Aspies with social skills

Post Reply New Topic

I feel the same way right now. I feel like I have to act all fake and try to act like i'm concerned and want to socialize. Recently I've just been saying f**k what anybody else thinks imma just not say much where I feel most comfortable doing.

Yeah. My evil ex-job coach told me that I should be honest with my application. I didn't have any problem with that.

However, she then try to start backstabbing me saying that I put down false information on my resumes and lied to my counselor that I apply with college education.

Ok? So my resume isn't good enough even for 10 cents? This is my life. A life of trying to get into college because job are not acceptable for me even for my disabilities.

I sometimes think I've got reasonably good social skills and with people who I know well and are a little more tolerant of me I don't have any problems (most of the time). I'm also good with one on one convos but big groups are a nightmare. I've tried learning but feel I've reached my limit here because there's just too much going on to keep track of. I generally get quite withdrawn in groups or (especially if I've been drinking) overcompensate and get really loud and inappropriate.

Its definitely possible to learn these things to a degree but its never going to be easy and fell natural (for me at least). I think I've just learned them by observation and trial and error over the years. I used to have a lot less skills but I feel I'm at an acceptable level now. I still wish I had better skills as I hate the feeling of never fitting in but I guess thats just the way it is.

It is possible to improve your social skills despite being aspie or HFA, but it will a lot of take practice.

It depends on one’s frame of reference.
I read books on body language, social behaviour, etc, because I lack the inherent social skills, hence I can apply learnt social skills in short bursts much as an actor does, however, I have never been able to sustain it for more than an hour or two, and less if I have a couple of drinks (I always end in kitchen or sitting in the backyard at a social event just to stop the sensory overload). Often I leave social event quite early when the level of merriment in the NTs creates too many creatures that I cannot in anyway relate to!

The only times I can really be myself and feel comfortable is with other nerdy types, where we can talk at a technical or philosophical level.

So as a 50 year old, I know I can fake being a social creature for very short periods, but this has taken a long time to learn and is very stressful on the body. But it is a necessary skill to function on the NT world. The nice part about getting to my age is I have found I less need to play the game, eccentric becomes more acceptable the older you become!

As for finding jobs, I spent an enormous amount of time learning interview techniques, writing resumes, and learning to talk the talk; once I get a job, my way of thinking, approach, focus, etc usually results in me being well respected (if not liked!), I just have to modify the environment to deal with some sensory overload issues (people, noise, bright lights!).

Over nearly 30 years of TV, books and people-watching has helped me develop quite an extensive mental database for almost any social situation. Except of the funeral variety

It's a skill that I've had to hone. When I interract with the outside world, I'm pulling from this database.

That is to say, when you're talking to me at the water cooler, it's not really me. It's an episode of Three's Company meets a chapter of Stephanie Plum meets that one time I overheard a similar conversation.

It's a vast improvement from my pre-teen years.

same here. I just learn from my sister in law who is a master at Public Relations. She is great at what she does and has even made a career out of it. It all looks exhausting to me. There are all kinds of hoops to jump through and little things that make my head spin. I learned all about the social game when i had my wedding. I just wanted people to come and have a good time and celebrate.... I didnt know there were so many stupid customs and social calls that had to happen along with that. Invitations have to be worded just right, or they will piss someone off...even thank you notes have to be worded just right or you will piss somebody off. You have to make sure you speak to everyone there whenever THEY think you should, or again you will piss someone off!! ! sorry, i am venting. Its still a puzzle seven years later. I felt a little burned by the whole experience. Its the things like social events that are exhausting.

I'm all right... Nowhere near perfect, but I have a good understanding of it. I got a lot of social skills training when I was younger, and though I was resentful of it at the time, it really did help.

Now, I'm still socially awkward, but not so much, I can get by with one-on one discussions, not with large groups of people however. Appearance helps too, as Scarlet_N mentioned... If you feel good about it, this will be projected, and confidence really helps.

My social skills? Um...you can say I still have a lot to learn in that department.

I can do one-on-one if you don't mind me being very quiet most of the time. I can do group situations as long as noone minds me saying nothing and tending to look everywhere BUT at whoever is talking.
I managed to have quite a good conversation with a 13-year-old the other day (he plays the flute in the same orchestra as me, this was at our rehearsal). We spoke about music and books.
I'll let people draw whatever conclusions they want about my social skills.

I have and still learning them as living learning experiences in my life.

I've gotten pretty good at social skills over the past year or so. I learned it by drinking a lot and hanging out with friends. That, and applying all that I've learned here and elsewhere to real life situations.

I'm very good socially - a full time job, a long-term boyfriend, and a wide circle of friends I'm out with 4 nights out of 7 attests to that. I find it difficult at times, I've just got good at covering up my confusion and misunderstandings, and learnt to cope with overload.

I relate; except for the give advice to friends bit. . . I don't recall that happening. What does happen is that I can detect very poignantly all the social blunders of (specifically) my parents and figure out better ways to proceed; they themselves truly seem stereotypically oblivious. Only in a few cases I recall myself thinking I could improve the demeanour of anyone outside my family; I'm limited to merely understanding some of the subtleties involved. I can often seem to end up reading people a lot and finding patterns with a psychological implication of sorts - for example finding the same meaning/theme in a person's body language as behind his opinions or between comments he makes which are - face value - completely alien to each other.

I find the rest very similar to my own experience. Regardless to what I can read in people, it's rather that they seem to perceive me as generally weird. I think I even caught someone making a comment about me in that light: that something was off about me - other than shyness - that he couldn't quite make what it was. Even I can tell my body language is a bit eccentric sometimes. . .
Most people also do seem to shun me or downright loathe me even before getting to truly socializing with me - way before they could possibly know what my thoughts and feelings are. Even if in this forum I may come through as offensive, most people in real life just see a random guy walking around the office with a stack of papers; there's nothing to like or dislike about that. . . in theory.
The NT disguise is far from perfect here either. . . I'm known for the sudden random big words intermingled with gangsta talk or whatever is that I try to pull off. . . Twitchy. . . off-key. . . and downright suspicious.

I can be pleasant in company but I'm usually on the fringes of conversation. I have a fairly strange group of friends (at least one aspie in it) so they're accepting of weirdness and they're all massive geeks, but I still end up on the outside of things because I don't really know how to work into a conversation or have any idea what to say. Small talk usually ends with me looking like a deer in the headlights.

Of course, I can do this for about three hours at most before I have to find somewhere quiet to get my head back on straight.

I'm fairly socially inept. I suppose if I had to label my social skills with an adjective, it would be "functional." I can usually get by in conversations, but I wouldn't exactly call my conversations "exchanges" or "dialogues." When I talk with anyone, it usually feels like parallel monologues, unless it involves rote or repetition.

The more I know a person, the better my conversation style tends to be. Of course, I'm not sure if it's because I'm better at understanding their communicative styles, or if they're better at understanding mine. I'm guessing it might be a combination thereof.

Usually, in professional contexts, I remain silent. I have an intensely difficult time in finding things to say. I'm only verbose on subjects that I love, and even then I tend to soliloquize.