16 May 2008, 6:30 am
ouinon wrote:
SotiCoto wrote:
Why did you breed if you weren't ready for it?
I was 35 years old.
It was the first time in my life that I had ever enjoyed, as in been turned-on by, ( rather than affectionately/passively tolerating) , penetrative sex.
I lack the cognitive skills, like many AS, to imagine the "real" reality of future events. I imagined motherhood as all animal naturalness; breastfeeding on demand, ( which i almost managed in fact after a slow start though because plagued by my own conditioning to feeds every 4/5 hours, which meant the rhythm/connection was never completely natural) , child sleeping in same bed, ( whereas being highly sensitive to sound and physical contact I simply couldn't sleep with baby in bed with me; I didn't know then that I was AS ), carrying my child as easily as my body, ( whereas hypothyroid condition from youth means I actually have little arm strength and carrying my child was harder for me than most), early and easy toilet training, ( it actually took till he was 5 years old, because he is AS too), and of course I imagined a child sleeping through the night as a result of all this naturalness, ( whereas he didn't sleep through the night until he was two because it took us that long to realise that he had coeliac disease and was being woken up every couple of hours by pain in his guts from gluten's inflammatory effect on the membrane).
I was fit and sun-relaxed and optimistic after a summer working on farms and hitching around France , climbing trees to collect apples and pears, climbing mountains after goats, and eating fresh salad, fruit, fish, not smoking, probably in the best shape i have ever been to have a child.
I would never have been "ready". What's "ready" anyway? I am AS; it was always going to be difficult.
I totally agree with this. I dont think anyone can ever be fully ready to have a kid. They are so unpredictable anyway that most NTs even have breakdowns sometimes. A kid is a huge responsibility, and there will always be things that just happen.
Having a kid will always be a big change. Most people (yes even NTs) will imagine it being rather different than what it really is. I know this cause i used to visit babyforums online and i saw posts everywhere that described frustration and also anxiety. Its hard getting a life to take care of like this. It doesnt really matter if you're "normal" or not, it will still be hard.
sartresue
Veteran
Joined: 18 Dec 2007
Age: 70
Gender: Female
Posts: 6,313
Location: The Castle of Shock and Awe-tism
16 May 2008, 7:06 am
ASparents topic
I have been a parent for 34 years and it has been difficult everyday. My children do keep me grounded which has always been a great benefit. I do not understand their NTness, and this has always been a source of conflict, but I have never regretted having children. But I make a terrible spouse, and the only reason I stayed as long as I did with the fathers of my children as long as I did was of the mistaken belief that they needed a father. I believed all the hype. My younger two are in their teens and presently live with their father but after he fails to pay the rent they will see how irresponsible he is and come to stay with me. 
16 May 2008, 11:01 am
16 May 2008, 12:35 pm
Beenthere wrote:
As soon as my son was born I was expected to start arranging play dates, parties, line up for volunteering at the school, and join the PTA...plus hang out with the soccer moms and get him interested in sports.
Needless to say I fell flat at all of this. I'm an aspie with sensory issues...get me in a room with 20 kids and 5 minutes later I'm running for the door.
My husband was very social, I am not....he owned a business where he put in 6 days a week and worked long hours, he was never home...so this was all MY job...socializing, parties, etc. I am an aspie who was raised by 2 aspie parents, in a house full of combined collections in the middle of nowhere...I never knew there was "another side" to raising a child so to speak.
My husband (ex-husband now) laid some enormous guilt trips on me every time I was unable to "perform" to his standards. I laid on a few enormous guilt trips to myself also.
My son likes video games, computers, couldn't care less about sports, and doesn't like parties...according to my ex...I've "made" him this way, it's "my fault", I could have "changed"....I'll probably hear that until I leave this planet for the next life.
Yeah, I have my doubts, I have my regrets, but anymore they have nothing to do with my son, he is the one thing I don't regret...I know that I'm different, I can't change that...heaven knows I spent years trying to "fit in". Like sartresue...I believed in the traditional family unit...I held on to something not worth hanging on to for far too long. I'm different, I'll never match up to some of the other NT parents in some aspects...but in some aspects they'll never match up to me either.
Needless to say I fell flat at all of this. I'm an aspie with sensory issues...get me in a room with 20 kids and 5 minutes later I'm running for the door.
My husband was very social, I am not....he owned a business where he put in 6 days a week and worked long hours, he was never home...so this was all MY job...socializing, parties, etc. I am an aspie who was raised by 2 aspie parents, in a house full of combined collections in the middle of nowhere...I never knew there was "another side" to raising a child so to speak.
My husband (ex-husband now) laid some enormous guilt trips on me every time I was unable to "perform" to his standards. I laid on a few enormous guilt trips to myself also.
My son likes video games, computers, couldn't care less about sports, and doesn't like parties...according to my ex...I've "made" him this way, it's "my fault", I could have "changed"....I'll probably hear that until I leave this planet for the next life.
Yeah, I have my doubts, I have my regrets, but anymore they have nothing to do with my son, he is the one thing I don't regret...I know that I'm different, I can't change that...heaven knows I spent years trying to "fit in". Like sartresue...I believed in the traditional family unit...I held on to something not worth hanging on to for far too long. I'm different, I'll never match up to some of the other NT parents in some aspects...but in some aspects they'll never match up to me either.
Thanks Beenthere and sartresue!
You touched on a lot of the issues i have myself Beenthere. My bf also gives me some huge guilt trips sometimes. And i also do it myself. But thats mostly about chores around the house, he can understand the social aspects i struggle with. I guess thats cause hes diagnosed with AVPD. Anyway, i feel horrible sometimes when i dont fit the "standard" parenting picture. I mean, i take good care of my daughter, but in some areas i might have been better. Like with going out or getting all the cores done all the time.
As for raising her, i try to make her social in the way i can. Ill be carefull with my black and white opinions around her, try to make her see that people are very good (although thats not my personal belief) and ill try to have her socialize and become a confident grown woman. Who hopefully wont go through all the crap i did when i was younger. Im terrified she will end up like me (without friends etc) but on the other hand im also terrified she will end up a typical teen. Wearing all the latest trends, talking bout boys and makeup all the time. I wouldnt know what to talk to her about then
I appreciate all the comments ive recieved on this post, it makes me feel better. All in all, i just want my daughter to have a better life than ive had myself. And ill do anything to accomplish that.
