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How Oblivious Are You?

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blitzkrieg
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02 Oct 2023, 1:18 pm

KitLily wrote:
blitzkrieg wrote:
I am the same, KityLily. I just get on with it & do my own thing, also. :star:


Yes. This is always the pattern when I start a new job/ join a new group:

At first the people are welcoming to me. Then I somehow do or say something wrong and they start whispering in corners, baiting me, snapping at me. I have no idea why so I just get on with my work. Then the people who were whispering etc. seem to realise that I'm not playing their game and it all peters out. Some start being polite to me again. I am oblivious to what the problem was, I just know that 'something' was up with them.


I know what you mean about knowing 'something' is up, but not what, specifically.

People are difficult for autistic people to deal with, never mind vice versa. :skull:



Weight Of Memory
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02 Oct 2023, 2:42 pm

blitzkrieg wrote:
What a lot of NT's don't realise is that autistic folk of all kinds often just want to get on with their work, as you point out.


I had a job interview a decade ago where my prospective manager asked what I expected out of her if I was hired (that was the gist of it at least). My answer was to the effect of: give me clear instructions on what to so, be open to questions, and give me feedback on how I'm doing.

She seemed surprised by that answer. "...that's it?" I'm not sure what answer she expected.

Something similar happened at my current job last year. Two coworkers were venting their displeasure about how things were being run. One of them asked me what I wanted changed. "I want to be left alone to do my work."



KitLily
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02 Oct 2023, 3:09 pm

blitzkrieg wrote:
I know what you mean about knowing 'something' is up, but not what, specifically.

People are difficult for autistic people to deal with, never mind vice versa. :skull:


Yes, the older I get the less I care about them tbh. I just get on with my work or whatever.

It was like this when I had a baby and joined the mum/baby groups. At first everyone was nice. Then they decided I'd done something wrong and the whispering and excluding happened. But this time they never got over it and I was excluded permanently. Which is unkind to a woman with a baby who has no support from friends and family. It was very, very lonely. I learned a lot about people and women in particular at that time.


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KitLily
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02 Oct 2023, 3:11 pm

Weight Of Memory wrote:
I had a job interview a decade ago where my prospective manager asked what I expected out of her if I was hired (that was the gist of it at least). My answer was to the effect of: give me clear instructions on what to so, be open to questions, and give me feedback on how I'm doing.

She seemed surprised by that answer. "...that's it?" I'm not sure what answer she expected.


Yes that is really weird. What else would people want? Maybe she was a new manager and didn't know what people wanted. Odd though.


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blitzkrieg
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02 Oct 2023, 4:05 pm

KitLily wrote:
blitzkrieg wrote:
I know what you mean about knowing 'something' is up, but not what, specifically.

People are difficult for autistic people to deal with, never mind vice versa. :skull:


Yes, the older I get the less I care about them tbh. I just get on with my work or whatever.

It was like this when I had a baby and joined the mum/baby groups. At first everyone was nice. Then they decided I'd done something wrong and the whispering and excluding happened. But this time they never got over it and I was excluded permanently. Which is unkind to a woman with a baby who has no support from friends and family. It was very, very lonely. I learned a lot about people and women in particular at that time.


That sounds like a very difficult situation to have dealt with, KitLily. I am sorry you had to go through that. :|



KitLily
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03 Oct 2023, 2:26 am

blitzkrieg wrote:
KitLily wrote:
It was like this when I had a baby and joined the mum/baby groups. At first everyone was nice. Then they decided I'd done something wrong and the whispering and excluding happened. But this time they never got over it and I was excluded permanently. Which is unkind to a woman with a baby who has no support from friends and family. It was very, very lonely. I learned a lot about people and women in particular at that time.


That sounds like a very difficult situation to have dealt with, KitLily. I am sorry you had to go through that. :|


Thanks, it was. Especially as our daughter was seriously ill aged 2-7 years old, we were constantly rushing her to hospital and we had no support. My mum lived nearby but she just used to shout at her sick granddaughter so I stopped asking my mum for help.


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03 Oct 2023, 6:33 pm

When I was in university, I thought a friend of mine was saying I was stupid or immature when she'd laugh at me saying “Oh, you’re so naive.”

Since my recent diagnosis, I’ve realized that she meant I was oblivious to how others react to eccentrics who remain open and curious (typical for many artists), and doesn’t lie or manipulate others. I was especially oblivious to how many of my friends were actually frenemies.



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03 Oct 2023, 10:03 pm

Apparently fairly oblivious. my longest time friend (40+ years), frequently becomes upset after I say something, and I really can't grasp what could have caused it. My late wife would get upset and start dropping hints when she had a new item of clothing, new glasses, hairdo, etc. People tell me afterward that someone was "checking me out", or glaring at me, etc. when I saw nothing.
Apparently it's only socially though. Change the lighting, temperature, sound, etc and I'll notice even if no one else does.


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KitLily
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04 Oct 2023, 3:57 am

DH Rider wrote:
Since my recent diagnosis, I’ve realized that she meant I was oblivious to how others react to eccentrics who remain open and curious (typical for many artists), and doesn’t lie or manipulate others. I was especially oblivious to how many of my friends were actually frenemies.


Oh I hope we artistic, creative types remain open and curious! How awful it would be to lose that trait. And even though my straightforwardness gets me into trouble, I'd rather not lie and manipulate others.


