Grudge againts parents?

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My parents did a lot of things wrong, and I'd still like to see my dad (and others) go to jail, but surprisingly, this is one area I don't hold a grudge.

1. My mom actually did notice something was wrong, and kept asking my teachers if I had any friends. She didn't know what to do about it. Nobody did. There was nothing she or anyone could really do with the resources at hand. Besides, she herself had had major problems when she was in school because she was exceptionally gifted (as I am) and seriously emotionally immature, so she knew what it was like to be a freak. So I was allowed to have problems and acknowledge them (no denial). That helps.

2. I was severely abused, but so were others, and I know that had nothing to do with being autistic, so it's separate.

My grudges are against the idiocy of social Darwinism, which would probably have a negative impact on me even if I weren't autistic.

definitely!
i hate their guts.

Yes yes, very much so. But in my anger I have also found that they have serious problems of their own.

I'm afraid I do, but not specifically for AS. After all, most people at the time (1970s) wouldn't have recognized it in a child.

To be honest, though, it wouldn't surprise me if my mother had been told I had 'something' different about me and chosen to ignore that. I was put in special ed for a short while at around age 6, although the exact reasons why aren't clear to me now, but the few times I've questioned my mother about it she says I was just 'naughty' and needed to 'calm down'. She's always treated most of my personality traits, AS or not, as deliberate failures on my behalf, so I'm guessing that if she'd been told I might have anything wrong with me, she'd figure I could just have it disciplined out of me. And, there being anything 'different' about me would have been shameful and covered up. There are a lot of other skeletons in our family closet that didn't come out till years later, and I wouldn't be surprised if one day I discovered something that proves this was another of them.

Also, I'm not with the 1930s eugenicists who said people with 'insanity' (then a blanket term for any mental disorder) shouldn't have kids, but I'm very definitely in favor of anyone who does suffer from psychological disorders being encouraged to seek help with them before they try to raise a family. My mother has had, at the very least, untreated depression, chronic anxiety and OCD over the years, and her strict and chilly family of origin encouraged her to see many of the associated behaviors as 'normal'. This stuff in a parent is hard enough for an NT child to deal with, but if you're an AS child it means you can end up with a very strange idea of what normal human interaction means.

Really, I'm begrudging not my personal childhood, but a whole attitude of 'leave families to themselves, they know what they're doing'. Um, no, not always, they don't!

ouinon - kudos for mentioning John Holt. I don't know a great deal about his educational work, but I'm a fan purely on the basis of 'Never Too Late', because I also started playing the 'cello late in life, and in a world where many people think you need to start by age 3 to be any good at classical music, I've found him very encouraging!

Oh, please, don't get me started! Would you like a list?

Well, firstly there's the fact that, seeming because I have AS, that gives them the right to treat me like I have a mild form of congenital retardation. Next, we have the fact that they always seem to know what little things to bring up which can theoretically make me go into meltdown mode. Then, we have the fact that both of them absolutely did NOT approve of my ex-girlfriend, thinking that I was PURELY in it for the sex; my dad even said that I was so gullible that she was leading me around by my 'you-know-what'! F**K!

Personally, I think this grudge will only dissipate under 2 circumstances;

1.) When I finally fricking move out of this house to freedom, and my own assisted living apartment.

or 2.) One, or preferably both, of them dies.

I'd prefer the latter, personally. But if option 1 comes first, oh well, nobody's perfect.

I don't resent my mother, her attitude was "that's just Rachel", and she always accepted me.
My father is a different story, his view of me has always been "stupid, lazy, and being weird on purpose just to annoy me".

I think the only thing that really bothers me is that my dad seems to still think that someday (even though I'm almost 40) I'm just going to wake up and not be weird. I don't think that's ever going to happen, and I wish he'd stop thinking that it might.

My mom's been more accepting now that I'm an adult and she sees that it didn't affect me being a good parent to my own child (who is also AS). I think that's what she worried about. She also stressed about me being weird because she was weird and it was awful for her. It was pretty awful for me too, but I just kinna got past it. I figured out how to be an okay person and fairly functioning in spite of the weirdity. I don't think that my dad really sees that I'm okay. He can't get past the weirdity. It makes our relationship pretty stressed alot.

I hold a grudge against both of my parents for pushing their f*****g issues on me. It was their divorce, not mine, why should I have to suffer because of it?

