Autistic brother needs help, parents won't help him.

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It sounds like your mother likes him the way he is and doesn't want him to come out of his shell because that would threaten her way of life. She would have to get involved, she would have to deal with his growing wish for independence, and she may not be able to handle it.

I can totally relate to your situation as a minor because that's the way it was when I was growing up, make waves and you are out of the house. Only in this case, I was the autistic child. My parents put me in intensive behavior modification therapy, and encouraged me to take part in activities, but the minute that I showed any independence, the minute those activities cost anything or were generally inconvenient, that was the end of that. What they said they wanted and how they reacted were too different things. They didn't like it that I hid in my room listening to music, but when I wanted to be like a NT teenager, oh, boy. I can't tell you how many fights we had. So I know all about biding your time and getting the H out of there. I think my drive for independence was the thing that saved me.

Nevertheless, you are doing the right thing in being concerned for your brother, and I hope you do not give up on him. Your mother is not thinking about what will happen to him when she is no longer around. Institutionalization may not be an option because many institutions are shutting down and turning their residents out into the street (we have a huge homeless problem in my town because of it), and I would not count on Social Services to be there either. Sorry to be so bleak, but somebody MUST intervene. Are there any trusted teachers, any autism organizations? You have something I did not have growing up and that is access to the Internet. There must be someone in your community that can help. I wish you the best of luck.

It's nice that you care so much about your brother. At least he has someone looking out for him. I hope Child Protective Services can help. If not, maybe his physician or someone connected with the school in your district? I don't know what the laws are everywhere, but in some states (if you are in the US) I think you have to show proof that you are in fact homeschooling your child. Maybe the school would want to investigate. Your mother needs to help him or let someone do so.

I hate to say it, but it seems the relatives you've spoken with know something should be done but don't want to get involved. They may be afraid of being "stuck" with taking care of him if his mother is found to be unfit. And she sounds like she's in the middle of severe depression, so no help there.

CPS may or may not help, depending on their policies. They would have to place him in an institution or in foster care. Keep trying to teach him what you can.

You're cool for doing something where so many others won't even try. I hope your efforts work.

It may help you to go through the reasons with us why your mother feels that what she is doing is the best course of action for your brother. Don't do anything hasty and discount what others have to say as none of us have a clear picture of what is going on. Probably the best thing we can do as a support group is be a sounding board to help you clarify what is really happening. Calling Child Protective Services may seem heroic but the outcome could very well be undesirable or even tragic as you have no control over what they will do. As for your brother being provocative, that is just what autistic individuals do. We tend to do things that are aimed at getting a raise out of others just to see how they will react.

I don't really understand her reasons for doing it this way. She never actually explains it. Probably cuz I dont think she can explain it where it sounds really reasonable.

She knows what she should be doing, because even she gets aggravated from time to time that he can't handle things.

I don't want to be the heroic one. That is not the whole point of this. I could go my whole life without praise if i knew he was getting a chance.

There is no one near us that is around my brother that could really help. My mom has pretty much isolated all of us. I don't even get out more than for an hour a day sometimes. He never goes to doctors unless something is really wrong like being sick. The thing with the homeschooling is that no one ever calls or makes visits to make sure he is being homeschooled. I guess the place he is enrolled don't care enough to check. I don't know. It seems like somebody should be checking every few months. And if they did, she wouldn't have anything to show for it. She has nothing set up to show he is being taught. He is even still in diapers and he still sleeps in the same bed as my mom. When he gets older, that is going to be too awkward and weird. He is getting older and there are things that my mom is gonna have to change cuz he is a boy and does not know how to control himself or keep from exposing himself to strangers. We are both girls, so he needs for his father to take over some of the boy stuff. But he's really not going to do that.

I am not giving up, ever. I will never give up hope or try to find a way to help him. There are some things that he may not need like regular school, but he needs more than what is happening, even if its a little change. He needs more than to sit in a house all his life, never seeing the outside world or being able to be somewhat independent. I can see it in his eyes when he is just sitting there bored and almost lifeless.

