Inability to bond?

Post Reply New Topic

When I find myself having a difficult time with bonding I use this:

Hah! i have the same problem and i have all types of adhesives, i don't know why it never occured to me to use them.

yes! my family hates it

I found this thread really interesting. I'm NT, so I was just going to read and not post a reply until I came across this:

"Personally, I can appear to do things the conventional way when it's just a matter of going through the motions (eg. I know what a family dinner is like), but that's just appearances; bonding on a deep level is idiosyncratic, and what's more, I think it is always that way, even if it takes place between two NTs."

And I must agree, from the perspective of someone who is NT, that most social interactions follow set protocols and may not feel deep and meaningful whatsoever. I personally feel a need to make a variety of friends and spend time with them because it feels like that's what a normal, healthy person is supposed to do. However, while hanging out with them, I commonly feel out of sorts, as if there are so many things I would like to say that I know would be lost on them.

I only seem to bond at all whatsoever in romantic relationships and then that connection, too, ends up lost after a while. I haven't had any actual friends since childhood, except for my best friend who I just met this year. (He has AS. I think that the reason this friendship is more meaningful to me is that it's more true somehow... other people tend to behave as if the're in a masquerade.) I think that people who know me would be surprised that I feel this way. I believe that many people appear to be enjoying themselves socially when truly they are just going through the motions because it's what society has taught them to do.

So maybe the only difference here is that the NT mind tends to be more concerned about these societal protocols. I don't know for sure, and I could be completely wrong, but it's an interesting angle.

What is true human nature and what is society's conditioning? Perhaps those who do not succumb to society's conditioning are a better example of what is true.

Anyway, those are just some musings.

I only seem to acquire the bonding mechanism after drinking alcohol.

I'm the same. I just don't get the whole 'bonding' thing at all

I bond; just with inorganic objects. So what?

Is this discussion moving toward being about falling in love?

Because I've often wondered if I fall in love like other people do.

I understand lust......I can do lust. Lust I've seen, lust I've experienced, lust is easy to understand.

But love is far more complex and mysterious.

I agree.

I have the same problem with difficulties in bonding. Heck, I even feel this with my own children for some reason. A bond is there, that is certain, but I don't think it is the same way as a "normal" bond.

My bonds are few and far between... I can connect to an extent to someone, but still be in my own little world, disconnected in a sense no matter how close I am to someone.

It is troublesome when I realize I lack this with my own children at times, if I get to thinking about it... but it doesn't happen a whole lot. The only other time I find it bothersome is trying to explain to someone my feelings about them (my boyfriend for instance) while they KNOW I feel disconnected from everything including myself at times, lol. It's very hard to explain to someone, because they always seem to have this bit of doubt, or confusion as to how I can love them (or whatever emotion I'm trying to express) but still be disconnected... they find it difficult to believe it is possible.

As far as friendships, I always feel I'm outside of things anyway... a constant observer a lot of the time, mainly because I'm never 100% comfortable around others. I don't know how to act, I don't know what they are thinking, how they are intending things, what they are not saying, etc. It's all just strange because the majority of people do not just say what is on their mind all of the time... they just run around and pretend so they look nicer, lol.

I've had lots of friends I would consider to be really close friends, but I've moved away from those same friends and not missed them at all. It's odd I can still consider them close, and not need that closeness I suppose... but I find it odd that I can do this so easily as well, as others seem to be very on top of their friendships-keeping up with the maintenance and all... I have people I haven't seen in 10+ years that I still consider my best friends... but I don't feel a need to see any of them to know this.

Gah, sorry, started rambling, lol.

Good rambling, though.

It made me think of a very close friend that I called after being out of touch for about ten years.

She seemed puzzled and kept trying to find a reason for the call.....like, was I terminally ill or in trouble or ........something?

I could easily pick up right where we left off and still FELT like she was one of my very best friends.

She had moved on and I was sort of out of her life, while......in my head, she was still in my life.

I felt a great difference in how we viewed this and it was enlightening for me. It struck me that she had probably missed me a lot and I had not missed her at all.....maybe because I still felt just as close as I had ever been even though we had no contact.

For her, a relationship had ended.....for me it was the same as ever.

I can't explain it, that's just the way I am.

"For her, a relationship had ended.....for me it was the same as ever. "

I have several friends like this--one who I have to remind myself to call frequently to 'maintain' the friendship or she'll get pissed, and several who I haven't talked to in a while . . . which reminds me, I guess this means I should really call them . . .