Relationships 10 years +

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Wow thats crazy, how is dating somebody whos on the spectrum? isnt hard when the other person meltsdown or stims differently? I've been dating an NT for just about 2 years next month, and its defintely weird. I like dating an NT though because i just dont think an aspie or another autie can handle me which sounds weird.

My longest relationship was 1 year.

Becky said, "Never boring?" Hehe. Yes, that's true!! But it has its problems. We both have some similar deficits that makes it difficult to supplement each other in dealing with the world, generally. Sometimes, we negotiate which of us gets stuck with the task. But often we both fail because we simply aren't, either of us, up to the challenges that others (NT) seem to handle so readily. But on the other hand, we understand each other like close brothers and sisters, I suppose. A lot of what we uncover over the years about each other is so similar, really. Yet sometimes one of us really needs the other to "be a certain way" to compensate and we just can't do it that well. Not that we don't want to, just that we can't "go there." So I don't want to pretend it isn't without problems.

We each felt like "misfit toys" in the world, alone. Like a cat living in a dog's world, maybe. Expectations others seem to have were never met, never seeming to "get" what they expected as obvious to them. But together, we are like two cats who have found one of their own kind. And it's nice. It's like being home with family. Becky doesn't do small talk. We like to think about issues, work on different projects, etc. I might study peer-reviewed papers on global warming (I'm a physicist) and talk to her about them one moment, she might talk about some ideas about starting a dental retreat for the developmentally disabled on the next. We do parallel things, a lot. Like .... not being faced with constant NT-style eye contact? Kind of doing things cooperatively that helps us make progress, working on and thinking about projects together. Non-small talk stuff, we imagine, though perhaps that is being judgmental where I shouldn't be. Does that make some sense?

What caused me to come into contact with others was working on projects. I never, ever initiated conversations for my own purposes. But if I were working on something, that provided a reason and I would not find it difficult to talk about some project with someone else on a 1:1 basis. I just couldn't handle groups, party situations, and stuff like that. Becky is about the same on that point, so she doesn't miss things because of my problems there.

Today, it seems selfish in a way. We went to genetic counseling back in the early 1980's, when we decided we wanted to have children. At the time, no one seemed to imagine there was a genetic component to autism. Of course, we have two children with it. One profound and one in college, but clearly with some notched behaviors that are very much like me. So that is a modern concern, I think.

As far as meltdowns, yeah that can be a stress for a moment when the other hasn't yet recognized it as such. But we quickly identify those times, now, and give each other loving room and lots of understanding. So it was more of a problem earlier when we were still learning to appreciate and recognize those moments for what they are.

Jon

I consider "long-term" to count differently depending on intensity-a 10 year marriage where neither person spends much time with the other could be comparable (IMHO) to a 3-yr. relationship in which the couple spend every day together.
Anyway, I haven't been in one that long (10 yrs.) but was with an NT guy for almost 9 years. Half the time we "just" lived together, half the time we were married (and lived together).
We got divorced, then I found out I had this dx, then I found another boyfriend. Current relationship (with NT guy) has lasted 3+ years, so far so good...Haven't met anyone else (other than self) with AS, so I don't know if I'd get along well with someone like that...

I worked out of the home before Becky and I got involved, worked about 5 years away from home from about 1980 to 1985, and then have worked out of the home ever since. Since crowds and lots of people are difficult for us, sap our energy, we spend about every waking minute near each other. What does 30 years of that count as?

Jon

Wow thats interesting thanks to explaining that to me. You guys are soo lucky to have each other! I still want children no matter what, my nt bf says if they pop out autistic, then they pop out autistic, whatever we get is, is what we have to work with. Anyways i wish the best of luck to both you, thanks for sharing your experiences !

I think it's more important to just focus on whatever relationship you have at hand, than to go find someone just because they are like you. What I've learned is probably mostly true for any relationship, to be honest. But if you are aware of just how common divorce is these days, then you also know that NTs face a daunting number of challenges they also really aren't well prepared for. I just happen to think that we face all of those problems PLUS even more. I remember seeing some statistic, just nodding to myself "yes, that makes sense", that said that the divorce rate was very much higher for people like us. And it's not hard to know why. So, in some ways, finding someone who understands in their souls what it is like means having just that much more in common and that much less to stress over, later on. Of course, on the other hand, it means having fewer combined NT skills to gird yourself against the slings and arrows in the world around you. 6 of one, half-dozen of another. So just focus on what you have and make it work, I think.

I will say one more thing. Becky is my first and only. I have zero experience with anyone else. In that sense, I am very inexperienced despite being 52. I believe I would not have been able to well survive a failed relationship -- at least, the very idea of it scares me more than I can suggest. Which may be why I waited until I was almost 25 years old to even start. And, not because I made the first move, either. That simply was not possible for me. So I'm not speaking from a perspective of trying out ideas here and there and finding what works and what didn't, with different people. Instead, it was working very very hard to discover those things in the one relationship I had invested every fiber of my being into. When things were at their very toughest, there was no choice for me. I had to learn, or else simply die. I had no alternatives, no choice of just giving up or deciding that "this doesn't work, need to find someone else." It was literally sink or swim, live or die, for me. So no matter what I faced, there was only one choice -- learn.

I am a great supporter of the idea of commitment and unconditional love -- that one takes the view that nothing at all, no matter what the trials may seem to be, should break up a relationship. Commitment means just that or else it really doesn't mean much in the end. Drawing lines in the sand that cannot be crossed, where you say to yourself that if these are breached then the relationship is over, pretty much means you are screwed at the outset. Might as well save yourself anguish and just not start. In a long life together, many changes happen in two people. Setting down lines in the sand pretty much means that a line will get crossed, someday, because in the long lives people have these days, life happens.

For example, attraction doesn't suddenly stop just because someone gives you a marriage certificate. A piece of paper doesn't have that power, like it or not. If you draw some silly line in the sand on that score, you are almost certain to find yourself on the other side of it. Don't start out by setting up the fences and bars that will soon imprison your abilities to forge a long, worthwhile relationship.

Becky has my unconditional love and commitment and I will always, always be there for her no matter where she decides to go or what she does. No matter my own pain in the process. The flip side of it is that I would be of little value to any other, in a relationship. Being committed as I am, would interfere in any other relationship and I don't think it would be fair to anyone else. So I'm finished, as far as other relationships go... unless, of course, we were part of a larger family I suppose. (I'm not opposed to the idea of another wife, for example. The extra shoulder to get work done might actually be a sincere help.)

For what that's worth.

Jon

8th wedding anniversery comming in a month and a half.

Met at 14
Romantic at 18
Married at 19
Currently 27

We are the happiest couple we know. We have 2 kids and the best marriage on the planet.

I am AS, she is diagnosed ADD. Neither of us thinks like an NT, and we live a logical loving life with each other. I really wouldn't trade my relationship with her for anything in the world

I knocked up a bartender almost 23 years ago, when . Six months after my son was born to this woman who had her tubes tied before we met, we got married. We were married for 15 years. However, most of the longevity was due to my desire to raise my son with my values, and not to let him be raised fatherless in a trailer park in West Virginia. I am now "Happily Divorced" from my Bi-Polar wife, and my son has lived with me ever since.

Mark