I thank all of you so much for your advice and opinions. I just needed someone to talk to who might give me some insight on what to do. I'm going to take all of everyone's advice when considering what to do. I'm going to apply it in some way. I'm definitely not going to do it for another few months at least, just long enough until I get out of her house. Then I am going to call someone to at least investigate. If something still doesn't happen or not much has changed in a few years, if i'm stable in my life, i may petition for custody after all...even if i have to employ a trained professional to live with me. Thanks for all of your comments and I still hope I continue to get advice. You don't even know how much this has calmed me to be able to get it out. The only other person I've been able to tell this too is my grandmother and a little to my best friend. But neither know exactly what to do either (right now). i can't say thank you enough.

I don't see anything wrong with sleeping in his mother's bed, even if he does such when he's an adult; many autistic individuals who're adults have to wear diapers. I wouldn't worry about these, these two come with autism in many cases.

"Inappropriate" behavior is...challenging for society, not the autistic individual.

One thing to take in mind, autistic individuals usually improve throughout childhood, but some don't, no matter the intervention. Perhaps you could look around for places that treat autistic individuals, and speak of this with your parents; there's not much more one can do.

Why do you think that you know what is best for your brother? I do not intend to be mean and from my earlier message I hope you can see that I am trying to be supportive, but in all of your posts you rant about how your mother is inadequate but never about how you might be screwing up in your own life. For a twenty something who has neither a place of her own to stay or even a way to properly support herself, talking about hiring full time professional care for a brother is a stretch. Before we step up and care for others, we must first make sure that we can take care of ourselves.

I would urge you to re-read some of the things you have written. It is not at all apparent to me that your motivations are driven entirely by the situation your brother is in. You might also want to rethink the position that your mother is in. From your description of her, she strikes me as possibly autistic herself. And your rage towards her is archetypal of the sort of things that autistic people have to put up with.

Is it possible that your mom would allow your brother to go to school if you set it all up for him, and take him everyday? I know that it seems like a lot of work, but if you're thinking of getting custody of your brother at some point it shouldn't be a big deal. I REALLY think he needs to be in school. I know a lot of people in this thread disagree, but they're speaking from mostly an aspie POV, and this boy isn't aspie, he's severely autistic, and in need of some help. I'm not fond of strict behavior modification, and such programs, but I'm not anti-therapy, either. This is a 12 yr old boy that is still in diapers, sleeping with his mom, and from what I've gathered nonverbal. He NEEDS to learn a way to communicate with others before he can learn much else. The very fact that he's videotaping kids playing outside, and watching it while laughing is telling me that he wants to be apart of the world, but can't be, and not because he's autistic, but because he hasn't the chance.

I agree that calling CPS may end up with disasterous results. He may end up in a better environment, but he also may end up in a worse one, and without you to help him at all.

Something needs to be done soon, as he's about to enter puberty. Things tend to get pretty ugly when autistic boys go through puberty most of the time. Hormones start pumping, and as frustrated as he already is he may be uncontrollable. I'm sorry if I'm coming off as negative. I'm just relaying what I've learned from extensive research, and from experience with raising a severely autistic, and one high functioning, sons myself.

I admire your loyalty, and courage to step up to the plate, and try to help your brother. If you ever need anyone to talk to you can pm me anytime.

I don't know whats best for him. But its gotta be more than what he's doing. I'm sorry to say but I feel that some of this is just common sense.

I haven't had a great life either, my separate life. I am 21 yrs old and just now getting to a point where I can be on my own. I've been in college, had two jobs, and lived in an apt. with an ex for 6 months. All of which that ended. I've got some problems to work out on my own, but I will be able to take care of myself. My brother can't. I don't know what kind of person he will be with or without help, but why the hell can't we at least give him a chance to see. I am not the most perfect person either I know that. I've got my bad points too. I'm not trying to make my mom the total bad guy, I'm just stating pure facts. My mom has got good points sometimes. As with any person, there are good and bad. But my mom didn't have to take care of me until I was about 18 so she didn't know about how to be a mother to begin with. And she's gonna have two to take care of? I know that being 21 and taking so long to start my independence is bad, but I am starting. I promised myself a long time ago that I was not gonna be stuck at home all my life like my mother. There are just so many things and situations that I don't know exactly how to explain.

