Grey_Kameleon wrote:
I am acutely aware of my social inadequacies, and one of my biggest character flaws is my tendency to evade that which I cannot do excellently. That is, I procrastinate tasks, avoid talking to people unless they approach me first, and generally let friendships lag.
Something funny happened the other day. I ended up going to this prom-type thing. A total disaster, right? No, it went extremely well because I had enormous confidence in my inability to dance. My social awkwardness became a source of humor rather than frustration. It didn't bother me that I dance (and talk) like a robot, or that I trip walking through the room on about three different occasions, or that I can't sit still for even a second. I was glad to add a sense of humor to the room.
But then I'll just be in a random, one-on-one conversation and I'll just be grasping for any words to keep the awkwardness hidden. Then it's very frustrating.
I'm trying to hold the mentality I had while dancing and let it infect other areas of my life. I seem to be more observant than the autistic people I've heard about, who can just go up to someone and rant about whatever is on their mind and just not care. I go to the other extreme and assume that my awkwardness is extremely unpleasant, but once in a while I have a moment of clarity and I just don't care. It's almost like being drunk.
Do any of you identify with this? Are you extremely self-conscious about your awkwardness to the point that you just shrink from any chance of being 'exposed'? That doesn't seem to be an 'autistic' trait.
You sound exactly like me. I'm not so clueless that I just walk up to random people and talk their ear off about weird things. However, my social cluelessness shows in other ways. I understand some social cues if they're obvious, but I don't know what people think about me, whether they like me, hate me, feel sorry for me, admire me...I just don't know. This is true even with people I consider friends. So I don't take chances, and I draw as little attention to myself as I know how. So I am self aware usually when many people are present (which may contradict a popular AS stereotype), but knowing what other people feel about me at any given moment is always just a poor guess.
Sometimes, though, I do insert very wierd or even insensitive comments into a conversation I am already a part of. Sometimes I catch it right away and put my foot in my mouth. Other times it may take days for it to dawn on me how wierd I may have been percieved by that comment. I can't usually tell conclusively though by any non-verbal reactions, again unless they are obvious. But then even if I understand their reaction, knowing how they feel about me from that point is still elusive to me. It never ceases to amaze me how people read in between the lines, and draw such sure conclusions about other people from it. It makes me feel naive. But whether I care and am being shy, or don't care and am allowing myself to be silly, I am still self aware.
14 Apr 2008, 9:17 pm
