What do u understand the term "passive-aggressive"

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Yes. I have seen in my own mind how I jump to the worst conclusions. I don't know if it is true of everyone, but it makes sense in terms of species survival to equip it with a naturally suspicious mind; to be generous by default would drastically lower viability.

It takes some skill to not grasp that first assumption and run with it, instead allowing another possibility to exist.

In some relationships I seem to spend a lot of time simply trying to demonstrate that my actions contain no intended malice

Anyway, it kinda explains some of the problems of human societies.

Passive Aggressive. Sneaky, won't tell you what's bothering them, give guilt trips, aren't usually assertive, social games and sabatoge, can even perceive their own family or spouse as competition that needs to be eliminated etc..

Also, what one may consider "subtle" another also consider "passive-aggressive."

Subtle/Passive-aggressive Criticism: "Some people need to stop picking their nose in public."
Preferred: "YOU need to stop picking your nose in public."

I always thought being subtle/indirect about things like that was being polite, but I guess I was wrong.

(Plus, sometimes people lash out when I'm not even referring to them, so my guess is sometimes it's their knowledge and their own guilt talking.)

There's a snideness behind comments like that if the person is a passive aggressive type.

Renaming your router to "John is a bastard" (assuming you have a problem with a neighbour called John) - there is a whole set of variations on this theme: http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2 ... gressives/

A person who is incapable of being honest, or direct, is frequently passive-aggressive.

"Passive aggressive" is a contradiction of terms, but it makes sense if you consider some real examples of it:

Your examples of being told to clean up a mess and doing a half-ass job, or taking a long shower because you don't really want to go shopping are good ones.

Passive aggression begins with anger, but rather than expressing your anger as anger in typical fashion (screaming, yelling or otherwise throwing a tantrum, or worse yet, physical confrontation), you express it through passive means by simply not doing what is expected, or not doing it to your fullest ability.

Passive aggression sends an "FU" message to the recipient by doing little to nothing rather than overtly displaying your anger. I used to do this in school by handing in blank assignment papers, or papers with two out of a hundred problems completed, and shrugging when the teachers asked, "What is this?"

It's about sending an "I don't give a rat's ass" message, when the truth is, you really do. Passive aggression makes it easier to say afterward, "What's your problem? I didn't do anything!" When the fact is, that is the problem! You didn't DO anything. It's a really sneaky way to cause the other person to display anger in typical fashion so you can claim they are the one who is angry.

Passive aggression is a truly manipulative behavior.

I think people frequently project their thoughts and feelings upon others, perhaps without knowing it, and actively believe it belongs to the other guy instead of themselves. I get this all the time with people who actually think they know what I'm thinking or feeling better than I do myself and refuse to listen even when an explanation has been given. Projection appears to be a common trait among human beings. It would be wonderful if people would start to recognize those things in themselves more readily, first, and stop trying to project their junk and their theories all the time onto others.

Passive-aggressive people are generally not honest to begin with and that's why they resort to those kinds of behaviors. To me, it's the complete opposite of what it means to be autistic.

Just about everyone I know is passive-aggressive, so it might have rubbed off a bit. Passive-Aggressive is when you don't come out and say if you are irritated or angered by something. Instead, you do something that will cause a disruption or inconvenience to express your feelings to someone else. It's an indirect way of communicating which may be confusing to others. Often it's subconscious, so the person being passive aggressive might not even be aware of it.

Passive-aggressive is like not being upfront about your feelings (with a negative feeling like anger). A passive aggressive person will usually drop a lot of tiny comments about how they're feeling, but it's hard to pick up on.

Some people have no clue about Passive/agressive, and just randomly throw it in other people's faces to feel good.

Last edited by LiendaBalla on 23 Sep 2010, 6:47 pm, edited 4 times in total.

It's not surprising you did this as a student. What I've read about passive-aggression is that people resort to it when overt displays of anger are prohibited or punished. It's a way of venting anger when the actual price of coming right out and showing that anger is too high. It has been perfected by women after a few millenia of being socially subordinate in relationships with men. A student is also subordinate to the teacher and can't afford to be openly aggressive. Employees will sometimes be passive-aggressive to bosses if they can do it in a way that can't be labled as a firing offense. In some accounts of slave life, the slaves would do it but they had to be very, very subtle because they would pay the highest price of anybody if called out on it.

That behavior drives me crazy. I don't like it when people are not nice to me and then nice all of a sudden. It drives me insane. That's the only definition of passive aggressive I understand.

I can understand everyone has bad days so they may be nasty with you or rude but then they go back to be nice because they are over it and in a good mood. I don't know if that still be considered passive aggressive. I get bitchy at times due to anxiety and frustrations and stress or when someone makes me angry and I am cranky in the mornings but is that passive aggressive behavior? If so, then I would say everyone is to an extent.

The terminology "Passive-Aggressive" is confusing. It does make it sound as if a person is acting both passively and aggressively (at different times, the way you described), but it's actually at the same time.

If you're being "bitchy" that's just aggressive. Passive aggressive would be like:

You FEEL bitchy, but instead of showing it outright (snapping, arguing etc.), you show it by what you DON'T do.

Some examples are:

"Do your homework!" (but I don't want to and this is pissing me off!)

a) You throw the book on the floor and slam the door. (Aggressive!)

b) You say, "Yeah, fine," then four hours later, it's still not done, or very little of it is. (Passive-aggressive ~ but this is assuming it's purposeful, and assuming you don't really have serious trouble with the homework.)

I think that passive-agressive people come in two categories.

1) A person who hates conflict but is mad with you and expresses the anger in covert ways, though they arent necessarily a malicious person, they are a person who bottles things up and doesnt express anger in an open way.
2) A person who is secretly angry at you and feels malice and is out to get you so does it in little, sneaky ways.

Very uncommon in my family: lots of proper Aggression there... lol

Passive-aggressive basically means that somebody wants to say 'no' but doesn't dare to, and sabotages the situation.
This behavious usually stems from the passive-aggressive person having experienced a number of hurtful situations from which s/he couldn't escape and was powerless to change them directly.
Passive-aggressive behaviour isn't inherently bad. For example - take an oppressed country, of which the inhabitants do not dare to openly oppose their enemy. They use small acts of sabotage instead, making the oppressor lack food all of a sudden. For those weak, oppressed people that kind of behaviour is 'good'.
What's bad is passive-aggressive behaviour paired up with low self-esteem and an avoidant/escapist tendency.
Because that mixture means that the person is very constrained in their behavioural repertoire and is very likely to end up hurting themselves and others.
To say it in other words: Like aggressive behaviour, passive-aggressive behaviour is useful to a certain extent, giving that the people use it because they want to and not because they don't know anything else.
Now, what I think makes out passive-aggressive behaviour is:
-the initial impulse of a person to say no/oppose is inhibited but not changed
-if it's an argument, the person vents on other things or people, attacks using sarcasm or deals out low blows
-if it's an assigned job, the person does is poorly or not at all

For example, some weeks ago I was waiting at the tram stop with my mom, and she'd seen a stranger and suddenly said, really loudly "It doesn't make it any better to paint your lips deep red if you look like you just bit into a lemon."
Loud enough that that woman surely could hear her. Later, my mom explained to me that that woman had looked at her with a really spiteful expression.
So, because my mom said that to me, and not the other woman, that person could not do anything about it. She surely was hurt by that comment, and couldn't fight back because it wasn't aimed directly at her. (I then told my mom that I would not accept myself being used for that kind of thing any more; if she had a problem with somebody she should either address that person directly, or just get over it.)