What price do you pay for socializing?

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For me, it depends on the context of the socialization. Sometimes socializing is very costly energy-wise; other times (more rarely), it is fulfilling.

I suppose it depends on how much acting, filtering, and small-talking I'm required to do. Acting like a normal person, carefully filtering everything I say, constantly struggling to blah blah about nothing all come at a high cost for me. I tend to avoid social situations in which any of these actions are required of me, even at the risk of being labeled anti-social, or offending someone by declining an invitation; in a selfishly defensive way, I have settled on putting my own mental well-being above the expectations of others.

Examples:

Tomorrow my work is hosting a large team morale event lunch thing. Lots of acting, filtering, small-talking, plus likely sensory overload from being surrounded by so many people. Ergo, I will not be going; anyone who bothers me about it I tell, honestly, that my morale will be increased by just letting me alone. If I attended such an event, I would likely feel sick and drained afterwards, possibly for some days. Happily, I'm not the only person where I work who is like this, so my apparently anti-social behavior is accompanied by a small chorus of other extreme introverts.

On the other hand, I have a weekly role playing gathering with 4 good work friends this evening. I feel free to be my full-tilt crazy self around them, no acting, no filtering. [Likewise, they are their full-tilt selves around each other and me; some of them are delightfully twisted, and we have some notoriously "politically incorrect" discussions.] In this gathering, if I have nothing to say, I do not say anything, and I do not worry about it. But more often or not, my fellow geeks will be discussing something I'm interested in, so the conversation is fulfilling. If something I find ridiculous is being discussed, I will happily say so. E.g. last week, I walked in on some discussion involving Britney Spears’s latest escapades, and after listening for a few moments, I frankly interjected, "Boy I'm terribly proud of myself for having no idea nor concern for what is going on in Britney's life."

Two social events; one enjoyable, and one draining.

Good fortune,

- Icarus is a social vampire moth...

It's weird - I actually love socializing, but I'm terrible at it! Seriously, the easiest way to get me out of the house is a party (as long as somebody else offers to drive - hate driving and other drivers no doubt hate me). But then I'll get there and hang out by the food table talking to no one, or getting in awkward conversations (once I mentioned to somebody that I preferred cats to babies and he looked at me like I'd grown 3 heads), or sitting in a corner reading a book or a magazine, or playing with the cat. If there are no cats and no magazines and the food is bad, I'll sneak out when no one is looking, even if I've only been there 20 minutes. And if I've gone with somebody, I'll still sneak out and go for a walk for an hour or so and then beg to be taken home. Unless I'm with my boyfriend, who hates parties and I've dragged him there - then he's ready to go whenever I am.

But every so often I'll run into somebody who shares one of my obsessions and then we'll hole up for the rest of the evening talking about it. For example, there's this one guy I know who's a silent film geek like me who I only see at parties - we practically have to be pulled apart at the end of the evening. Maybe he's an Aspie too.

But yeah, I'm addicted to parties like some people are addicted to cigarettes. They're bad for you, they make you feel yucky, but you keep smoking them.

-J.

I do this almost subconsciously now: filtering, acting and small-talking etc. I do it to the extent that i'm not really too sure who I am underneath. It is draining, but for some reason I still feel the need to socialise, to be accepted by others. However in those situations I often devolve into the kind of situations that the OP described being (when i'm socialising, or in conversation):

- I'll concentrate on their mouth instinctually but tell myself to look them in the eyes.

- If anything moves, or if someone walks past, or a car drives past, a bird flies past, or anything moves or is of interest, my attention is averted, and my conversation goes into auto-pilot.

- If i'm drinking a beverage of some kind, I will doodle with the moisture left by the glass on the table. I will always put the glass back on its own "circle" or i will create a pattern or picture by placing the glass in different places on the table in relation to the original "circle". If i get another drink, I will put the glass on the old glass's "circle" unless the "circle" has dried up and can't be seen.

- I'll start tapping (i'm a drummer) in my head, or with my hands or with my toes, feet, legs or some extremity that lends itself to being able to be tapped. I'll go into auto-pilot and have fun just tapping about.

- My conversation will mostly consist of "Yeah", "Really?" , "Oh", "I know", "I'm sorry" and i'll mention something about the weather, or Insurance (as most of my wife's friends work in the insurance industry (same as me).

- I hate people asking about how I've been or how the new job is going, or what i've been up to. I've always found these to be the most stupid and uncomfortable questions and I have no idea why. I hate having to tell people "Yeah i've been ok" "You know, work, the usual". ARGHH

- Sometimes i'll get in a mood and be quite the larrikin, making good calls, and reactive jokes etc. Ask me to tell a joke and I won't remember any, except for the only one i ever remember "An irishman tried to blow up a bus...he burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe". I can never remember jokes.

Anyways, I just realised i'm waffling on. But in general. I guess i've sacrificed part of knowing who I really am, to be able to socialise on a semi-subconscious level. I'm not too sure i'm happy with that now, though it sounded like a good idea in my head when I was 15 and wanted to be one of those guys who could get girls.

Last winter I started budgeting sanity points to social events. Depending on the event and who was involved and what we were doing, it would take a different amount of points- and time spent by myself would give me back points.

For example, I would go to writing group and it would take two points. I'd get three back by spending the entire next day in my room and then spend five on a family dinner with the in-laws in full annoying form. If we got in a fight, it might take a few more points.

I keep a running tally of my sanity points and use them to judge when it's okay for me to go out or whether I'm likely to be unhappy. Of course, everyone thinks I'm a little odd for this...

ANSWER THIEF!! !

Yesterday, my counselor had me look at her face--to work on my non-verbal skills. Every other second she would make a noise or direct me back to looking at her. It was very difficult for me to actually look at her. I never once looked in her eyes, instead concentrating on her mouth or similar region. I couldn't gather my thoughts fast enough by looking at her.

It helped a bit to make it seem as if I'm paying attention, but it was troublesome.





It's a nervous habit, yes, but I am in no way "nervous" in the conventional sense. I notice I got plenty of tics, or habits that I do. Most of it has to do with smiling and laughing. My counselor told me that I should just use that as an excuse..."I'm not nervous, I just developed a nervous habit which makes it appear as I'm nervous." or something like that. She said to do this even when I'm looking suspicious, since I've a tendency to look away or behind me every time.