mother of 9 year old aspie boy wants him to make friends any

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Keep to FEWER friends and preferably in one-on-one play.

Team sports are not good for aspie friend making but things like scouts are.

Don't worry too much about friends, aspies don't need heaps like NTs do.

Aspies tend to attract other aspies - or other kids with social difficulties (eg: english as a second language). A larger school will have a better chance of having more than one aspie per year than a smaller school will.

Teach your son about good behavior to use in a meltdown so he doesn't lose his friends. Also help him with the social cues.

Same here! Omigod, how my grandma wanted me to participate in sports to make friends, and how my mom pushed it on me...and what a disaster that was. I got those freakin' "honorable mention for participating" certificates- I don't think I ever felt more lousy or worthless in my whole life. Believe me- those things do NOT make ya feel like a winner at all.

Part of me looks back and believes my mom saw me as a "trophy" son- anything to impress her mom. Well...her mom was NEVER impressed, and of course, if yer gonna have a "trophy" son...it normally helps to KNOW WHAT YOUR KID IS EVEN SUCCESSFUL AT DOING! I only told my mom a thousand times, but she never seemed to understand...or maybe she didn't care. Ah well, she's 6 feet under now, no water off my back...

But yeah- don' push it. Let your kid find his own way. Don't push him into things he doesn't want to do; it's actually gonna do more damage than good, and hold him back more from his true goals. Who knows what an expert on action figures I could be NOW, had they not been yanked away from me at age 12 by my mom who said I was "too mature for them". Granted, I already AM one, but who knows the levels I could've already been at had I been able to get those extra years in. It's ok though- now I know how to handle my own kids when I have them.

When the kid is ready for friends, he'll make them. Pushing him to socialize- believe me- will only be a disaster...and you will NOT look on it and say "well, it was a learning experience"- I assure you, no one will have learned a thing from it.

You're learning more from reading this thread than you will experiencing the trainwreck that will be his forced social exposure- trust me.

Whatever you do, don't force him!!

The only learning that will come of it if you do force socialization on him is that HE'LL LEARN to RESENT YOU.

Oh, I was very lonely as a young kid, and believe me- I'm very thankful for the friends I have; don't even question that- although I have few issues with being alone at times as well.

But don' force it on him- when the time, and right person- comes along, it'll happen naturally. And believe me- the friendship will be worth so much more.

The right people came in my life, and 3 of them are my best friends, two of them are my close friends, and one is my GIRLFRIEND!

In fact, my #1 best friend has been that for almost 18 years now. #2 has been that for about 4 years now. #3 has been that for about 1 1/2 years- 2 years now. Close friend #1 has been that for about 9 years now. Close friend #2...I'd go with about 3 years now.

Girlfriend...ok, we kinda just started up

My parents didn't seem to worry that I wasn't interested in other children. They were happy that I was healthy and active exploring my environment. They never pushed friends on me and eventually I did find my own friends - I could only manage about one at a time, but I was mostly OK with that.

Z

I think my child would like to make a friend, but he doesn't quite grasp the concept. Sometimes he thinks that anyone he speaks to that day is his friend, and at others he says he doesn't have any friends.

My suggestion, and also what we are most likely going to do with out little guy is put him in some sort of club/group that he seems interested in. As long as there are other children there doing the same thing, they will have something to talk about, and that is really where friendships evolve from, that initial conversation.

Then again, all my friends made me, just like some of the others are saying. (Also, watch out for children or people that might have an ulterior motive, I got used so many times growing up by other people for their own agendas it isn't funny. At 28 I can see, what I think, is all of it, but then I just couldn't.) Even in my own group of friends, if it was more than one on one interaction, I felt like a third wheel, or outsider half the time. I also have a really hard time because I over analyze just about everything everyone says to me.

Wow, now that some people here mention it, I don't think I ever tried to be friends with anyone...actually, I don't ever recall even LIKING a boy or trying to talk to him unless he came to me first...hmmm...Every boyfriend I had in school came to me first, I never tried to get their attention as other girls did...Same with the girls...I never really had any girl friends that were good friends...not until I was in my 20s...Throughout school the girls talked to me if I was friends with some guy they wanted to meet...Many of my friends were the cute/in-crowd, not because I looked for them though...and so, girls tried to be friends with me to get them into those crowds...which of course, I was never part of any crowd...I was pretty much on my own and just knew people from different crowds...

My NT sister had good girlfriends all her life...her high school best friend is still her best friend...I do not keep in contact with anyone from school/growing up at all...except one guy whom I actually think is an Aspie...

If your son has a particular interest you could try having him join a club or after school program that deals with that interests. This worked for me. I have two great friends and we met through a common interest in anime, we've been the best of friends for eight years now.
Just remember you can't force friendships, they have to happen naturally. But you can put him in a situation where he's more likely to make friends. Just make sure it's a situation he has an interest in or he will be objectionable to the whole thing, like I was when my mom made me go to different things I had no interest in.

I agree with Doctor82. Encourage him to find people that share his interests, but NEVER force him to participate in social things unless he wants to. Forcing him may cause him to, like me, develop debilitating social phobias because socializing becomes associated with being forced into overwhelming, meltdown-triggering situations.

a great series of responses and sage advice.

if i am being selfish, i would say this is what is great about wrongplanet -
seeing how other people had the same weird experiences i had (and me
thinking i was unique).

the "forced" friends in elementary school: my mom, dad, the teacher,
me and some kid distinguished only by the fact that he just moved to
the area and had no friends - all meeting to try and get a friendship
going (didn't work). they tried this several times.

all i recall is not understanding what the hell they were trying to do.

fortunately, i was able to foil this insidious plot.

forced participation in sports because that was another way to make
friends and socialize: egad, i could never coordinate myself and begin
to deteriorate when things are moving quickly around me. yeah, that
turned out well.

again, i recall complete puzzlement. why are they torturing me?

yes friends were few (about two a decade) and they chose me but
hey, it's ok.

fg

One thing to consider is to get him into a 4-H club. 4-H is structured differently from Boy Scouts in that your son can sign up for the projects he has an interest in, and the other kids in that project will be both boys and girls of different ages. Having the age differences is crucial, because that means your son is not just associating with his peers (who can be wary of and cruel to kids their own age who act "different".) In 4-H the older kids in a project help the younger ones. So your sone can get the help of older kids and maybe make a friend or two among those younger than he is. (My son was much better at playing with kids younger than he was then with kids his own age. There's less competition, for one thing.) Of course, the success of this depends on who is in the club, and how well the project leader keeps the bullies at bay. You could become a project leader.