Masking vs Learning
04 Sep 2024, 8:12 pm
Edna3362 wrote:
Nivv wrote:
Sorry for bringing up this old topic.
Why is learning considered masking?
Neurotypical kids "can't be themselves" as they learnt about social norms. They understand that they can't run in a resturant, can't behave rudely, etc. Why is this not considered masking? This is against their natural instinct - who they are. What's the difference between the above example as compared to those happening in neurodivergents?
Why is this "masking" not considered growth?
Why is learning considered masking?
Neurotypical kids "can't be themselves" as they learnt about social norms. They understand that they can't run in a resturant, can't behave rudely, etc. Why is this not considered masking? This is against their natural instinct - who they are. What's the difference between the above example as compared to those happening in neurodivergents?
Why is this "masking" not considered growth?
That's because learning social norms in NTs from autistics are different.
To NTs, it's something they had to be convinced of right and wrong. And that's mostly it, really.
Underneath that is subtle cues and reading the room, learning how to react or respond.
Allistic NDs overall learns this way, too -- but there are aspects that will make it difficult for them to interact and learn the cultural norms.
To autistics, it's more like an ever growing list of what and what not to do. Some to a point of fawning and freezing.
Even if we already know what is right or wrong, even if we can read the room; there's still in need for this countless explicit knowledge, trials and errors socializing in learning the cultural norms.
On top of manual learning of social cues -- provided if you also don't have a learning, cognitive, processing, other communication difficulty/disability on top of it.
On top of whatever nuisance emotional processing one had to go through after said trials and errors.
When an NT masks, it's to be subtle or send a message that may convey 'this is what I want to show and what I deny is no one's business unless I'm convinced to let your prying be'.
Masking is more like a navigation and communication tool.
When an autistic masks, usually it's ranging from 'I am lonely please want me' to 'Im not weird, see? Please dont hurt or fire me' along with the fear of being found out. That's probably what some NTs astute enough to see -- or that's how sloppier autistics do.
Nonetheless, masking is more like a bypass, a defense and coping mechanism -- that is not a sign of growth.
When an NT stops people pleasing, it means they're starting to realize the illusion they're living in for real. They'd be freer when they do.
When an autistic stops people pleasing, so does the skills to bypass. And sometimes, it's not voluntary -- dropping the mask due to sheer burnout.
Even if we already know the illusion of social norms and reality itself; many would persists because of fear or self preservation.
Freer, but only started healing.
Though there are rare autistics that do enjoy masking -- likely because they mask to navigate and explore, not to please people and deny themselves.
Thank you for your reply.
I do understand that there are much greater challenges for ND to learn the social norms as compared to NT but I do think that both serve the same purpose: to connect and be included and to adapt to the environment.
So does that mean that because it just takes so much energy to ND to survive in this everchanging and chaotic environment, which makes learning and using of such social skills to be too exhausting and thus we replace the term learning as masking?
I have always have queries on this issue. On one hand, I truely believe that we as ND have to learn about social norms and social interaction skills, but on the other hand NT also have to learn about our communication style given our difference in neurological wiring. However, with the rise of the term masking, it seems that people are overusing this term as an explanation, or even excuse for inappropriate/rude behavior and not improving themselves.
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04 Sep 2024, 9:49 pm
Nivv wrote:
Edna3362 wrote:
Nivv wrote:
Sorry for bringing up this old topic.
Why is learning considered masking?
Neurotypical kids "can't be themselves" as they learnt about social norms. They understand that they can't run in a resturant, can't behave rudely, etc. Why is this not considered masking? This is against their natural instinct - who they are. What's the difference between the above example as compared to those happening in neurodivergents?
Why is this "masking" not considered growth?
Why is learning considered masking?
Neurotypical kids "can't be themselves" as they learnt about social norms. They understand that they can't run in a resturant, can't behave rudely, etc. Why is this not considered masking? This is against their natural instinct - who they are. What's the difference between the above example as compared to those happening in neurodivergents?
Why is this "masking" not considered growth?
That's because learning social norms in NTs from autistics are different.
To NTs, it's something they had to be convinced of right and wrong. And that's mostly it, really.
Underneath that is subtle cues and reading the room, learning how to react or respond.
