For those Aspies least affected by social prob, what r they?

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[quote="Spokane_Girl"]All aspies have social problems, even if they love to talk to people.
um no some aspegers like me are pretty much normal with no social problems we still have the speical topics but we keep the on the down low when aroud our freinds i am quite popular know two others kyle smith and eric pusey who are
the same as me very mild aspegers what are parents call aspects of aspergers I know two others that are somewhat okay socially but have they quarks they have the soical skills to have normal converstions but can't stay with one group of freinds for too long then go from group to group until they have had enough socialzing which is after 10 min then they go on the compuitor everyone else I know ether tries to be socal but fails misarablly or they sit with their own kind and don't care ot make freinds iwth normal people but i see where you are coming from it is really rare that they is a cometley social aspegers kid since I only know two others.

Most of my life I had no idea what was happening or why.

Given that, the only choice was to observe, understand, and plan.

The things described in this thread by others, I've experienced too. HOWEVER . . .

Over the years and decades, without really knowing what I was doing, I developed coping mechanisms.

At 17, I began to play guitar. For the simple reason that I loved doing so. Being focused in the typical unearthly way (and PERHAPS having a few gifts . . .) I became good quick. It just so happens, however, that such a skill opens doors. People everywhere I go, recognize what I do and respect it. It's not too far off to say many are awed by it. This means that, generally, I can be as weird/withdrawn/aloof/whatever as I want, and folks will cut me slack. For obviously wrong reasons, they associate the music w/the personality. The downside to all this, and I've expressed this to intimates a very few times over the years, is that I always wonder how I would fare if I did NOT have the musical skills. My last gf, despite her many psychotic aspects (lol) had one good thing to say in that it's moot at this point. Why speculate? I really don't have to be too sociable. I am allowed by the people around me to be myself, and they put up with it. If there is a moral here, and I'm not sure there is really, perhaps it's to find something to focus on that is easily socially integrate-able. Sounds easy, but it might not be.

When young, early 20s, I ran into a situation that HAD to be addressed--the ability to stand up physically to overt aggression. I had a beautiful wife and couldn't afford to back down to intimidation. After some thought about how to deal with the problem, martial arts was the final answer. Once I acquired the skills, it just so happened that confidence, REAL confidence was the unforeseen byproduct. Given what I did every week, the hundreds of bouts, social phobia dropped to a very low priority. It was still there, it still is there now, but KNOWING what you CAN do, knowing what you WILL do, if things turn ugly, this provides a confidence that is REAL and unshakeable. In addition, learned also that sufficient exercise can be a real benefit. It exorcises excess energy/anxiety and makes you look good. All these things helped the social phobia immensely. It wasn't just one thing--it was all these things, and they had a cumulative effect.

My friends have learned that, out of everyone around, (and sometimes there are lots of folks around), that they can always rely on me to shoot straight with them. If they ask me something, I will answer, and that answer will be complete, comprehensive, insightful, direct, uncompromising, and, above all, HONEST. I owe my friends that. Not strangers, mind you, but my friends. If you don't think that this is valuable, you're missing how the NT world functions. Generally, I keep quiet up until asked something, which isn't difficult because when I show up, a guitar is usually shoved into my hands. I don't rattle on about my interests, because I know that even my best friends aren't really capable of contributing anything of value.

Most social skills I have have been acquired through painful trial-and-error methods. Even so, I have developed "mechanical," consciously-affected mannerisms and physical movements that accomplish my purposes. Is it acting? Yes. Does it work? OH yes. There is a repertoire, a catalog, and I draw from that catalog whenever needed. It's NOT natural. It's NOT even normal. My ghod you should SEE how it impacts normal people, lol. But, extreme as some of these things are, they work for me, and that's what matters in the end.

Social skills? I sure don't have them in abundance even now. But I do have quite a few friends, they value me, and I don't have to pretend to be someone I'm not. I have plenty of downtime alone, plenty of friends, a lot of things that I turn down rather than do, and life isn't all that bad. This could be you.

Well, if being in the not sure if I have it or not zone, plus having a decent social life these days qualifies me for answering...

I'm generally comfortable in familiar situtaions, but new situations are a different story. Then I like to be quiet and observe and really am not comfortable with having to socially interact.

Sometimes I don't always get what's going on. I don't get the social rules of the situation. And then feel rather lost.

I both don't like to lie and am not very good at it. Which while that isn't generally a problem, there are times when it is a problem.

