What is wrong with the way autistic people communicate?

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I think NTs tend to think they don't need to be precise or complete because they assume everyone will know what they mean...just as they think they know what other people are thinking. They are only approximately and/or sometimes correct but they think that is good enough because they are not as concerned about precision and correctness as Auties are.

Perhaps it's a combination of sloppiness, laziness, and false assumption.

Perhaps that they are social animals (more so than Auties) misleads them to think that whatever is going on in their own head will also be going on in the heads of the rest of the herd.

Ain't that lack of ToM?

I’m developing a theory about how NT’s communicate. My theory is that hidden emotions are behind all expressed exaggerations. If you want to know how an NT feels about what they are saying, just analyze what is exaggerated and how much.

Unfortunately for me, I'm too slow at analyzing things on the fly, in the moment. So I miss the meaning of the exaggerations until I work it out later (if ever).

I think that maybe they are right to think they know what other people are thinking. Because I think that in a given situation, most NTs really will be thinking the same thing. (Unless there's something emotional going on or some conflict, and then they might think very different things from one another.) That's why people who are different in some way always feel excluded or singled out or frowned on. Because the herd really is homogeneous, so it's notable to stand out.

This is how the whole practice of therapy functions, by assuming that everyone is the same. They give stock advice, because it works most of the time, even though it's terrible for those for whom it's a bad fit. And if you say something about yourself that doesn't fit this tight narrative, then they just don't believe you. (And, maddeningly, they set out to correct your wrong assumptions, instead of realizing they are the ones who are wrong.)

Life isn't always black and white and there are nuances that happen in life. One example is I am told I should never break up over text or email or phone. But what happens if that partner never answers their phone or never is available to meet up because they are always busy and they never return your calls to meet up, should you stay in that relationship then? They are basically trapping you. Now you can't just move on and start dating again or that be cheating. In this scenario I say a breakup over text or email is voice mail is okay if the other person is making it impossible for you. You are not cheating if you consider yourself single and you assumed the person just ghosted you and is no longer in a relationship with you. But people always say you're cheating if you are in a relationship and haven't broken up yet but they don't consider this scenario here.

Another example is my mom explained to me how rules are different everywhere and spelled them out to me. Well I took it literal because she never considered my school scenario where kids act inappropriate and I was doing that behavior there because I thought it was appropriate behavior. I did what was explained to me and I also thought my teacher assigned different rules to each student in my class so I would test them to see if I get in trouble or if I had that special privilege I am assigned. Apparently most kids don't think this way but I did because I was so literal and everything was black and white for me. I noticed how rules didn't always apply to certain students so I thought it was special rules my teacher was handing out to kids and I wanted a special rule too. This was in a self contained classroom BTW. Only solution was to get me out of this class and plus I wasn't getting the education I needed.

It's impossible to make up every scenario that is hypothetical for when a rule wouldn't apply so that is why they say we take things so literal because we don't see the nuance. Like running red lights is illegal, but what do you do if there is an emergency vehicle and they have no way of getting through the intersection because your car is blocking it. Only way to get out of the way is to pull out into the intersection on the side so they can get though. Or what if the light isn't working so it's stuck on red, are you going to just sit there and be trapped for hours until the city comes and fixes it or are you going to time the traffic and watching the movement and figure out when your light would have turned green for you to go. I have been in this scenario once and there was a police officer there watching the intersection so they already knew the light was busted so someone must have already reported it. I am sure there are other scenarios when you can run a red light and this is why I say it's impossible to come up with every scenario for when a rule wouldn't apply.

I don't think NTs usually communicate with the purpose of conveying or exchanging information. They are either trying to make a personal connection by interacting, and the topic is secondary, or they are using the opportunity in order to convey their status or affect other people's emotions, negatively or positively. For instance their purpose might be only to be snide and let someone know that. Or their purpose might be to curry favor by kissing a**. The actual content often gets lost or is only an afterthought.

While I don't like this and would much rather have clear communications that are not exhausting me from having to figure out what people actually mean or why they are talking in the first place, there is a social function in just interacting which is not without merit. (But should be applied more judiciously than hijacking a work conversation that people are actually relying on for the information.)

This is why misunderstandings happen between ASDs and NTs because they assume the same intentions in us because we simply think differently and they assume we are lying when they hear our reason. I call it projection and everyone does it.

This is what I mean. If people are unsure what a word means, look it up in the dictionary. That is what dictionaries are for.

Clear= ADJECTIVE Something that is clear is obvious and impossible to be mistaken about.

And the second bit: people shouldn't assume. They should be able to say, sorry, I don't understand. What do you mean?

It would make life a lot easier.

I used to have a friend who was a police officer. She always said: never assume, never infer. Always observe and stick to the facts.

That's a good point Fnord.

So we can therefore say: people who don't communicate clearly and unambiguously are therefore in the wrong and/or hiding something.

Well that sums up NTs for me tbh. They are always trying to fool me.

I don't get that at all.

I like to:

Say what I mean. Mean what I say. Then move onto more interesting stuff. Instead of faffing around wondering what on earth people are woffling on about.

I always got the idea autistic people were told they were 'too blunt' 'rude' 'too direct' etc. Because we get straight to the point.

I think your colleague sounds more like he's depressed/ stressed/ overworked or something.

I reckon you're overthinking that rather a lot

Also, many people have a lot of narcissistic traits, which are getting worse due to social media now. If people assume everyone is thinking the same as them and no one is any different, that is narcissistic.

Same here, friend. It takes me weeks/months/years to work out what happened in an interaction.

Mainly because it is a boring subject and I've got more interesting things to think about.

Oh! That helps a lot. I didn't know that (the underlined bit)

But I still think people should stick to the dictionary meaning of words. Or what is the point of words? Or dictionaries? I might as well say:

I slapped my banana to my stereo then I threw it on the pig.

Instead of:

I drove my car to my home then I parked it on the drive.

I wonder what NTs would make of that

Edit: I just said the banana sentence to my husband and he actually thought about it before saying 'that doesn't make any sense.'

Whereas I'd just shrug if someone said that to me.

I'm just trying to demonstrate the difference between meaning and communication. The words don't mean what I wrote, obviously, I just made that up. But in the context I imagined they can communicate all that weird extra stuff and the exact same words, in the exact same order can communicate a whole load of other weird stuff in countless different contexts.

I find that amazing. That's all.