I hated the fact that everytime my dad came around, it'd be a big issue and crap and he'd tell us how hard it was on him to do it and everything.

I hate the fact that they both would say so many things that hurt so much, and I could remember to this day, but a few hours after each thing they'd just say "I'm sorry for yelling at you." Like that's gonna make anything better.

I hate the fact that they both are overtly religious people, and my mom majored in Psycology, yet both don't want me taking any meds for my problems (like Celexa, with mild side effects). Both think some BS prayer and yoga and crap will make me "more normal".


I think once I'm out of here and in college, I'll definitely seek out the help I need. And am I the only one who doesn't really want to have kids? Or get married? I would like to have a girlfriend, but I think I'm too far gone to ever be involved in a typical relationship.

I definitely wonder how my parents couldn't have seen a difference in me. But looking back on it at this point, they're both a little different themselves. That's probably why.

Well, I wish they didn't throw me to so many spiritual camps and frigging parties. I don't really like how my mom is like a radar active to find people that know me, can't she notice I am avoiding them? err. Grudge? err no.

Perhaps in fact all the terrible experiences they have caused me really made me a better person, I have no idea though, but I have no way to prove otherwise. I also know their intentions were right, if going to those camps would have really cured my lack of "socializability" I would have probably have had an easier life right now, even though it would have been less exciting since I wouldn't have time for all the programming I do.

I guess I have a grudge against my father. He spanked me A LOT when I was too young to resist and fight back. I didn't behave properly and often got into trouble at school, which I would always get punished for. But I rarely understood what I had done wrong. When i eventually got both bigger and stronger than him, he instead just kept trying to chance the way I behaved. Don't know if he thought he could "fix" me by just keep criticizing what he didn't like about my behavior. But it has only made me hate him more.

I've been holding a grudge against my father, for a very long time. He told me that I will never be able to do the things that most people can do, and part of it was because I had a Learning Disability according to the North American definition of the term. I hope that he's satisfied that his first-born daughter is an unemployed punker. I was an unemployed hippie, 14 years ago.

I used to hold a grudge against my mother when I was 12 because I thought she let all the kids bully me and treat me bad. She did let bad kids into our home. She only did that because they were the only kids my brother had to play with and she didn't want him to be isolated so she let them play with him. Same reason why she let the other kids play with me even though they were mean to me. She wanted me to be happy, didn't want me to be alone, she wanted me to develop social skills, communication. Wanted me to learn how to be with people and interact. She still sent them home when they make me feel bad but she always gave them another chance every time they came over. I was unaware of how they were treating me anyway. They were using me.


Parents can't keep all bullies away from their kids. They don't have those superpowers and they aren't magic. Besides what did I expect? Her be with me in school to keep mean kids away from me, follow me around in the house or neighborhood? No parent does that. What they can do instead is teach their kids how to stand up for themselves, how to defend themselves without getting in trouble, do combats, how to ignore it and tell them all about bullying and why it's done. I had to learn all about them by reading articles about them and being told by my school counselor and shrink.

i get fed up alot of the time with my mother...

she constantly brings up how 'everyone' else does 'this' and you should too!! -- well look at that woman over there - why cant you be like her?? (and she'll be pointing at a fashionable young lady whos slim and wearing make up and chatting on her cell phone or to friends)

i wish she would realize that i am an individual and am happy that way... i have a boyfriend and i have online friends (whom she doesnt consider friends) i have my own dress style that is very excentric and out of place with others around me- which makes alot of people look at me in the street - which i like... but she doesnt and doesnt think its right
shes not happy with obsessions - whatever they have been... ive had obsessions since i was 3- and they were accepted until the age of 14 - then suddenly they werent because the object changed from a toy or stuffed animal to a drum kit - and then to flags- and this i find hard to accept and understand - why i was allowed to be me as a child but as i grew up it suddenly wasnt allowed and i should just fit in with everybody else.

i did for a time try to fit itn with others - but i was still bullied,at school, my mom still nagged at me and shouted at me and compared me to other people and nothing changed apart from me being miserbale..
then one day i decided.... screw it! im going to be me ... i want to be happy! and i decided to opt out of fashion and other things that made me feel unhappy.

i thought mine and my moms relationship would improve once i moved out... but i moved out 4 months ago and nothing really has changed between us.. she still wont accept me. so really i dont know what to do.