I have serious problems...anyone else going through this?

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Do you really think I sound cool? Thanks

My mom is a good person. Although she hates violence and life risking activities and doesn't agree with some of my interests (samurais, swords, kenjutsu), she's trying to be tolerant.

The real problem is my dad, he is extremely untolerant. I hope he doesn't make explode, because I don't have time for being in jail.

I'm also 19, living with my parents. I wouldn't say that I'm afraid of responsibility (though there's plenty of other things that I AM afraid of) It's just that I get nothing out of responsibility. Maybe some people get a sense of achievement out of becoming an adult and being a 'contributing member of society' but all I see is assimilation, people being manipulated into mirroring a societal ideal, regardless of what they really want. But I look inside myself and I find that I want nothing, I have no deisre or ambition, but I know that I don't want a high profile job where I get to order other people around, I don't want a large home to shelter a partner and some whiny f**king kids, I don't want recognition, I hate being seen. I don't want riches, if I were given a fortune, I'd have nothing to spend it on, all I could do would be to idly upgrade my posessions to the latest and greatest, all the while feeling unfulfilled because I just don't need more, I don't need better. The things I have now all serve their purpose perfectly well.
What business does a guy with no wants or ambition have in a place like this?
At least you seem to have a penchant for learning new things. Compulsory education stopped at 16 and I would've thrown the towel in sooner had it been up to me. I have no need for learning, what would I do with a degree in business management or English literature or whatever else you can do a degree in? None of it means a damn thing to me. I might as well memorise a detailed diagram of the digestive system of a yak for all the good it'd do me. I can't feign interest in these things, I can't find motivation to take a course. But that's all anyone can offer, education. You go to anywhere for help and all it comes down to is trying to fit you back into society, get you educated so you can fill a job vacancy and decrease unemployment by 0.0000000001%, one step close to a target, a number. When they see that I've got no reason to fit, they think that I'm the problem, or maybe that I do want to fit but I just need help finding someplace suitable. No one believes me when I say that there's nothing that I really want. I mean, I know I want to be happy, who doesn't? By it's very definition happiness is something I'd enjoy. The road there, well, the transport budget sure ain't keeping that in good condition, nothing but signs saying 'yield', 'stop' and 'mini round-about ahead' on my road. I hate mini round-abouts. And the sound of the pneumatic drill is driving me crazy.
When people try to tell me what to do, I get angry, just like you, but I can't express it. You lash out, but these feelings get stuck in me, I can't do anything with them. They sit there and they f**k around with me and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. I can't shut away the thoughts of consequences, they are with me constantly. I have to sit there and calm down and logically weave my way through peoples demands however unreasonable they could be. Luckily, since I left school, I've had much more control. So these things aren't so much of a problem anymore, but in the past these things imbalanced something inside of me, that imbalance remains and it eats away at me.
I can't deal with rules, because what gives someone the right to command me? In all fairness, if they can tell me what to do, I should be able to tell them what to do? I'm fine with reasonable, logical rules of our society. Don't kill, don't steal, don't kick people in the groin for your own amusement, that sort of thing. But there are places that you are obligated to spend time in, by law which have nonsense rules. School being yet another example. One anachronistic old hag we had as a teacher would confront students if they were to cough and demand that they put a stop to it, as if they could control it. She considered it rude or something. This is the 21st century people! How someone like that is granted power over me is beyond my uderstanding. How am I supposed to react to being told that my elders know what's best for me when they clearly don't have two brain cells to rub together. I'm supposed to model myself on these people? Take their examples? I couldn't take it! And do you know what I did? When I couldn't take anymore and I just had to let it out, do you know what I F**KING DID? I did nothing. That's right, nothing. You know why? Because I'm a frigging idiot, that's why. I was too bound my feelings to lash out. I was too afraid that if I stood up and told the world what I think, if I could tell them that I found their control unacceptable, that everybody would force me to comply and I'd have made things worse for myself. I was afraid that if I spoke out, I'd stutter and my words wouldn't come out right and I'd make a fool of myself, demoralised in seconds by the glaring, judging eyes of others.
And the irony of this folks, is that I'm censoring my f**ks, as if I'm condoning the nonsense notion that a word can be offensive and 'wrong'. As if I haven't learned anything from all this. But you know what, it isn't about learning. I always knew it all, but from the beginning I'm taught that what I think doesn't matter, it doesn't matter what I say, because it won't change anything, no one wants to listen. I don't like the system? Hey, I should just 'grow up', that's it right? That's the universal answer to all of life's problems? Just gotta keep going until you've listenened to their sh*t long enough that you blindly believe it, that's what growing up is all about, imitating them. Say a word against the system and you're just a childish rebel without a cause looking for attention, that's what they'd all think. Because they think that I'm as petty and simple as they are.
I've been programmed the same way as every one else, but I'm not running on the same hardware, it's had a different effect on me. They didn't think they'd have to read the f**king manual.
Can't they see it's all about me? This doesn't work for me so I want it changed, no I won't compromise. I don't care what you all think or feel, because it's all about me. You want me to care about my place in the world, my relationship with others, my part, my place in the team????? I don't care about you. I can't care about you and I can't help it. I can't force it. That's probably why I don't want anything in this world. Because when it comes down to it, most people want love, companionship, friends, they feel that if they care about someone and want to look after someone or protect them, it gives them purpose, it justifies their life, they base their world around other people. And you know what? It does justify their existance, it does make it all worthwile. But I can't feel that, because I don't have that connection with people. That's why no matter how much I have in this world, I'll never be happy, because I'll never have the most important thing in life, that connection with other people. Perhaps people can find justification of life through other things, a hobby, an obsession, a pet, hell, I don't know. But I don't feel much for anything, but me. And it feels pretty empty to live life for the sole purpose of keeping oneself alive.

