confrontation and being told off (a huge phobia of it)

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I hate being criticised, and I hate having to criticise others. I'll do anything, even contemplate suicide, to avoid a confrontation.

That sounds wonderful. I would love to live among robots, even if they corrected me all the time, because I would know that no emotions are involved.

That should read "original 1944 paper", by the way. Don't worry, I'm a robot.

I realized long ago that if I don't stand up for myself or if I allow others to be wrongly treated, it eats away at me. Also, the rude person needs to be told that what they did not go unrecognized so they aren't so willing to hurt another person.

There is a way to confront people that is not argumentative. Be non emotional and realize that no one is perfect.
It's much nicer to clear the air than pretend like nothing happened and hold a grudge.

I too hate confrontation. I've barely spoken to my father for the past 20 years because every conversation we had consisted of him telling me what I was doing wrong. (With my life, with my money, with ambition or lack thereof, even with my laughter...) I don't know what happened but about three months ago he suddenly decided he wanted a relationship with me, much to my surprise, and our conversations have been neutral to pleasant since then. I'm still bewildered as to WHY he suddenly wants a good relationship with me, since my baby sister (seriously, she's younger than my own children) is everything I'll never be, but people confound me most of the time.

Yes, being criticized, either justly or unjustly, bogs down my thinking processes for at least a day and often more. Worst of all is when you try to explain that you need specifics so that you don't make the same mistake again and you get accused of justifying yourself or making excuses. That makes me almost incoherent with anger. But I will speak up, either then and there or in writing after I've calmed down some. In fairness to others, though, I have to say that I really think that they not only don't understand, I don't think they CAN understand. We baffle people who have never had to struggle their way through our sort of convoluted thinking. It's kind of like asking someone who is color blind to choose between the lavender and the lilac.

For the most part I also hate it. Thats why I used to hide my poor grades from my parents back in the old days (and who didn't?? unless they truly did get straight A's or B's). However, if I am in a bad mood and have been rubbed the wrong way, then watch out.

And by the way what do you know about education. have you been reading anything at all about it. Well at least I know you havent read asperger s paper..

For me, being told off is understandable if you've made a mistake. I have made a few silly little mistakes at work lately, and had a talking-to from my boss. On the phone she was extremely angry. I owned up to my mistake, and apologized, won't happen again, etc, but for some reason that didn't do. I felt like saying "What do you want me to do?"

As for reactions, I will sometimes 'protest too much' to anyone who'll pretend to listen, or just bottle it all up. During the telling-off, I am usually over-polite, conciliatory, totally accepting my fate, as it were, but this seems to just make my boss even angrier, as if my seemingly calm demeanor implies I haven't been listening or the message is no sinking in. Again, what does she want me to say or do, get angry and indignant? Why should I if I know I've slipped up?

Is it any wonder that aspies and I want to work with computers. If you do something wrong all you get is a box with an error message in it, not a note in your personnel file and a tongue-lashing!

Confrontation causes me to shut down. It's been this way for me since I was a kid. I just completely freeze up. Don't learn anything from it since I am so shut down, there's no way for my brain to get anything useful from it.

When someone tells me off it sets off bad memories of when I was bullied in high school when I was in 9th and 10th grades when I was smaller than everyone and had to take it. Now that I am bigger than most people, I will get in someone's face and talk some s**t. I have a high verbal IQ and I am not afraid to use it in a verbal sparring match with some idiot. I will go after them verbally like a pitbull with rabbies. Nothing is off limits I will make fun of their clothing choices, intelligence, family that is with them, I will twist their own words on them, and anything I can see that is different or wrong with them. Don Rickels and Joan Rivers would be proud of some of the things I have said to people that started trouble with me. If I did not do this I would be bullied more often. They won't show me enough respect to leave me alone then they can fear me and leave me alone because they are worried what I might say to them in front everyone.

I get violent when confronted I can't help it. I try to walk away whenever possible but if they follow me it causes a violent melt down. I was beaten severly at school from 4th to 10th grade the only way I got it to stop was when I started acting out violently. I would contain my rages then after 10th grade I had a growth spurt I was bigger than most of my bullies so I started to have violent meltdowns where I was getting into fights over anything so people began walking on egg shells around me to avoid a confrontation.

Yes I hate confrontation aswell. When I was at primary school I think I was quite scared of the teachers for this reason, which is probably why I was so painfully shy and always tried to behave. I can remember vividly a couple of occasions when I was told off and I felt a huge injustice. It must have made a big impact on me because I can still remember it.

Come to think of it that's one of the reasons I always procrastinate so much over posting on WP and I tend to avoid any of the more provocative threads. It worries me how I will feel if someone disagrees with me rudely or has a bit of a go.

