Autism and empathy

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Me too! 'Don't be so sensitive' 'toughen up' 'don't be such a bleeding heart' etc.

The thing about awareness makes sense.

What annoys me is that I worked for over 10 years with disabled children and young people, some had emotional and behavioural problems. I did really well, I got so much praise and approval so I must have been good at it. I loved the job, it was the best job I ever had. If I hadn't had my own baby, I wouldn't have left it.

^^that is not the description of an unempathetic, logical person. That is empathy. With the children/young people, with my colleagues. I cannot be lacking in empathy. I would not do that sort of caring job if I lacked empathy.

How is one to have empathy when one comes from a dysfunctional family?

For example, both my parents, long deceased, came from broken and, what would now be considered, abusive homes.

I'm not sure I understand your question, but its possible to empathize with the fact that your parents were abused without excusing or condoning their behaviors. Empathy isn't the same as forgiveness.

It doesn't mean one lacks empathy.

I think empathy isn't something that anybody lacks. Even psychopaths have some sort of empathy, the type where they know how to exploit their victims no matter how evil it is. And autistic people seem to have the "I care more about others than I do myself" type of empathy. We all have some sort of empathy.

But we can all lack empathy in certain situations, even empaths can. I soak moods and emotions and body language and all of that up like a sponge, and I usually know how to empathise with people, but occasionally a situation arises that I don't quite understand and can't really empathise with. But that is normal. Everyone I have met has at least a few things they will never get, especially if they haven't experienced something for themselves.

And I've learnt, it's OK to not have empathy for everything. Lacking in empathy for one situation doesn't suddenly make one a psychopath or narcissist.

It's like saying a good speller must be able to spell every single word in the dictionary otherwise they aren't a good speller. I'm a good speller but occasionally I'll come across a word where I just can't spell. But I am aware that I can't spell the word, just like if I fail to feel empathy in a situation, I'm aware of it.

I have more empathy for animals than humans, yet when I go fishing I kill fish. I love my children very much who are all adults now, but I can go many months without getting in touch with them. Sometimes I find it difficult to tell if someones upset which can get me into trouble. But when I realise and if its someone very close to me I am very protective of them.

Just a few thoughts

I feel empathy differently for animals than for humans. I don't know why.
I can easily watch gory videos of humans but never, ever gory videos of any animals.

It's very strange. If I see an object being tortured I imagine it as a human, and I freak out and get upset. Or when I went to Krakow, Poland, to visit the Nazi camps I got emotional and thought how awful it must have been for all those people. It broke my heart.

So I do feel crippling empathy for humans as I do animals, but in different ways. I think it's because animals are cute and furry and can't express their feelings in words, and they do what they can to survive more than humans do. I don't know. I'm weird.

I know I have cognitive empathy too. Sometimes I can say things that don't make sense and I don't realise I have said it until the other person laughs and corrects me, but I know I naturally have filters when it comes to sparing people's feelings during everyday conversations so I don't actually ever accidentally hurt someone's feelings (well, very rarely).

I think the last time I remember accidentally hurting someone was years ago at my old job. Person A was originally the supervisor but didn't want to be any more, so Person B, who wanted to become the new supervisor, got promoted for the position. So when I was told this when I first arrived into work one morning (I was in a good mood anyway because I was going on a vacation the next day) I cheered, which made Person A storm off upset. But the reason I had cheered wasn't because I thought Person A was a bad supervisor or anything, it was because I was pleased that they'd both got what they wanted so I was happy for them, not for myself. But from Person A's perspective it looked like I was cheering for a more malicious reason. And I immediately realised how she felt by her body language and the way she'd stormed off.
So in that situation I wasn't lacking empathy, I was actually feeling their joy too much, and impulsively expressed it in a way that was easily misinterpreted. I felt guilty for the rest of the day. I told Person B my intention and she understood and told Person A.

I think one thing that always confuses me whenever people talk about empathy is the whole thing where people say that they can understand or feel what other people are feeling by putting themselves in the other person's position, because that is not at all something I experience.

