disappointing somebody by not doing what they want me to do.

There was a guy who wanted to mind his own business and enjoy his three-wheeled sports car, but he was in LA, and at almost every stoplight, someone would point out that he was missing a wheel. He would carefully examine them and their car, and then, just before the light turned green, ask "Why do YOU need FOUR?"

Not only would I avoid people who would ask, "why are you like this?" - I would also overlook seemingly conscientious people who are nonetheless ignorant of the Autism Spectrum.

In short, I feel it is short of mandatory to develop and maintain friendships, and intimate relationships with people who have an ample understanding of the Autism Spectrum.

Ironically, it's probably best to avoid only relating to people who have too much experience with the Autism Spectrum.

Being on the spectrum is part of my human essence.

I was diagnosed when I was 13.

Fortunately I don't get that question (I don't interact with people enough nowadays to be asked questions like that ). And I wouldn't bother answering something like that.
It's a good thing we're all different, it would be awful if everyone was the same.