Friendship and Aspergers?

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lol, sadly that is how I find out. Really, it is the only way though. If you are interested in finding out immediately, then it must be asked immediately. There are so many times I do not initiate a conversation, and it never winds up going anywhere. The other person always wants to do small talk, and I'm more of a "I'd like to climb inside your head and find out whether or not you are interesting" type of person before indulging in a lengthy conversation.

Yeah, well for me it would just make it even more awkward I need a shirt that tells people to have mercy on me and guide the conversation in easy ways



I've got an appointment with a Psychologist (I think it's a psychologist) for next month-the 13th I think. My mom goes in some time before that (which apparently was supposed to be kept a secret from me...weird.)

So I've got no idea how this is going to go. He's located in Peoria, and supposedly has a couple of adult Asperger's patients, so he hopefully knows something about it. I've done nothing so far to prepare for this

Wolfpup - I think it was discussed in your other thread, but just be sure to bring specific examples of why you think you have AS. I actually printed out the DSM and gave examples for each piece on the list from my own life. I forgot that on my last appointment with my psychologist, but I'm bringing it along next time.

I forgot all about Peoria. Stands to reason the doctor would be there. Bigger town, I think. Hopefully since your doctor has some adult AS patients, he'll be more informed than most I've heard of. I'm not sure why he'd have your mom go first and not tell you but maybe that's just his way. A lot of people on the board have said that they come along during the regular appointment.

I want friends, but it is hard to make them and when I do..I often feel smothered by them or have nothing to talk about with them.....instead I have friendly acquaintances...and what I usually do if I like someone is give them something...like an article of clothing or something..it is easy since I am a hoarder.

it has been a social mechanism of mine for a very long time

It sounds very childish, but I am a child-like person...if not give them something then i will either offer to teach them to play the ukulele, make sock monkeys or screen print...

then I wind up uncomfortable socially over my head.

most people simply remain acquaintances. I am mostly fine with that..I have never had too many normal friendships it's just the way I am.

I'd say that having trouble making friends is the main asperger's symptom.
Just a thought.

Awhile ago I was drunk and didn't know what to say so said "how's the weather?" and my friends thought I was joking and thought it was hilarious. A few times recently when I've been with somebody and run out of things to say I jokingly say "sooo.. how's the weather?" to try and make them laugh. It's a bad example but using jokes (if you can deliver them right, I often can't) can help get through conversation. Try and copy some smooth talkers that you know, it's what I tend to do after awhile accidently.

I practice on strangers. In lines. I make a funny comment or react to something they've asked someone else. My husband says I'm great at making non emotionally invested conversations. I've gotten over the obsessiveness of worrying about how they think about me. I just make the little conversation and leave. Then when it comes time to actually have a real small talk kind of conversation with say a co worker, I don't freak out. Well....sometimes.

I feel like I'm doing SOMETHING really wrong. Like just today I saw the neighbor out washing his car. I couldn't vary well sit in my car for a couple of hours until he left, so as I went past him I said "Hi <insert neighbor's name>". And he said something about the weather, and then I did too...only...I don't know, it was weird...I just got the sense I had said something wrong because he didn't respond back to what I said. I get that sense a lot.

Passing a neighbour, saying "hi", and then saying something generic about the weather, is definitely all that's required in a situation where you have no other actual 'purpose' to communicating with the person.

It fulfills all the expectations of human recognition and neighbourly pleasantry without requiring any in-depth engagement.

Therefore, it is very unlikely your neighbour would respond back unless you posed a specific question, as he would feel he had fulfilled his social 'obligation' to you already.

Yep, me too (well, actually I read it in a book). I always assumed people who coughed and spluttered their cold/flue ridden way through the 'proper response' were so rude. I thought 'I'm fine' was what people said when they could not be bothered with the person asking the question. After all, in so many cases after stating they are fine, later in the conversation the same 'fine' person would list their current health complaints.

I think the worst of the whole humiliating misunderstanding was that when people would look at me quizzically, I'd assume they wanted more information and give them more details. Sometimes I'd even give them details about the health and well being of common acquaintances if any were involved; I'd rack my brains trying to figure out what information they wanted that I had not given. Turns out they probably were wondering why I'd given them any information rather than none at all as they were expecting.

I particularly hate this question when asked by health workers you are visiting due to ill-health. What kind of a stupid question is 'how are you' from someone being paid to attend to you due to your ill-health?!


I understand that you are expected to reciprocate. Your own answer should be non-informative, and positive and you can expect the same in return if you reciprocate. I also understand that a failure to reciprocate risks sending a strong message that will likely be interpreted as negative and a direct put down to the person you are interacting with.

While it does seem like a very silly, overly scripted procedure, (especially coming from people who all claim to prize their individuality and would probably advise us to all 'just be yourselves and you'll be fine'), once you realise it is a pre-scripted routine, you can easily add it to your social repertoire and enjoy for once the feeling that you too know what is going on in a social situation (at least for as long as it takes to go through the silly little script).

But remember that failure to reciprocate and/or answer in the expected/accepted ways will at best make people uncomfortable with you.

When you think about how it feels to not know what is happening in social interaction and how stressful and discomforting this can be for us, remember that failure to follow NT norms engenders the same feelings in them with the result being, they find interacting with you stressful and discomforting.

Unlike us, NT's have choices about whether or not to subject themselves to that kind of discomfort - if they choose to interact with only those that respond in expected/accepted ways, they can avoid the very distressing uncertainty in social situations that we ourselves complain of. This no doubt explains many of the reasons most NTs tend to respond negatively to our social overtures and attempts to participate. They are not necessarily being cruel or nasty by intent, rather they are quite likely seeking to protect themselves from the same painful uncertainty and stress that generally pervade our own social experiences.

Yeah. I used to list out any recent illnesses too, and assumed they would as well It seemed perfectly reasonable at the time



Yeah! That *REALLY* throws me. Before I answer I'm sitting there thinking "do they want to know how I am because they need to know my symptoms now, or are they saying that as part of a this strange ritual". I think I usually end up sputtering "uh...well...um" and then kind of saying what's going on.

That's really good insight about how it would make other people uncomfortable and stuff. I...guess I need practice with it. It's like I literally need people who are experienced with doing it to practice with so I can get the part where I ask them it back down, and hopefully not feel uncomfortable doing it.