Someone ripped into me on another site. Read what he said!

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I expressed my feelings about exotic animals here and a pair of jerks decided to rip in to me as if there would never be a chance to use a person as a punching bag again. I know how you feel. Some people just like to hurt people and will use any excuse.

A ripping FIEND topic

Reads like he is a whiny little assflake from Autism Speaks who should go piss up a rope.

It would be interesting to hear more of the context in which the statement occurred because, quite honestly, I don't see it as ripping into you. The last sentence is a simple acknowledge that the poster is having trouble feeling connected to you. Well, that happens all the time. You don't HAVE to be connected to everyone who come in contact with. Not even NT's are. Even though I know many of the communities I belong to consider me a valued member and very fair poster, most members would still say that they don't feel particularly "connected" to me. Apparently I'm a tough one to get to know as far as feeling super close goes. It's just who I am. I'm not going to fret about it. I don't feel the need to have 20 close on-line friends. I like floating around and just joining conversations that interest me at the moment.

The first sentence has me wondering if he meant to imply that he didn't find your posting style respectful and kind. Well, honestly, that wouldn't shock me: Aspies can appear very blunt to the NT world, to the point of being mistaken for rude. It isn't about trying harder in these areas as much as learning that some observations are better left unsaid, no matter how accurate they are. If I had to pick the one trait Aspies seem to be missing, that most impairs how they are perceived by others, that would probably be it. Perhaps it comes from an over-eagerness to contribute something to the conversation, I'm not sure. It would be a valuable thing to learn however, the old saying "if you can't say anything positive, then don't say anything at all." And accurately understanding what will and won't be viewed as a "positive" observation.

Mostly, I would say don't let those sorts of comments get to you. If the poster had meant to rip into you, harsher language would have been used. Instead it sounds more like he was trying to explain why he didn't feel close. We can only be close to a few people in our lives; so it shouldn't be a big deal. Take it for what it is, learn from it, and move on. Post where you feel valued, and work on knowing when to stay quiet.

If there is more that you haven't shared that would explain better why it upset you, please share, and we'll see if we can help you work through it.

What kind of web community forces you to create connections with other members?

I don't know Mw99 do you honestly believe you fail at life or react strongly to criticism?

I react harshly to criticism and if someone posted that to me my feelings would be hurt I would react same as you.

I also would take that one criticism and apply it to every aspect of my life much like you are doing in this post.

We should both have more self confidence and self esteem but it's not easy.

It does sound like a self esteem issue. I hope you don't mind my saying that. I may have been too light about it in my earlier post but, honestly, I don't think the poster was trying to upset you, just note a disconnect. And disconnects happen.

In an ideal world we would all feel admired by everyone around us. Or is that really an ideal world? I'm not so sure.

It's important to understand your own strengths and give yourself credit for them. Then ignore your weaknesses. To the extent you have the opportunity to work on a weakness that you feel impairs your life, definitely do so, but not all weaknesses rise to that level.

Do you need to feel respected by everyone you post with? Maybe you don't.

And it does NOT reflect on the rest of your life, just your ability to fit in with one group of people in a particular medium. On the internet no one can see your difficulty expressing yourself, there isn't that softening factor. In real life there is. Kind people will allow for it.

As for real life, I think it is important to treat all people with respect and politeness, including most who haven't earned it and won't return it. It just makes one feel better to interact that way, to start from a positive platform, and it makes life nicer for everyone. But you don't have to try to connect with everyone. You don't have to reach out to everyone. Only when you have a particular desire to.

I should go back an reread the original post ... I do NOT think that one comment from an internet poster should be extended to the rest of your life, but I need to look more at your comment to explain why. And right now my kids are telling me that we've got to get out of the house ... hopefully I can come back later. Assuming you wish me to.

I JUST FIGURE THAT ANYTHING WORTH HAVING IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY, INCLUDING THE BENEFITS OF CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM. AS A MATTER OF FACT, SINCE I AM A PERFECTIONIST, FEEL FREE TO POINT OUT FAULTS OF MINE.

The answer to your question is an emphatic "no." While the most positive NT relationships are built on trust and kindness (knowledge really isn't required, IMHO), plenty of NT relationships are built on status, perception, fear and other less than positive foundations. Movies like Mean Girls, about mean popular girls, wouldn't be so interesting if they didn't carry a foundation of truth. Relationships can be built on all sorts of platforms, for better or for worse. So lacking interest in one particular way of building relationships can hardly make one fail at life.

Social relationships in the NT world also come in various level. Friendly working relationships, acquaintances, close friends, etc. Many of those relationships change as the life situation and needs of the people change. It's all constantly in flux.

And THAT, the constant flux, lack of consistency in how a relationship can be defined or in what is expected, is what makes it so difficult for Aspies. There isn't a single formula to be found and applied to all situations. There is no one "rule" that will always work. It's all completely illogical most of the time.

Showing respect for people and being polite is probably the best choice for 90% of life. When you meet people that you would enjoy getting to know better, that make you WANT to build a relationship based on trust and kindness, THEN work on advancing into something more personal, with a stronger foundation. But if those relationships don't interest you, that doesn't have to keep you from succeeding in life. But failing to understand what the other person wants (boss, teacher, etc) - that can create problems.

And, certainly, no one wants to be around someone who throws off negative energy. If you are constantly correcting someone, or complaining to them, they'll grow tired of it. It takes too much energy out of them to deal with it, and it's self-preservation to break off from that. Hopefully you aren't interacting that way; I can't tell without seeing what you've written in that forum.

Aspies are gifted and burdened by thinking outside of the box. You can succeed in life by channeling that into directions where it will be an asset, and either avoiding or adapting for those times it is a burden.

Sorry for rambling. I don't have all the answers, but I hope something I said may have helped.

You don't understand. I am on Mw99's side and can understand where he is coming from.

Alot of NT's say crap like that; but, let's face it, how often do you hear them b***h and moan about the people they supposedly trust behind their backs?

I meant that since the both of you are taking things personally, maybe you should see the crisis as an opportunity to improve, or at least to know what things people are thinking about you. If you react harshly to someone who informed you about yourself, you might discourage them from doing it again. Then you may lose the chance to learn about yourself and not know how to grow as a person.

Don't blame yourself, MW99, this was a polite yet somehow still-snotty remark byanother individual who for some unknown reason decided to inform you in so many words that they just don't see how they could get along with you. I've had similar comments given to me on other NT-heavy forums. Though this person was being polite and matter-of-fact about what he/she said, it was still blunt enough to hurt your feelings. Usually I just put these kind of people on my Ignore List and move on. Don't let other people's opinions define you as a person. If they don't like you, too bad for them. They're missing out, not you.

Good advice, but unfortunately connecting wih other people is one of the major cornerstone 'problems' with AS. It's difficult to tell when someone else is being genuine or sarcastic, or blunt vs. rude. Rather than try to keep sorting it out (resulting in a lot of us banging our heads against a wall because we just simply don't know how to connect), it's better to ignore the other individual and work past it. It's better than making an enemy of them, anyway. Life's too short to waste a lot of time explaining one's self to others who just aren't willing to listen in the first place.

Well, I'm not talking about connecting, distinguishing between good intentions, getting frustrated, ignoring people, making friends, explaining, or being concerned with who's listening. My point is that since life is too short, don't get upset at comments that are informative. In other words, people should do more listening, and less talking.

Yes, I agree, the world would definitely be a much better place if we all did more listening than yakking ceaselessly about ourselves.