Things for my mom and brother have always had it bad. If you really want the subject details. His father whom she was married to for 10 years physically and emotionally abused her the whole ten years. And he ruined her credit. The abuse still goes on even after the divorce. When I was a teenager, I went through that whole rebellious stage and got into a lot of trouble. Teenager though, I am nothing like I was then. I have always regretted how I was and now that I am 21 I feel so horrible about just now starting my life. I didn't say I would be able to take of him now, just when I get stable. I don't know when that would be. Years probably. I've always thought logically on things. I've always been able to understand logic & common sense better than my mom and I think she resents me for it. I am not saying it to be egotistical but many people have also told me that I think smarter than my mother and more mature than most kids think my age.

My mom is not a bad person. Its just with the situation, she is not thinking clearly or in denial i don't know. But anything is better than what he is doing. When we fight, she always yells that I just want to be against her and I want to tell her what to do. I don't want to tell her what to do. I shouldn't have to, she should be able to see it herself. It has nothing to do with any of these things. It has to do with getting my brother a chance at life no matter who gets the praise for it. Or who does it. If she realizes it and finally does something about it, fine I have no problem. But right now I do. But she is the one that is gonna have to face it before I can take care of him in a few years cuz I know something might happen that will open her eyes. If she gets him the help he needs, then I will leave her alone about it. But right now, I can't just sit back and watch his life pass him by and him be unhappy almost the whole time he lives.

Now that I think about it... maybe you could call the school. I'd go to the director of special education or give him/her a call. Inform them of the situation and ask about the programs available for children with autism. You could then go to your mom with very specific programs that are available. She may be willing to go for it... If not, someone else knows about the situation and may be able to offer support or get involved.

Your mother strikes me as very possibly autistic. It is common for mildly autistic individuals to enter in highly abusive relationships where they are harmed physically and emotionally. Her unusual sleep patterns is also something that is indicative of autism. Also, spending the bulk of her time online says that she does not really feel confident enough to socialize in person with the wider world although she is capable of doing so via the internet; a situation that is similar to what many people on this board live with.

I would urge you to re-read what you have written carefully. Before anything is done it is best to understand yourself. Be brutally honest in the appraisal and do not be afraid to not live up to your own expectations. Human beings are not angels and our desires are often at variance with our value system. You also need to try and understand your mother. Instead of dictating to her what she needs to do, quietly observe how she lives and behaves. If you truly wish to make any progress in solving this difficult problem, knowing how to manage your mother is the most important key.

Autistic or not, it does sound like she needs help. Unfortunately, it sounds like she doesn't want it. I wish there was some advice I could give that hasn't been give here already. But you seem like such a good, caring person that if there is a way to help your brother and your mom, I'm sure you'll find it.

Do you have kids help phone in your country?

It's less severe than calling child services, and they should know what to do.

Your mother is keeping odd hours. It sounds like she is overwhelmed and majorly depressed. She probably does love and care for your brother, but she is doing him a disservice by not keeping regular hours and by not teaching him.

Calling CPS is very risky, in my opinion. They could pursue her for educational neglect and remove your brother from the home. But, where would they place him? Probably, an institution, where there would be no trips to McDonald's, no video recorder for him to play with, and, no school. They would stick him on antipsychotic drugs or whatever they needed to keep him tranquilized. No one would love him.

However, your mom needs some help. I suggest you find other homeschooling moms in your area. People who are homeschooling an autistic child might be able to get through to your mother. If you were local to me, I would help.

I think your mother is depressed and I agree that it would be better to turn to the school or to an autism organization in the first instance. That way, if it does become a legal matter later you'll have someone on your side.

You're doing a good job.