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KitLily
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04 Oct 2023, 4:00 am

Campingbare wrote:
Apparently fairly oblivious. my longest time friend (40+ years), frequently becomes upset after I say something, and I really can't grasp what could have caused it. My late wife would get upset and start dropping hints when she had a new item of clothing, new glasses, hairdo, etc. People tell me afterward that someone was "checking me out", or glaring at me, etc. when I saw nothing.
Apparently it's only socially though. Change the lighting, temperature, sound, etc and I'll notice even if no one else does.


Same here. Exactly. I've no idea what I say that upsets people. Probably pointing out stark truths? My husband also has to point out when he changes his appearance. He doesn't mind so much as a wife would though, if I don't notice he's had his hair cut.

I never, ever notice if women have a new anything, because I am really not interested in women and can barely tell them apart. Which isn't good when I want to make friends! :lol:

And the lighting, temperature, sound etc. affect me big time too! Can't bear anything uncomfortable in the environment, but most people don't notice such things, as you say.


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04 Oct 2023, 5:00 am

KitLily wrote:
Not really a serious thread but I wondered what sort of things and what sort of situations are you oblivious to? Probably connected to your autism.

Personally I am oblivious to why anyone is annoyed with me. I can't remember what I said and did longer than a few days ago, so if someone is annoyed with me, I generally don't notice unless they say clearly: 'I am annoyed with you because you said XYZ on (date).' But of course people rarely do that so I'm usually in a haze of confusion.

Also oblivious to people's new clothes, hairstyles, what they are eating and drinking but of course those don't arise online :lol:


Hi: your thread is serious and useful instead.

We don't have the fear of mind for what we don't understand.

The thread is useful, and intelligent.
Also write:
“I am also oblivious to new clothes, hairstyles, what people eat and drink, but of course these don't show up online!”

The same thing happens to me.

Small detail.
I am Italian.

And here everyone pays close attention to these details.

Ok I dress well.

And for example, cities like Milan dictate the law for international fashion.

I see super models and super models even on the subway.

People rarely look at them, no one looks at the other person, except to understand where to position themselves, you never know there are too many foreigners, some may represent a danger.

They say: make your eyes move quickly.

In other words: look quickly to understand who you have close to you.

I noticed that many girls do this.

They choose the place and change it to be alone.

You have to relate to it in the right way.

I generally don't say anything.

So I'm not wrong.
You also address the topic of non-verbal communication.

The thread is worthy of importance, a lot.


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Huckleberry Finn
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04 Oct 2023, 5:02 am

DuckHairback wrote:
Who knows how much i'm oblivious to... I'm oblivious to it.

That said there have been multiple times when people have just exploded in anger at me - or so it seemed. Other people told me later that they could see I was annoying that person and I just wasn't picking up on it so to me it felt like just random anger.

When I was younger I never noticed when girls liked me. I just didn't get the signals even when they were quite obvious.

I don't think I notice generally when people like me. I tend to assume that they don't.


We are unaware of some things because we don't understand them.

<>

A passage from your response struck me.

The same happened to me.

Several girls liked me.

But one in particular had taken a liking to me.

The funny thing was that we looked at each other and she turned around and we smiled at each other.

Ahem!

This is for three years of school!

Everyone understood it, except... me!

She had to tell me explicitly in the third year of school.

She was beautiful, green-eyed, blonde, and intelligent, beyond particular.
<>

I was the only one who had a classmate who chose to sit next to me.

The strange thing is that I never looked into whether she had an attraction for me, nor did she, so she also remained for three years of school on the course, like an unknown.

Even my other important girlfriends had to tell me explicitly.

I didn't understand anything unless it was told to me explicitly.


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Huckleberry Finn
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04 Oct 2023, 5:40 am


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rse92
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04 Oct 2023, 9:19 am

On September 11, 2001, at 8:46 AM, I was sitting in my office on the 14th floor at 175 Broadway, one block from the World Trade Center in NYC. Two minutes later one of my law partners came into to office and asked “did you hear that?” I said no, what did you hear? He said it was a huge explosion. It turns out I was so involved in my work I did not hear a jet airplane hit the South Tower of the WTC one block away.

I can be extremely oblivious.



KitLily
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04 Oct 2023, 9:41 am

rse92 wrote:
On September 11, 2001, at 8:46 AM, I was sitting in my office on the 14th floor at 175 Broadway, one block from the World Trade Center in NYC. Two minutes later one of my law partners came into to office and asked “did you hear that?” I said no, what did you hear? He said it was a huge explosion. It turns out I was so involved in my work I did not hear a jet airplane hit the South Tower of the WTC one block away.

I can be extremely oblivious.


Wow, yes that is oblivious. But to be fair, New York must be incredibly noisy and busy and you get used to the constant hubbub.


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KitLily
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04 Oct 2023, 9:46 am

Huckleberry Finn wrote:
In other words: look quickly to understand who you have close to you.

I noticed that many girls do this.

They choose the place and change it to be alone.


Yes now that is sensible. I try always to see who is around me when I'm out walking. I try to tell my daughter to always be aware of who is around her too.

A man accosted her on the bus, he wanted to use her phone to call his girlfriend (allegedly) My daughter was too nervous to refuse him. She said she thought he had learning disabilities but he still shouldn't take a young girl's phone. It's not right- what if he stole it/ made an expensive call/ or maybe it was a lie and he wanted to hurt her?

So I told her to:
1. Sit facing the bus door (so she knows who is coming at her) Don't turn her back on the door.
2. Hide her phone (so people don't try to use it)
3. Say 'my dad said I mustn't let anyone use my phone' (to scare people off. If they think a big strong dad is going to come after them, they might be scared)


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