Allistic NDs overall learns this way, too -- but there are aspects that will make it difficult for them to interact and learn the cultural norms.
To autistics, it's more like an ever growing list of what and what not to do. Some to a point of fawning and freezing.
Even if we already know what is right or wrong, even if we can read the room; there's still in need for this countless explicit knowledge, trials and errors socializing in learning the cultural norms.
On top of manual learning of social cues -- provided if you also don't have a learning, cognitive, processing, other communication difficulty/disability on top of it.
On top of whatever nuisance emotional processing one had to go through after said trials and errors.
When an NT masks, it's to be subtle or send a message that may convey 'this is what I want to show and what I deny is no one's business unless I'm convinced to let your prying be'.
Masking is more like a navigation and communication tool.
When an autistic masks, usually it's ranging from 'I am lonely please want me' to 'Im not weird, see? Please dont hurt or fire me' along with the fear of being found out. That's probably what some NTs astute enough to see -- or that's how sloppier autistics do.
Nonetheless, masking is more like a bypass, a defense and coping mechanism -- that is not a sign of growth.
When an NT stops people pleasing, it means they're starting to realize the illusion they're living in for real. They'd be freer when they do.
When an autistic stops people pleasing, so does the skills to bypass. And sometimes, it's not voluntary -- dropping the mask due to sheer burnout.
Even if we already know the illusion of social norms and reality itself; many would persists because of fear or self preservation.
Freer, but only started healing.
Though there are rare autistics that do enjoy masking -- likely because they mask to navigate and explore, not to please people and deny themselves.
Thank you for your reply.
I do understand that there are much greater challenges for ND to learn the social norms as compared to NT but I do think that both serve the same purpose: to connect and be included and to adapt to the environment.
So does that mean that because it just takes so much energy to ND to survive in this everchanging and chaotic environment, which makes learning and using of such social skills to be too exhausting and thus we replace the term learning as masking?
I have always have queries on this issue. On one hand, I truely believe that we as ND have to learn about social norms and social interaction skills, but on the other hand NT also have to learn about our communication style given our difference in neurological wiring. However, with the rise of the term masking, it seems that people are overusing this term as an explanation, or even excuse for inappropriate/rude behavior and not improving themselves.
I don't see masking as something positive or negative.
It's only negative if your choices around it are forced, stifled or endanger you because of it.
Yeah, those who cannot mask has 'less choices'.
But those who are forced to mask their whole lives and disregarding their needs and limitations for the sake of pleasing those around them is basically living with another full time job that does not exactly guarantee to pay -- I don't see them as someone any 'better'.
Most of the masking comes with working against the autistic traits -- which is not something NTs do.
NTs suppresses their likes and dislikes, and some out of place thoughts and feelings accordingly. They don't have the executive dysfunction to work harder for it.
They people please to get what they want this includes getting away with crap.
Autistics do more than just suppress likes and dislikes.
They suppress their needs, their thoughts, the ways they self regulate and keep themselves balanced, ignore their confusion, pain and overwhelm within the environment, and is more or less running blind at least half the time while feeling very uncertain.
They people please to ensure that they're and perceived to be safe. This includes the intent to get included, connect and get what they need.
Do NTs feel that constant uncertainty or said uncertainty is their motivation to mask? No.
Masking starts with them when they feel rewarded, have the attention and interactions on them, the certainty that they influence one or the other.
And not many autistics tolerate uncertainty, and some would thought masking is something safe.
Masking starts when they're bullied, feeling envious, lonely. Not a lot enjoy the prospect of influencing one or the other that feels like a lie, really.
Thus you'd get plenty of late diagnosed high achieving autistics with imposter syndrome instead of someone who feels happy like the OP apparently.
And when an NT feels imposter syndrome, it's because of how people treated them bad enough -- usually their family during childhood.
Or something relative to their social status; their gender, age, nationality... Sure they may feel out of place to whatever they gotten themselves into, but not because they feel like they're lying (though they could be), but because they felt misunderstood and benefit from the misunderstanding.
Thus masking doesn't feel like growth in plenty of ND cases, but more like a burden -- a price to pay than something that will grow as a part of them like any skills and change should be.
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