Like I know logically that if someone experiences something sad, I should say something that sounds comforting or supportive; if they experience something good, I should say something congratulatory; etc, but like I don't actually understand or can relate to the emotions they're experiencing, y'know?

That's why it's so stupid for the world to say 'autistic people lack empathy.' As you say, everyone lacks empathy sometimes. It's just that everyone is empathetic about some things and not others. Lack of empathy is not an autism trait, IMO.

I think saying an appropriate thing is the majority of 'how to get on with people.' Everyone likes to hear something that relates to what they feel at the time. So even if you don't feel their feelings, it's okay just to say something appropriate.

Like Sheldon Cooper was taught to make someone a hot beverage if they are unhappy

I think the stereotype about autistic people lacking empathy is old-fashioned and dumb. I had to deal with people who believe that stereotype, including my own father.

Some Aspies here believe in the myth.

I think I just get wound up whenever I hear about autism and lack of empathy because of the way I see news articles about an NT torturing an autistic child or adult simply because they (the NT) don't understand.
Like the article I read recently about a teacher hung a 4-year-old autistic boy upside down or something like that, because she didn't understand what autism was or something. But not understanding what autism is isn't an excuse to mistreat somebody like that. If she really couldn't cope then she should have got help from another member of staff or arranged a meeting with the boy's parents or something.
I think I recall the article saying something about the teacher thinking he was deliberately being disruptive - even though that's still no excuse to mistreat a child. But the boy was non-verbal, and if anyone has any empathy at all you'd see clearly that something is wrong. An ADHD child may be misinterpreted as being disruptive (if the child is energetic and extroverted), but a non-verbal autistic child is obvious that something is wrong.

And that's not the only time I have heard of an autistic person being mistreated an NT (usually the caregivers in these situations are NTs). Surely if NTs were the ones with all the empathy then they'd know how to deal with different people. But they only see everything through their perspective. Of course not all NTs are like that but it seems common among the NT population.

I can actually tell the difference between a harmless person with a neurological condition and a threat, just by their body language. If a person is shouting in the street because he has Tourette's, I can easily tell that he is not a threat and so I tend not to stare or judge. But I do know a threat when I see one, like if a person looks insane or high on drugs and is intimidating people. That draws attention. But most NTs see everyone with the "wrong body language" as a threat and they have to turn around and stare, even if it's obvious that they are harmless and not a threat.

Another thing that gets me about empathy (this I've probably already mentioned in this thread) is the way NTs are allowed to take things personally and Aspies have to understand that, but if we take things personally then we're being self-centred and lacking in empathy for them. And I don't think anything should justify this double standard, like "they're in the majority so they don't have to understand". That's BS, because autistic people aren't the only minority group they misunderstand. They can even misunderstand each other if they aren't matched with each other, and they can even misunderstand the opposite gender.

The way that teachers and professionals still treat autistic children is very sickening.

What grinds my gears is what I said before:

If person A tells me they are having problems with person B, I sympathise with person A, who I know and who is there at the time with me. I don't go off sympathising with person B, who I don't know and who isn't even there.

Why do people do that? Immediately sympathise with the person they don't know and who isn't even there?

Sorry, I went off on a rant that was tentatively linked to the subject matter! But I suppose it's still related to 'empathy.'

I'm often 'over-sensitive' and was bullied relentlessly for it (among other reasons).
I learned to compartmentalize my empathy, only to get bullied for 'being a psycho'.

Well, which is it?

I agree with you. It's so annoying when you're having trouble with someone in your life and you post about it here and most of the people in the thread take the troubled person's side (I mean "you" as in second person speak).

Or it can sometimes be the total opposite; you have a healthy, close relationship with your parents but you say one quirk or flaw or whatever about them and you get a load of replies saying how toxic your parents are and that you should move as far away from them as possible and that they are abusive narcissists. Mind you, and sorry for being blunt, but it seems a lot of people here have toxic parents who hate them, so it's easy for them to think that everyone's parents are the same. Well I find it insulting if anyone badmouths my parents, because my mum died of cancer and if anyone lets on the tiniest hint that she deserved it then I will not stand for it.

Sorry, went off on a tangent there.