I have a tendency sometimes to not pay attention to people. As in, I notice what I'm doing, the interaction, rather than the person I'm interacting with. So sometimes I may not later recognize someone I've interacted with. And because of this, sometimes people who see me as someone familiar, someone they've interacted with or at least seen around a lot, I don't at all recognize them. Also, at work, working at a public service desk, if I have to turn away to do something, or go on the back room, and they move, I'm sometimes not sure what person I was dealing with.

Up to a few years ago, I basically had no friends other than my husband. Sometimes I wonder if the people who I know now, my friends now, what they'd think if they knew that.

I'd say for the most part I do the social thing preaty well. But that's come at a huge cost. Like some others who have posted I had to learn through trial and error. Fortunatly for me, I had a brother (who I think is probably somewhere on the spectrum) who I was able to learn from. He got beat up alot in school, but learned from the experience and was able to teach me to avoid the same fate. Also, my best friend growing up had these rules to follow on how to be "cool." But they were really just how to interact in social situations. He was most likely on the spectrum as well.

However, even with these two very helpful role models, I still slipped up every now and then. One time I found myself listening to a private conversation between three of my aquaintences, and I don't really know why I was listening or even that I shouldn't have been, until one of them turned to me and said, "Excuse me, this is a private conversation." Another time A friend of mine asked me if I thought she was fat, and lets face it, she was fat. I asked her if she really wanted the truth, and she said yes, unfortunatly she didn't really want the truth. She was of course offended, and I was embarassed. Another time I was messing around at work and my boss, who had been joking around with me the whole night, said in the same playful tone he'd been using, "You're not working fast enough." Honestly, I was working my ass off, that job was the worst I've ever had, but any way I said sort of sarcasticaly "Oh yeah, work harder." Then he got serious and said "No. You really need to work faster." I was so upset I couldn't talk to anyone that whole night. I didn't show up to work the next day, for that and many other reasons, but that was the last straw.

Any way those are just some of the ones that I remember, I know that there are others. I'd say the biggest problem that I have is saying or doing something without thinking it through, but then of course, if I thought everything through before I did it, I wouldn't appear naturaly spontainious and I'd look weird in that way. So, it's a catch 22. I guess I've just learned to live with making an ass out of myself sometimes, and my good friends know that I don't really mean most of the crazy s**t that comes out of my mouth, at least not in the way that an NT would mean it.

I don't know if I am AS.

However, my biggest problem (or, at least, what I consider my biggest problem*) is my almost total incapacity in sustaining a conversation. Most of the time, does not occur nothing in my mind to say.

I remember that, in eight grade, one of my teatchers called me at the classroom (during a break) and ask me "Why you don't talk with the other kids?", I replied "I don't have anything to say", but he didn't believe in me and continue asking "No, we have always something to say. Why you don't talk with them?".

Apperently, the idea that someone can "not have anything to say" is strange to most people.

*specially at dates or job interviews

I am not sure anyone with AS would be able to tell, they/I would only be able to say that some of the feedback they/I get suggests failing in some areas.

I was always sure that all was well and normal until my formal diagnosis despite comments about my outspokenness, rudeness and other remarks like that. Also comments about being too quiet, too chatty, too loud and so on, now being that things like this are subjective, how is one supposed to be able to tell its about their own mistakes and not just someone being mean.



The world is a bloody mystery to me sometimes

I agree with Kaleido. Aspies are less aspies when they are with people they are comfortable with. They open up more so they socialize more and share interests, are less withdrawn, they might do eye contact (might not be looking at their eyes), are more flexible.


Based on what I've seen with my own aspies friends online and myself and my ex, they seem less aspie because they are with people they can trust. I am fine with my parents and I don't mind hanging out with my relatives when they visit. I just hang out and I don't have to talk.
That's probably why aspies become fine parents because they love their kids so much, they are able to be flexible and not have it be a problem, they socialize with them because they are not their peers and of course understand them.

One occasional problem is my lack of ability at hierarchical social thinking. It just doesn't work for me. Most of the time this isn't a problem. It's even a good thing, in a way. It fits with my values and makes it easy to live out those values. But there are occasionally times when this lack of ability causes me problems. And it's like, I can't on occasion choose to make an exception and play by those hierarchical rules because I just don't have the ability.

I can make friends, but have an extremely hard time "maintaining" a friendship. I get lost in other things, pursuits, hobbies...and basically drop off the face of the earth, until I grow bored, change interests, or come out of my obsessive self-induced "coma".

I can also be quite blunt, and have a hard time with offering emotional support or dealing with the emotions of others during a crisis. I can empathize mentally, just not express it physically very well.

I don't enjoy parties, clubs, group get-togethers...things like that that others find fun, I find very stressful and not very enjoyable at all because of sensory issues.