But is all this that I'm saying correct? I rant and come to different conclusions everytime, I'm getting nowhere, I'm changing nothing. Endless loop. I focus on one thing without realising, my output is influenced, I neglect something, my output is influenced, I miss one link in a endless chain and it's all void. Are my feelings even valid if they're based in my mind, considering that I can't trace a feeling back to cause, I can't see the why. I look inside and my feelings are buried, I'm denied access to them, they're nonsense to me. I only see their manifestations in my actions and thoughts. I feel the reasons for everything I do are there, buried, but I don't see them, so I can't communicate them easily. I can't see them or touch them. My feelings are not a part of me, they are a seperate thing entirely, like an invisible driving force that more often than not, fails to drive, let alone force. Because they are not a part of me, what they tell me to do doesn't even make sense to me. There's no explanation, it's not connected. I'm just expected to blindly follow, yet again. You may have guessed that I don't believe in a higher power. Even if there was a God, I wouldn't even consider it a higher power. As far as I'm concerned, everything is on the same level. You are what you are, there's no choice here people, you aren't better because your are capable of more. You may be more important in many ways, but not 'better'.

Everytime I think about all these things my mind seizes up, as though something is physically crippling my brain power to prevent me from understanding anything. To get anywhere, you gotta take it all into account. Infinity is bigger than you expect. Something opened my mind up today so I could write all this crap. I just wish I could believe that it meant something, that I wrote it for a reason. But I know that any reason in this world is inside us, we make the reason. It's all in our minds. Without us there is no reason. We make reasons, we justify things. But that's never been enough for me.

Do I want to have absolute power? Do I want to be some sort of a deity? I really don't think I'd be satisfied with being anything less than the universe, inifinity and anything that may be beyond those, I want it all and I want to re-build it, reform it to perfection, because nothing else makes sense to me. Hmmm, I wonder how I could achieve that. Anyone wanna lend me 5 bucks?

And now, curious readers, you've finally came to the end of another chapter of the ongoing saga from the only one who matters down here. So de-slack that jaw, wipe away that drool and be content in the knowledge that you killed time with the best of them, not long left now people, enjoy it while you can. Until we meet again.

Apologies for smearing my brain-excrement over your monitors. I'm terribly sorry.

No problem, Ignition-Condition (hope I got that right...)

... I can sure relate to your feelings and thoughts! Man... "our world" and "their world" just don't understand each other, do they?

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.... but they get along and communicate a whole lot better than Aspies and Norms!

I'm also 19 and also live with my mother. I am so glad I can talk to my shrink tomorrow and tell him to give me a leetter explaining that for my mental health I need to be away from her, and I'll ahve the YMCA room tranferred to my name since my mother is leaving anyway, and Social Services will pay my rent! My stupid mother is getting too ahead of herself, trying to get me to plan my whole life now! UGH! I am SO sick of it! I'm sick of HER!


You need to get out of there! I know this won't do much to cheer you guys up right now, but check out the commune thread in the Random Discussion forum... pleeeease!

Gosh, can I relate, some people said some amazing things. Emotions really do get the best of me most times.

ForestKnight,

Don't be so hard on yourself. Uh 19 isn't old for an Aspie to live with parents especially since the NT's are living with theirs well into their 20's. Its when one is in their late 30's or beyond that it starts getting worrisome or if they won't leave the house for ANYTHING. I lived at home till I was almost 28. Then I got a wild hair and move 2000 miles away. And almost 9 years later am still 2000 miles away (though I do go back and visit them).

I also had a bad temper, still do at times. But realize people can grow out of anger. I did once get into a brawl with my stepmom and have never gotten physical with anyone since. I think it does help if the Aspie can even acknowledge to themselves that hey they got a problem with anger and they need to learn to control that and learn to behave appropriately at all times.

You mentioned jujitsu. That brings to mind a couple things. When I studied taekwondo, despite it being promoted for developing respect and ridding oneself of violence, it actually made me more angry. Perhaps it has a reverse effect on Aspies than NT's? But jujitsu like most other martial arts does teach one should should not provoke fights. So perhaps you need to take a closer look at those life lessons that the martial arts does offer and see where you have detoured from that path. Just acknowledge you have things you are not happy about with yourself and then go to work on those items. Just admitting to yourself that you have a problem can be a powerful tool in eliminating that problem.

Just remember you are not alone in your problem. Is very common among autistics in general. And we do take a little longer to mature it seems. Also work on becoming self sufficient. I can tell you I have grown up tremendously since living on my own. Even my parents are astonished. Just don't ever give up. Keep striving each day to do better and to learn something new every day and try to accomplish something positive each day and it will all add up in the long run.

I'm not like that personally but I have been told I have a mind much more advanced in my years and I'm 21 years old and yes I still live with my parents. It's cheaper!