Autism and Divorce Rate

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Hey, if B. Disraeli said it, it must be true. (I'm being sarcastic. I don't think this guy knew much about statistics. Therefore, this is little more than a funny line.)

To reiterate: no one with autism gets married, barring a few outliers here and there. Most people with AS don't marry, most won't experience a relationship (it's just the facts).

You generally have to get married to get divorced; most of us won't see the former, so the latter is moot for most of us.

There's no point in hiding from the truth.

Statistics only tell you what happends, not why it happends.

A lot of the times, two statistics show a correlation, not a cause-and-effect.

For example, take the following joke statement:

"100% of the people who died last year have eaten bread sometime in their lives"

Although this stament is probably correct, would it be correct to say that bread causes death?
No.

Simply put, don't turn yourself into a statistic, because that robs you of your unique personality, circumstances and free will.

My mother has AS... she's been married to my father for over 20 years now... and no sign of them ever breaking up... This sets the bar high for me, though...

As for aspie-to-aspie relationships, I would think that this subset would have a much lower divorce rate than NT-to-NT or NT-to-aspie. After all, aspies are more understanding of what another aspie goes through in life, they communicate on the same level (not expecting to be showered with white lies, but instead given the truth), and if they have overlapping obsessions, they can explore those together, forming an even stronger bond...

Ohh ya, I did not know it was that high but knew it was much higher then average. I never plan on getting married, ill probably end up adopting a child or 2 in the hopes I can make their lives better, so far thats my plan.

Yea my parents almost got divorced, i know it was mainly because of me, but luckily i wouldn't let them, and neither would my brothers. I don't believe in divorce, if i get married, then thats it, no serparation after that, death to us part haha. Thankfully my nt bf doesn't believe in divorce either hehe!

Remember, 47.6% of statistics are made up on the spot!

Daniel, you have stated several times that "no one with autism gets married, barring a few outliers." I'd like to see your sources on this - it sounds like you're just making a sweeping generalization (which is usually an error), and attempting to ignore the contrary evidence by insisting that all counter-examples are mere statistical outliers.

My personal divorce rate is 50%. The first marriage didn't even involve children - she'd had a tubal ligation before we ever met. (It had more to do with the fact that she was a pathological liar, and I didn't make enough money to be a good sugar daddy.) The second one, in which we had an autistic daughter, is still going strong, and so is she.

I'm an Aspie, and divorced, but that was because my ex-husband was abusive. It was only a few years after the divorce became final that I got the official diagnosis of Asperger's. I'm in a long-term relationship now, and it's possible that it could result in another marriage.

Now, my parents are seperated for a year, but they have no plans to divorce. They had other issues that had nothing to do with me being an aspie.

And I think he did. What would those statistics be? The point to it is, you can pretty much bend the things, many different ways, to get them to make your point, no matter what the real facts are. He was brilliant and seriously I think he had a better grasp of them, then most, before or since. (I could make up some statistics if you like to prove it)

First, no one knows how many there even are with AS, it's just a guess. Second, no one knows how many get married, just live together, have long relationships (or short), it's just a guess. The point is, it's just guess work at best, with some formula or perhaps formulas made up by someone some place, often with an agenda. Then you have the people that want to put out the statistics to begin with, that's where you really have to watch it. What are they sellin? How many number manipulators did they go through or hand pick to get what they wanted? But pay attention to the first fact, no one knows how many of us there even are, not a clue. If they say other wise, I have some statistics for them.

I'm battin 50/50 by the way. But some days I'd trade this one for a cheesecake and a new pair of socks. I suspect she'd trade me for a half of a cheesecake and a worn pair of socks. Unfortunately neither of us will pay for the divorce, so we've decided we'll fake love and just stick it out to the bitter end.

By the way, "all generalizations are false, including this one", he may have said that one too. I think it's funny as hell and true 47.9% of the time, no wait, 97.4%, yeah that's the right one, the government told me so. That means it's true, 100% of the time, mostly. The margin of error is 50% and that is a seperate formula, called cover your ass.

Last edited by postpaleo on 20 Dec 2007, 5:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I agree with postpaleo - I very much doubt there are any reliable statistics on autistic marriages. Given that Attwood feels it necessary to devote a significant amount of time in the Complete Guide to aspie marriage, I doubt it's all that rare. Similarly, there are spouse support groups etc. out there. If there was no demand, these wouldn't exist.

I'll also add that no one in their right mind would get married on the basis of divorce statistics. The only reason you have a 50% chance is all the old people and premature deaths. You're noticeably more likely to get divorced than stay together within the first two years of your marriage. Those aren't great odds - in fact, everyone who ties the knot is doing so on the assumption that they will beat the trend, and most won't. So I wouldn't pay much attention to the statistics - just by getting married, you've already made the decision that you're going to ignore them, you might as well continue to do so.

