The thought of having kids scares me

Post Reply New Topic

I'm 61, have no kids, and have few regrets.

I would hope, if I did have a child, that I didn't harm that child in some way owing to some failing in me.

I do panic because I'm 32 so I've not got long before my biological clock starts running out. The older you get, the more chance your baby has of being born handicapped.

If I was a guy I probably would be a (biological) parent by now, as guys don't have to bear through all the pregnancy, childbirth, possible risks, and extreme hormone changes.

This is your decision. But do not automatically assume that they will all be autistic. I married and my wife and I had two daughters. I taught them how to live in a world that harms autistic high IQ children. My kids did fine. One became an engineer and another a medical doctor. Now they have children of their own. I can see a little bit of autism in one of their children. But with a little help my grandchild can find her way in this world.

So don't automatically assume all will end in disaster, some may result in great, very great children who will go on to be very great adults.

^What happens with you....happens all the time.

You really don't have to worry about something that you have control over. Lots of people don't have kids and they're fine. I do think it's harder to be an autistic parent. Although for me personally, it's not too bad because we're all autistic and have similar preferences. My kids never had to wear something uncomfortable or scratchy or stiff; our foods don't have mixed textures; I never gave them loud or spooky toys; I don't make them play sports and we play video games together. They have never argued with me or with each other. I'm sure if I had an NT kid she/he would clash with me horribly and move out early. I do worry that they don't know how to live with other people or have the skill to resolve conflicts.

It is something to consider, the chance of having a lower functioning autistic child.

It also depends on whether you really want them or not, and how are you at functioning and going through life?
Are you relatively emotionally stable, able to handle things easily or is it harder for you?

For myself, I have a harder time handling life and changes and situations in life due to the autism, so I figured I didn't want to bring a child into this if I already have a hard enough time handling life even with a lot of help from my husband.

There's no law that says you have to have kids. If it scares you that much, don't do it.

I'm a single parent of 2 boys (1 AS, 1 NT), and it's a lot of work and a huge commitment. In 5 years they'll both be adults; my main concern is about whether my AS son will be able to be self-sufficient.

i think if you come from an all nonautism family and your the only autistic one as far as you are concerned then chances of having an autistic child are smaller

if you have several close relatives with autism and your autistic too then chances are your child is more likely to be autistic

my mum and dad definitely neurotypical
my sister is narcissist but is definitely not autistic
my uncles and aunts definitely not autistic
my son is neurotypical
as far as i know my grandparents were not autistic

i was born 3 months premature and very small even for a premature so maybe my autism is brain damage more than genetic i dont know

The vital thing to remember before having children is get a supportive network of friends and family. This is vital.

If you do what I did- move to a new area where I knew no one and had no friends, you end up bringing up your child alone. It was so difficult I nearly went insane with no downtime or quiet time, I had to be 'on' 24/7- noise, overstimulation, mess all the time with no break.

It's very important to have a support network. As they say 'it takes a village to raise a child.'

I agree having the support of friends and/or family makes a big difference. I raised one child and got away with it. He's probably got a bit of ASD but he seems to be doing well. I had no idea that I had ASD till years after he'd grown up, so I never looked at it as an autism issue. My wife at the time somehow managed to make a few friends locally, and we became part of a group that took it in turns to look after all the kids. Being a parent turned out to be a good source of friends for me too, because parents have that one thing in common so it tends to bring people together. I feel sorry for anybody who has to raise a child on their own.

It took me some time to get used to the loss of freedom that happens when you have kids, and at first I didn't know what had hit me, but it wasn't very long before I came to terms with it, and for some reason I was usually confident that I knew how to look after my son. I think my ASD may have helped me to see things as he saw them. We were strongly bonded, and he once told me that I was the only adult he knew who cared about what he wanted. I missed him a lot when he grew up and moved out of the house, and I still miss the times when he was with me a lot. It gave me a sense of purpose and status, and of course I often enjoyed his company.

But that's just my experience. Everybody is different. There are plenty of "normal" people who have kids and then act as if they wish they hadn't. Relatively speaking, my son was very little trouble and has always been easy to get on with. And I didn't have the extra burden of having more than one child. I've often heard parents of more than one child complain that "when one stops, the other starts." I was a bit concerned that as an only child he might somehow miss out socially so I always tried to make sure he had playmates, and he was always capable of making a friend or two, and when they were around he barely needed my attention at all. But like I say, that's just my experience.

I wasn't totally alone, luckily, but I was severely ill when pregnant and had post natal depression after birth. My daughter was very ill for 5 years when she was little but I was dismissed as 'a fussy new mum' by the doctors.

I had no local friends. I tried to make friends but I don't seem to be able to do that anymore, especially as I was emotionally and physically burnt out. My husband was out at work all day, he did his best to help but we needed the money so he had to work all hours. He has siblings but they took no notice of me and didn't give me any help whatsoever. My mum was around but she is a very angry, jealous woman and made it clear she couldn't spare the time to help. We live down a lonely, unlit lane with few neighbours.

It was the 'perfect storm' of the exact situation for a lonely, exhausted, scared new mum to feel at her worst. How I got through it I'll never know. If I'd had somewhere to run to, I'd have left.

I'm so relieved my daughter is healthy and nearly grown up now.

My mother felt similar to you. She was an "outsider," an "outlier." And she had to raise my brother and I (especially I, since I had definite, obvious autism).

But she got through it....and you got through it.

My mother has regrets, sure----but it didn't keep her from leading a relatively full life.

I don't want kids. I've never wanted kids. But not because I'm afraid I'll pass my aspie genes to them. That's at the bottom of the list of reasons why.

I just love the irony that people think not wanting to bring yet another child into a grossly overpopulated world full of garbage, both literally and figuratively, is very selfish. Some parents just want grandchildren really badly. Parents like that usually end up having to raise the grandkids themselves. Thank you for not breeding.

Whether a person is on the spectrum or not, having children is a big and often life-changing decision. Thankfully, its not one you have to make now. At 18, you may change your mind more than once about children. Plenty of people don't want children for all kinds of reasons.

If you did have a child there is a chance they could end up on the spectrum, but there is also a chance they won't be. I don't know if you've considered that you would have an advantage over a neuro-typical parent? You have personal experience with neuro-diversity and inside knowledge that other parents may not have.

(I only read the OP)

You can always adopt a child of you your choice from some poor country. That's a safer option. Or you can always choose not to have kids. No one can force you to have children. I get a feeling that you consider lower-functioning autistic people inferior or something, which makes me sad.

I will never have children not because I worry about the quality of the child but because I consider a child as a burden that would waste my time, money and energy. After all your effort of raising it, it could turn into a horrible monster that hates you for being its parent. It's too risky.

Edit: fixed an error

Last edited by temp1234 on 12 Sep 2022, 9:31 am, edited 1 time in total.

If you don't have children there is a good possibility that you will be alone at the end of your life. That is a fact of life.