The Refrigerator Mother Theory

Post Reply New Topic

Mine is definitely not the refrigerator type.

I have begun to make my mother understand that she is on the spectrum as well. Her natural anti social tendencies are what is encouraging her. I know she struggled with me growing up watching me have such a difficult time and remembering her own difficulties. My own son is AS as well. I've always been very affectionate with him just because my mom was never really very affectionate and I did actually crave that from her. I think she was that way only with me and not with my brother and sister because I was the one most like her. My brother and sister are both very extroverted and run the popularity gambit.

Bruno Bettleheim, in the Empty Fortress, was one of the main perpetrators of the idea that parents caused autism. Thankfully, this theory has been discredited. My parents were, and are, great to me. I believe I was just very different from the time I was born.

My mom fits the refrigerator mom, I think. She was excellent at tuning us out, ignoring us, and putting us off.

My dad was largely absent, working all hours in the military.

We weren't a huggy touchy feely family. I got more spankings than I did hugs.

My mom definitely was no "refrigerator mother." That BS theory is a perfect example of why Freudian Psychology (from where the BS came from IIRC) is a load of crap.

No, Idaho Aspie - we *don't* know that is not the cause, nor do we know what *is*. We're still in the dark, though a few have their theories, that may just perculate into a full-fledged hypothesis based on Universal Law, which is then just a hop, skip and jump to the Root Cause. Personally I do feel the Root Cause is wrapped inside the en vitro enviroment, directly connected to the mother's state of being - emotional conditional, relational and physical and my theory continues with - the amniotic sac and the influx of maternal hormones which under duress could literally poison the fetus so that it must shut down neurotransmitters in order to merely survive the 9 months which if one could monitor the fetus would find that it is akin to electro shocks, choking and piercing - much like a child and adult later exhibit via their sensory integration maladaptiveness.

For starters....there's more - but I'm beat.

That is interesting. I still believe that there are some postnatal environmental triggers of gene expression ; sensory and motor skill use etc in relation to the proprioceptive systems development particularly, and food opioid effects on developing brain structure, for example, but there does seem to be increasing evidence for the inter-uterine environments effects on gene expression. It's fascinating.

Yeah. It is fascinating. All the more so when you retain *memory* from that stage in your development - where one can, from an experiential standpoint begin unravelling and putting the pieces together, utilizing the tools one has at their disposal - which are - primarily - memory, sensory faculties, emotion, experience (knowledge( and consciousness. So, we're working on it and not waiting for the so-called *experts* to come up with anything useful - because we *are* the experts of this, like no one else could possibly be...

We have two autistics in my family and not a refrigerator mom anywhere. Matter of fact my grandparents who rasied me were almost too available emotionally at times. I loved hugging people I trusted they were few but my grand mother and great grandmother were the ones I loved to hug. I loved my father too we did not hug much but we did not have to our relationship was solid in other areas. My grandfather protected me then taught me how to survive in the typical world when I was wild and clueless. Nothing refrigerator about him either.

I agree. One of the first articles I read about autistic/asperger's kids (this was back in the 1980's before anyone knew of autism spectrum disorders) mentioned the refrigerator mother and that it was a stereotype that was grossly mistaken. The article went on to say that many doctors and psychologists would remove the mother from the child's therapy because they thought that the mother was actually too controlling and domineering. Their misperception was due to the fact that the child really connected only to one person: his/her mother. In the 1980's they were just beginning to realize that including the mother in the child's therapy and teaching the mother how to teach her child would be of great benefit specifically because of the closeness between the child and mother. I remember that the article said that the mother is not to blame.

Now, if we could only get the idiot school psychologists out of the '80's...

My mother hated me. I was not endearing and when she came to pick me up I refused to go with her really embarrassing her. I cried endlessly because of colic. My rocking had the landlady make comments. Teachers were constantly on her back. I was kicked out of Kindergarten, grade 3 for inattention. My older bros with whom I shared a room and with whom I attended kindergarten was pushed in front of truck one week before xmas so Gr 1 & 2 teachers left her alone but Priest commented that I had no understanding of combined communion/confirmation ceremony. she commented that teachers between 4-6 complained that I was unreachable as if it was somehow a character flaw. Cannot say where I attended first part of gr 7. By gr 10 I was attacked and fearing for my safety with advice of nun at school who assumed I was abused at home from my odd behaviours followed her counsel to leave to a group home. Children there were rescued from prostitution, drugs etc and one incident where 14 yr old was caught teaching me how to do needles had administrative personnel including a reverend, psychiatrist, several counselors and life skills coachs call mom in to explain that I did not belong in this setting. She refused to take me back on the basis that I did not make my bed every day. I think that in actuality her desire was to be my dad's favorite daughter and my little behind beside her big one was an bone of contention. That year my bros had discovered that my dad had a t.v. among xmas purchases he assumed was slated for her. That I received it was more than she could bear and when I left I well remember the tug of war we had over it. All my belongings always ended up with her favorite, my youngest brother who no matter his crimes could do no wrong. He got away with murder while the smallest of infractions I could make she'd invariably blow out of all proportion. My life with this impossible self serving self indulgent, unjust and phoniest of snakes who wore religion like a fashion accessory was hell no one can begin to comprehend. One fellow who caught me squatting under a pile of boards full of nails during monsoon conditions was so impressed that I preferred that to going home yet refused to invade his privacy he later mentioned he wrote a song about me. If he only knew how more complicated my life was and remains. My guess is that she is seriously a malignant narcisscist. God help the developmentally affected child with a mom that puts herself ahead of her children. I seriously think she married to compete with her friend and for the purpose of being taken care of and children were just an issurance policy to keep my father, an honourable but very unhappy man, from dumping her pathethic ass. They say behind every great man is a great woman. She destroyed our entire family, putting walls between us all.

My mum is not on the spectrum, but she does suffer from anxiety, paranoia and self-consciousness, and fears rejection and humiliation and abnormalcy.

My Mom is a microwave, and my Dad is a dishwasher.

My mother too. She was over protective until the day I left home...a couple of months ago.

Same with my dad too, who she said had AS. He wasn't cold and distant but didn't really work on building relationships. His love was shown through giving gifts and that's something he passed onto me.

The Refrigerator Mother theory really comes apart when your other three siblings are nothing like you.

I had a Refrigerator Mother and, while she may not have made me autistic, she certainly caused me to be much less high-functioning than I would have been otherwise. However, she herself had a "refrigerator father." My grandfather was quiet, handsome, laconic and totally unable to express his emotions My mother was exactly like him, and many of my other maternal relatives, including my kid brother, have autistic traits of one sort or another. I suspect there is a strain of AS that runs through the family and found its full expression in me. But the taint in the blood is about to die out. My refrigerator grandfather had 4 grandchildren, my brother, myself and two cousins. We're all well into midlife now and none of us has reproduced. Only one of us have even married. Go figure. So from my perspective, I see a very strong case for the genetic nature of autism. It is also true that many of us, precisely for this reason, have had forbears of the refrigerator type.

My father meets all criterias being Asperger's, but he is not diagnosed. He invented a new system, that conveyor belts in coal power plants do not catch so easily fire anymore. I never had real contact to him.
My mother was traumatized in her childhood and meets criterias for BPD.
My psychologist is wondering, how much of my autism/AS is psychogenic and how much is inherited.
Maybe I could be better than the way I am.
My brother is neurotypical.