How Do You Know You Are Autistic?

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I actually have this all written out on a note card in my notebook. Here goes:

1. Aversion to eye contact
2. Aversion to loud noises
3. Difficulty or inability to have a conversation
4. Difficulty or inability to end a conversation
5. Aversion to touch/hyper awareness of personal space
6. Enjoy being alone
7. Intense, focused interests
8. Enjoy precisely lining up and looking at my collections and precisely lining up the bins at work
9. Oblivious to social cues
10. Only want to talk about my interests
11. Inability to “put myself in others’ shoes”
12. Don’t understand the concept of other people liking me.
13. Aversion or fear of social interaction
14. Terrified of calling someone on the phone
15. Terrified of asking a salesperson for help
16. Need directness, no nuance, hints, cryptic words etc…
17. Difficulty multitasking
18. Easily distracted/hard to get back on task
19. Need order, structure, clear rules and expectations
20. Often don’t get jokes and don’t understand when or why I am being made fun of.

There’s probably more that I don’t see yet. These are just words in a list, but putting them together in my lived experience makes up who I am.

Before I was assessed, I just knew I'm different at age 8. But no labels; I'm outside the USA, not even in the capital region and it was the 2000s.
If it weren't for the pent up unwanted negative emotions at age 6, I would've not only just embrace the fact but double down it.

Before I was assessed I already have that label at the age 10.
I didn't understand why because no one mentioned that there is such thing as autism with low IQ and high support needs.

And I'm probably the first person in my city who is officially diagnosed with Aspergers. That was 4+ years after, and because I cannot seem to outgrow the unwanted emotionality.

But if I look at the label, compare it to other autistics -- it's more like I'm a so-called HFA that can pass for an aspie.


And if I look at my experiences and circumstances, I can relate to many daily living experiences related to the senses and the mind.

That yes, this is not how people perceived it. That yes, super focus is my default.
That yes, I'm just as literal. That yes, I'm as easily stressed or burnt out.
That yes, things that can bother me yet others don't and vice versa... That yes, I wanted order and everything to make sense.

That yes, I'm neurodivergent.


But not related to emotions and socialization which was more often talked about -- despite having the same starting point or symptoms, I have a very different reaction, different choices, different approaches, different priorities...

Like; most autistics feel lonely, wanting a friend, wanting to be included, etc. I don't -- I want to be free and I see certain forms of inclusion as restricting.
Like they have to accept they're different, have limitations, etc. I never need to do that, I want to stand out more, I want to do way better.

That no, I don't mask and associate passing as safe.
That no, I don't feel humiliated playing clown because I can turn over the whole thing.
That no, while every social learning to me is just as manual -- I have a very different take of what being social means.

That, no, I'm not mentally ill in reaction to neurodivergence.

And the closest thing I had for mental illness even had nothing to do with me being autistic.


While I have no doubts that I'm diagnosed correctly...
... I'd probably fail to self diagnose if I wasn't.

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