How to help an Aspie feel more comfortable....

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May help if you set next to him and not across from him. I find I'm always more comfortable like that.

TallyMan- that's funny, my wife and I used to do that often, we used to have a pub that we liked to go to, off the beaten path, but then we moved so we're pretty much home bodies now

Sometimes there is nothing you can do to make an Aspie more comfortable. Though I would suggest looking at the environment you are in to see if that is overstimming him. A lot of us have issues with too much lighting or noise or people sitting too close to us. I know I prefer to hang out with my friends one on one instead of in groups. I get real quiet in group settings, feel awkward and don't know what to say.

For some Aspies, even being with a person they like and in a quiet place can be exhausting if it goes on for too long. Just try to pay attention to how long it takes before the stims start to get worse, and then perhaps wrap up the outing around then.

I think it's pretty neat, sands, that you're making an effort to understand this guy.

A lot of weird aspie behavior is actually completely understandable if you consider how it comes about. I don't know about this particular guy's background, so keep in mind that some of this may not apply.

Aspies aren't able to perceive non-verbal communication from others, and the non-verbal communication we inadvertently transmit has nothing to do with what we're actually thinking and feeling. In any social interaction situation an aspie has no way of knowing what's actually going on, what they're expected to do, or what they're doing wrong.

The experience might be compared to walking blindfolded through a minefield. Yes, there is some stress involved.

Imagine the hypothetical case of a person who is disliked, disrespected, and thought to be stupid by, say, 95 percent of the people they encounter. Not just meet, encounter. It's incredible how quickly people pick up on the fact that there's something about the aspie that isn't right.

If something happens 95 percent of the time, and the person is concerned it might happen again, that isn't exactly paranoia.

I'm not saying you're that way, but it's likely that in his life you're an extremely rare event.

When somebody does appreciate an aspie, it's normal for their friends and family to be telling them the aspie's a total doorknob and they shouldn't waste time with the aspie. People often start to believe something when they hear it all the time, peer pressure doesn't vanish when people graduate from high school, and being friends with an aspie isn't considered cool.

So it's very likely that your friend has been betrayed many times by people he thought he could trust and because of that, he's figuring you're likely to do the same thing.

I'm not saying you will, but it would be surprising if he wasn't concerned that you will end up dumping him in the garbage or turning against him, leaving him with no idea what just happened.

A universal characteristic of aspergers is obsessive interests, often in obscure topics. An aspie might be obsessively interested in anything, there's just no telling. Depending on what his interests are, you might be able to do things with him or go places that involve his interests. For an aspie, this is the most comfortable setting imaginable.

It's something most people take for granted, being in a situation where he actually understands what's going on.

If there's time or travel or trouble getting there, he won't mind a bit.

A lot of people don't understand this, but our interests aren't just interests, they're things that we deeply love. I don't know about this particular guy, but a lot of us go through life without ever getting the chance to share these things with anybody else.

I think the NT benefits from sitting side by side too. That way you can concentrate on the conversation of your friend and avoid depending on social cues. I have learnt that it is the words that count and I deliberately do not look at the aspie speaker.

I appreciate all who have answered this. The help means a lot. The person knows that I'm not going any place because it was me who first suggested to him that perhaps he had Aspergers. (It was later confirmed by a professional.) I probably have around twenty books in my collection on dealing with Aspergers's characteristics. I'm always searching for new ways to make life easier on him. I have a lot of respect for this person and he is aware of how I feel about him. I did take him to a place of special interest to him. (We both like a lot of the same things and we both have a thing for book stores.) He was some what uncomfortable there, but the stims really began when we ended up at the restaurant. (He's stims are jerky body movements, especially involving the upper body. And unique facial expressions.) I know he doesn't read faces and I've actually read my face for him before. He was amazed that so much could be learned from just looking at a face. When it comes to something that I'm aware I know more about I always try to explain it to him and when it comes to something he knows more about I'm always more than glad when he helps. (When it comes to dealing with people I usually have the advice and when it comes to factual stuff he usually provides it.) I know he has trust issues and I'm sure that people have not always been kind to him, but I see more to him than most people do. He's backwards because of Aspergers, but he really has a good heart inside. He's the one person (besides my family) that if I called him and needed him, he would be right there. To me that makes him priceless. That's the reason that seeing that he gets comfortable is very important to me.

I know that I find "first times somewhere" very stressful indeed. Yesterday I went out for the first time to a new place with a lot of people I hadn't met before. I couldn't manage more than a short amount of conversation with people before having to find my own 'space' and do something less stressful for a while.

I also agree with the comment earlier in this thread about worrying when NT people start changing their behaviour to fit in with my needs without telling me. I'm not sure if they're being respectful of me, or whether I've offended them and that this is why they're not trying shake hands/look at me/talk to me a lot.

If I read this right, you started off in a bookstore, then ended up in a restaurant? If so, that's a huge amount of socialising, even if part of it was something he enjoys as a hobby. I'd have been asleep in the soup through stress, even if I thought you were the best friend in the world.

I'd suggest you ask him what would help. He can explain his needs and worries better than any of us here, perhaps?