07 May 2008, 5:59 pm
He asked me to do things a few times, and I found the invitations unusual. I was mad, actually: Why was he asking me to do things when clearly he has no attraction to me. "This is just going to get me in emotional trouble!" I thought. We see each other a lot among friends. Have emailed a few times about personal things and went out once. I don't think it was really a date and he seemed irritable a good part of the time.
But there is something compelling about him for me. And one day I just realized I was attracted to him and didn't know where it came from. He agrees to be friends and his hello and goodbye hugs seem genuine. But he's clear to draw the line there. And of course he doesn't make much time for people, so I won't see him much one-on-one, if ever. Depends on how the wind blows.
I think part of me is getting in touch with whatever percentage of Aspie I have inside myself. It's hard for me to make friends too. And I'm a writer for an engineering firm. I practice Zen meditation to try to develop my right brain--and can do that with effort. I'm gruff with people a lot, but I have a lot of compassion inside me when I feel you're safe somehow.
I wish I could make him happy, but I just don't do it for him. Bottom line: I'm very happy to be his friend and would like to be a good friend to him. So I want to find out for sure if he has Aspergers, and if so know more about it. I'm 55. I'm guessing he's around 50. I look young for my age, but no dice, is no dice. Being friends is hard and you want to protect yourself from emotional hurt, which can come out wrong sometimes.
The good news: I thought I was washed up at 55--had no interest in men, but now I know I do. So I'm grateful for that. And now I know that because I'm not attracted to someone at first sight, doesn't mean I won't be later. Also, there's a whole world of "sleepers" out there--Aspies who may be awkward socially, but would value friendship or more from someone who would sincerely try to know them for who they are. Any random words of encouragement are appreciated.
Annie,
Dress more feminine when around him (I assume you wear traditional clothes at work). If you want him to discover you as more than a friend. So when you are at work and especially when you two go out together, put some thought into how you want to look. You could even ask if he likes your new blouse, new perfume etc...things that would kind of trigger him to think of more than you as a generic friend. Nothing distasteful of course. It's so cute, this story! I wish you all the best
I'm not sure what he likes, so I've been trying different things to see if I get a response. He seems to look. I'm more a jeans person. But I got a bunch of nice blouses, very feminine and some just a little bit low cut--and a push up bra
. I could have sworn I saw him lean over just a tad to get a better look, but I could have been imaging it. Not sure. He seems to notice some of these things, as it gets warmer and the sandals come out and I have my toe nails manicured and painted.... Las week I wore a combination of tom boy and femine. We both like to hike, so I wore vintage men's jeans with the retro worn out look an holes too big so they were low on my hips, boots, and then a femine low-cut top.
Thanks for your tips.
07 May 2008, 5:59 pm
07 May 2008, 6:00 pm
07 May 2008, 6:02 pm
and be like oh ok..i would be completely difrent for few days after that oneI've ventured a few questions lately, and we seem to have survived on a good note as friends, so I think you're right. I won't ask about things or be too aggressive for a bit. Let him recover. He said things were "too fast...NOT THAT IT's GOING ANYWHERE!" So I need to take it easy on him.
07 May 2008, 6:06 pm
If you really want an Aspie's attention and REALLY want to tell them you like them then you can't hint around and play games like the average NT does. You flat out say "Hey I am very attracted to you", "You're sexy", "I want to date you", etc.
It is the only way to get the point across if he's truly Aspie.Yes. I told him I think he is attractive. He knows I do. He's had to slow me down. So, it seems to me I just have to let him have the ball now. When we had a party at my house, I was really happy that he felt safe enough to come into my room to fix something on my computer. Of course, he left immediately afterwards, but he's the only guy who comes into my room. My male housemates even only stand at the door sometimes. But maybe I'm making too much of that.
Thanks for your comments.
07 May 2008, 6:10 pm
07 May 2008, 6:19 pm
08 May 2008, 10:47 am
08 May 2008, 11:20 am
Thanks, Priscilla.
"I am an NT woman (59 years old), but have been reading this forum for several months."
You seem to have some insight. Are you involved with an Aspie, a caring professional.....?" We're close to the same age, I'm 55.
"Because of the tendency to take things literally and to not pick up on subtleties, it is possible that he took that to mean he should forget about what you had said earlier;. ie; the friendship statement may have canceled out the "I like you" statement. made earlier. When he said he doesn't usually make time for friends that is what made me think of this - that he may think that now that you figured out something about him -that ALL you want is to JUST be friends."
Priscilla, it's like a guessing game! I am trying to do what makes him happy. He said "No Romance!" He said, "I don't know if I can ever reciprocate the feelings that you obviously have for me....This is going to fast." And he quickly added...."NOT THAT IT's GOING ANYWHERE!! !!" He says that he doesn't want to disappoint me. So I feel uninvited to express how much I LOVE! him--or at least the him I know so far and want to get to know better. When I went out with him, it seemed to me he was annoyed because I was always leaning towards him and walking close to him, and he wants to keep it at friends. We went to the beach and he fell asleep and my fingers were touching his shorts and I asked him to put lotion on my shoulders. I had the feeling that he did it begrudgingly. I'm not sure. When he hugs me, he does the lean the shoulders towards me with the "crucial" parts (butt out) away from me, making it clear that this is strictly a friendly hug.
"So I would suggest that you clarify and make it very clear that you mean friendship first but that you would like to get to know him better and see if the two of you might be able to take it further." I'm afraid this will scare him and turn him off. I
"I 'get real' with people right away and if they can't handle it or reply with smalltalk - I don't bother. Life is too short."
I am usually the same way, but when we went out alone, he was uncomfortable and the conversation didn't run smoothly like it does for me with most people. (At the last minute before we went out, he said "If other people want to come, they can come too.") So I kind of had to interview him, "So tell me about your foot injury." (A big issue in his life lately.) Got a couple sentences on that. "Where would you live if it weren't for your job here?" (Couple sentences.) "What are your politics?"....
I don't know when I'll see him next. I live in a meditation community and he comes a couple times a month for meditation. Afterwards, we all have tea together. I'm wearing black robes, very nondescript. Over the years we have all become friends and do things together otherwise. When we are in a group, we all laugh and relax and talk freely.
"Sharing interests means to speak with focus and intensity about the things that are most important, meaningful or exciting for you. For me that means talking about issues I am dealing with in my life, or exciting things I am studying about - psychology, brain studies...." We both love to hike and do the Lindy Hop (swing dancing), but he has had a foot injury. He had invited me hiking, but couldn't go because of his foot. Two weeks ago he told me he tried hiking for 7 miles and his foot didn't hurt, but he didn't invite me. So I went the next weekend and consoled myself by taking myself hiking. He loves his job, so I tried to get him to talk about it. I like to talk about my job too at an engineering firm. He's an engineer, so he's free to do that, but maybe I talked too much about mine and didn't invite him to talk about his enough. (I have my issues too.) I'll try again, next time I have a chance. I believe there is a way in, but I just haven't found it yet.
"I agree with those who are saying that your feelings about him are very sweet and you seem like a wonderful caring person." Thank you. I ain't practicing Zen for nothing. As the Dalai Lama says, "My religion is kindness."
"My Best Wishes to You!" Thank you. You too
Annie
08 May 2008, 9:01 pm
14 May 2008, 6:54 am
14 May 2008, 9:59 am
14 May 2008, 11:43 am
18 May 2008, 11:34 am
18 May 2008, 2:59 pm
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