Siuan, you've got my sympathies, it sounds like things are pretty tough for you right now. I hope they improve soon.

I can totally understand the higher divorce rate. I myself am thinking that my family would be better off if I were to leave. OUr family being being beaten down right now and I can't do a thing to stop it.

DeaconBlues wrote:

LMAO I always say 79.6% of all statistics are pulled out of somebody's ass......

I'm an Aspie, so is my wife, and both our sons. Honestly, I think the fact we're both Aspie's is the ONLY reason we're still married. The stress of dealing with a child who has any kind of special needs is tremendous. I include physical disabilities, illness, and psychiatric problems. I think if they examined the divorce rate for parents who's children had a physical disability, or had died from cancer, etc. they'd find the rate elevated over the "background" rate of society. I DO think the rate would be higher where one parent was on the spectrum and the other was an NT, OR where both are NT's. Aspie's hate change so much... sometimes the difficulties are easier to deal with than the change divorce causes.

The original post was about the stresses and strains of raising autistic children and making the marriage work. It was not about the improbability of Aspies getting or staying married. Autism does impose tremendous strains on a marriage. One and sometimes both members of the marriage team often feel that they simply cannot cope. That is not unusual as the malady that they deal with has a life of its own; coming and going without any reference to time or place. The caregiver’s existence becomes reduced to constant firefighting on multiple fronts as they deal with autism’s unknowable rage. Even if the marriage does not fall apart, the resentment that builds up can become an awful burden to shoulder.

All of this calls for better coping and management strategies. Going to bed at 4 am, allowing your husband to sleep alone, and ending up chronically sleep deprived will only make things worse. Autism can make a marriage difficult to hold on to, but if you are not going to be smart about how you manage your end of the bargain, then autism or not, the marriage will still fail.

People who do not sleep well are usually cranky and unpleasant to be with. Often they do not realize what monsters they become. I would say that getting enough sleep is the first step to securing your marriage and becoming a better parent. The next thing to do is to get adequate exercise and maintain a healthy diet. Surfing the web for hours at a time is fun but almost never productive. Make time for what you enjoy but prioritize. Allowing activities like surfing the internet to take over what little free time you have is self destructive.

It sounds like I am sermonizing. But from reading your post, I just felt that you have clearly allowed yourself to head down a dread path towards dissolution. There is never a need to give up like that.

I am not sure if the last post was intended for me, but there are several factors that play into our troubles. First off, my husband and I work opposite shifts (he works days and I work nights) so there is rarely anytime that we are together. Having said that I have a huge amount of difficulty sleeping during the day, so I average about 4-5 hrs per day. We have 3 children and the oldest is a teenager. My AS child is my middle child and is in a gifted school. He has a ton of homework and every night is a "shoutfest" to get things done. I cannot afford to quit my job, so I am stuck making the most of a difficult situation. Oh, and I forgot to mention that I am going thru menopause which is hell in itself.

I started a thread on melatonin, a sleep supplement that has worked wonders for me. Buy thick curtains and get a bottle of 1 mg melatonin if you have trouble sleeping. Because if you do not sleep, everything you do will be ten times harder. People blame their marital problems on autism – which no doubt contributes – but as is evident there usually is a lot more at play. And if you will not do the things you can do to make things better, then perhaps it is not the autism that really brought an end to the marriage. The caregiver’s first job is to take care of themselves. Only then can you take care of others.

You're up on a soapbox alright. Who said anything about my diet or exercise? My diet is excellent and I exercise regularly. I surf the internet because I'm exhausted and it's an outlet, not because I feel like throwing my time away. And I don't care for being noctournal, but as I mentioned in the OP, I need SOME quiet and it takes me four or five hours to calm down enough to sleep. I didn't need you to point out all the things that are wrong in my life, I'm already acutely aware of the things I need and want to change. If I had given up, I wouldn't be writing this because there would be no point. Do you think I don't miss going to bed with my husband? That's the whole point! If change were so simple, I'd have done it. Perhaps since you have such a gift for identifying the obvious, you can also provide a solution. Though I suspect not. Those who spout off so mightily rarely have a clue about a solution, or they wouldn't be spouting off.

I also mentioned in the post that my marriage ISN'T failing, nor do I have any plans of divorcing my husband. The statistics just seemed bleak and I was commenting on that, in relation to my own experience since stress was cited as the main reason for divorce among parents of autistic children.

If my post seems biting, it is. I have no patience for having what I've already stated spit back at me by someone who thinks they're a know-it-all. My OP was about odds, and how they seem stacked against us. I think you're one of those people who needs to say something even when they have nothing to say due to an exaggerated sense of self-importance. And I'm really in no mood right now.