I'm 37 and undiagnosed. Terrible lifelong issues with "lack of common sense"; despite having done well school (and coasted with very good scores in college based on my good rote memory and testing skills -- I have a summa cum laude degree in anthropology, but was too apprehensive about change to even apply to graduate school 14 years ago), I've never really been financially independent of my parents. While not always wholly isolated, I have a very great deal of difficulty holding friends beyond long-term and keeping jobs past about two and a half years. For the past three years, I have been stumbling along trying to make a living moving from temp assignment to temp assignment as an office worker -- due to massive layoffs in some large-employer industries in Orlando over the past several years, this lifestyle has become extremely competitive for underemployed mid-skilled non-managerial types.
I *have* felt the lifelong sense of alienation from others. Never much bullied per se, but outside some very cherished periods of nearly-fitting-in, I have a social anxiety co-morbidity complicating my ability to cope socially outside small groups of people with whom I miraculously get comfortable. I've had some hugely frustrating and esteem-eroding experiences: a failed attempt to be an exchange student (came home early after six months), a three year relationship with a depressive alcoholic whom my parents also supported, several years living in an unsafe, unhealthy house with a disintegrating roof (no exaggeration here: I remained in this house until it was condemned, amidst mold and broken ceiling drywall, all because I couldn't bring myself to contract with anyone to get it fixed and in the latter year, because I was terrified for anyone to know how I was living). I HAVE PRONOUNCED EXECUTIVE FUNCTION DEFECITS. (Capslock due to current emotional stress - read on)
Growing up in the 1970s, I was charming to teachers, who failed to notice the depth of my difficulties relating to my peer group. I can recall once at around age 10 or 11 actually wondering if I was autistic in some way, but none of the adults in my world ever considered that I was anything other than a smart, verbally adept, difficult/eccentric/lazy/nerdy girl. My mother is a patient saint and possibly the most wonderful person in my world, but she is not an analytical soul and has great power to subtract out many negative aspects of what she sees. My dad... possibly is somewhere on the spectrum. He was the product of a home life which I suspect had *some* abuse issues. He has some usually-mild mean instincts and some social deficits of his own. He and I have generally clashed during much of my life. Although on some levels he recognizes that I am unusual and not wired like typical people (certainly not like my NT brother), much of him has always defensively attributed this to my just being lazy and a moocher. Possibly this has been borne of a protective instinct toward my mother -- I freely acknowledge that I have some unpleasant emotional lack-of-coping quirks. I have recently moved back in with my parents after 17 years of living on my own or with the deadbeat pseudo-boyfriend mentioned earlier. My financial situation and my inability to effectively seek out stable work suitable to my personality have forced me out of the room I rented with a domineering but fairly compatible roommate. She was having financial difficulties herself, and I could no longer contribute to her difficulties by failing to make rent.
Trouble: my father has early-onset Alzheimer's and his mean tendencies are coming to the fore. Atop his frustration with his own deterioration, he hates my living with them. He is jealous of the time I spend with my mother. More and more frequently, these various frustrations are feeding on each other and he becomes verbally abusive toward me. I can't effectively meet his emotional needs; I am depressed enough lately to feel paralysed about working again; I am trying to process a mountain of guilt over my failure to cope. On top of this, my father with some regularity calls me a parasite and a bad person. When he even *can* remember the orientations my mom has been trying to give him that "we're starting to suspect that N's problems she's been having are because she's autistic -- you need to understand that there are a million different ways to be autistic; it's not like RainMan," even on those remembering occasions, he gets frustrated and mean and implies that I'm either defective or just making excuses, and that's why I'm uselessly mooching off him and my mother and "wrecking" the place getting my pulled-out hair everywhere.
I'm typing tonight because he did this to me today about 8 hours ago (he was stressing about other things, and he chose(?) to deal with that by attacking me). I had a HUGE meltdown, with quiet sobbing and a lot of escalating stimming which culminated in a 20 minute head-banging session. I haven't acted out against myself in years, not since the horrible Deadbeat Pseudo-boyfriend years. It has taken me hours to fully calm down about it. Although I am finally on a more even keel at the moment, I recall from past experience that I am going to be raw for weeks now. When my dad does this to me, against my better logic, I completely buy into his nasty accusations. I have the full cognition that he is attacking me based on huge emotional and cognitive deficits of his own now, but what he says is very similar to attacks he made on me before I moved out to go to college. I feel very afraid at times that the most horrible things he implies are true. I *know* that my behavior was outwardly rather bratty as a child and still sometimes veers close to brattiness now. I *know* that my presence causes additional stress on both of my parents. I *know* that there is some additional financial burden right now because I haven't got any employment. I have difficulty allowing myself to recall my genuine deficits as something I have tried again and again to overcome on my own. For many years, I kept believing that there was just something I wasn't doing right to make myself normal. I've worried and worried that I was just too damn lazy or stupid to figure out what this "something" is.
WARNING: disconnected, out-of-sequence paragraph follows -- cut/paste doesn't work on this forum? bwuh?
Now that I have been thinking a lot about the likelihood that I fall on the spectrum somewhere, I have noticed in the past several days that I stim almost constantly. These are all fairly non-disruptive mannerisms: pen, straw and cup chewing, leg bouncing and foot tapping, hand-combing through my hair, humming pen-clicking, yada yada yada. When I first began to suspect an ASD, I dismissed stimming as something I didn't present strongly. Monitoring my own behavior has been both distressing and a revelation -- by this late date, I barely noticed most of my mannerisms. I still cling to a belief that I don't strongly present the aversion to eye control; recognizing the stimming, I am wondering whether I misread myself in this aspect as well. I know that I do sometimes notice an aversion. I do know that I have the stereotypical round-shouldered posture something FIERCE, despite many attempts to self-modify that in the past. Definitely hunchy and walk with my face to the ground about half the time. When self-conscious, my gait gets either weirdly bouncy or heel-draggy, but this isn't a 24/7 condition. My sensory integration difficulties seem to be genuinely rather mild and do not often present me any problems. I correct people compulsively; I deeply question people about their beliefs and opinions. Both of these traits have always caused me strong interpersonal difficulties.
Grrr.. losing my train of thought now, through mental fatigue. Not sure why this long post has come out of me -- perhaps confessional, perhaps this has been a substitute stim helping me to get down from my horrible meltdown earlier. I can just say that I am afraid to go through the diagnostic process and be told that I do not have AS. I am equally afraid of what unexpected consequences might come flying out of me later if I do get the diagnosis. I feel as though I need it. I am afraid of either outcome.
Many things in my world manifestly suck right now. Uhm. Thanks for reading!
26 Sep 2007, 7:22 pm