Ah Todesking, I know all too well what you're talking about. It took me really losing it back in my school days for my bullies to back off. I once took on 3 boy bullies all at the same time. I didn't do any lasting damage physically to any of them, but I sure gave them something to think about after they had the nerve to corner me on a day where I'd had enough of their bullying. One of them actually had the audacity to snitch on me about my counter attack. Had they thought of it, they would have beaten the crap out of me no problem. If I had told on them, I'd have been labeled a crybaby. I got sent to the principle's office along with all 3 boys. I'm sure our principle was a bit blown away that one 12 year old girl took on 3 boys. They had started it ages ago, but I ended it in one 5 minute rampage. After that, I took on a few more boys, & gradually gained a reputation that this tomboy doesn't take crap from anyone anymore. Still, I have people bully me to this day, but now it's verbal abuse, cussings, deprivations, etc. I hate confrontation. I hate being bullied too. But at the same time, I don't have the social skills to be assertive enough to end it. I am starting to work on gaining the necessary skills I never learned when I was younger. I hope I can get people to treat me with respect in the future. I have some, I just need to get it all the way around. I don't want bullies to see me as an easy target anymore.

Tomboy

Hi. Could I make some distinctions here? Y'all feel free to give me your opinions...I'm learning from reading so many great posts.

'Confrontations' is being used in this 'thread' (correct word?) as indicating only some sort of 'attack' (or, in the least, an action that upsets the recipient) being performed in a verbal fashion. Right? If this is right, then what'd be your opinion of the following? Say I'm learning some new task or have just recently learned it. I'm in the process of completing this newly-learned task, someone comes along, sees I'm doing/have done it wrong, and reaches out to physically correct my hands. Would that be considered a 'confrontation'? Would you think it wrong that I'd been corrected in that way? ...I know that most NT's (or, more generically, those who're verbal-oriented) would object - strenuously.

I ask the above because I so much prefer non-verbal 'corrections' than verbal 'corrections.' To me though, it sounds what's being described with the use of 'confrontations' IS really an attack than a true attempt at correcting a situation gone 'wrong'...be it in the workplace or in a social setting (sometimes no real difference between those two, eh?).

If 'confrontation' is more about petty posturing (as could very well be evidenced by who is/isn't serving as onlooker(s), the perceived attitude of the 'confronter', and so on) vs. helping correct or improve matters, then my answer is I pretty much detest it - whether it's in verbal form or non-verbal form. Possibly, the decision-making process applied to 'is it a confrontation or not' is reliant on the recipient's 'value' system. -Much like the decision-making process regarding sexual harrassment leaves plenty of room for interpretation 'error' and 'grey area' for harrassment to actually have occurred/been decided as having occurred.

This subject seems to be very much about individual comfort level. Some people are extremely comfortable with verbal behaviors that feel like attacks to others. Others are flabbergasted when 'exposed' to those same behaviors or when goaded into demonstrating them themselves. 'Making nice' and acting as if one (the recipient of the behavior) isn't bothered by what's tatamount to 'attack' or 'abuse' really doesn't seem to be a viable solution. Repressing what is basically a 'flight-or-fight' response in the name of 'can't-we-all-just-get-along' leads to alienation from one's self which, of course, leads to a host of varied, secondary 'symptoms' (including PTSD, hair falling out, ulcers, depression, generalized anxiety, etc.). Increased agitation, to a specific extent, shouldn't necessarily be a price an Aspie has to pay in order to 'keep the peace', should it?

I'm wondering if verbal-originated 'confrontations' seem more 'enhanced', more 'scary' (not really the word I want...), because some/more of us Aspies aren't 'credible' verbal defenders (and, maybe at some point, we've arrived at the conclusion that we are not going to be 'credible' in this aspect, in this lifetime). We haven't tallied many successful verbal interactions - especially if/when 'passions' or much stronger emotions are involved and, so, understand ourselves as having lowered competency in the verbal arena...and lowered likelihood of being the 'victor'. Many of us don't 'get' the verbal sparring thing...Being attacked with that 'methodology' means we're facing a situation of hostility with little-to-no defensive capabilities. Definitely a daunting prospect.

Something I've done for myself is looking more closely at what I will and won't accept. For example, I'll 'tolerate' being critiqued (or even criticized) on paper (I can make a 'paper trail' with the best of 'em) but being 'yelled' at in front of co-workers is unacceptable. I had accepted 'yelling' (and still accept it behind 'closed doors)in the past, but now know better the depth/breadth of the (overly-witnessed) event's occurrence on me. I've made the decision I will not tolerate the event and take steps to keep it from occurring (i.e. 'foreseeing' that a preachy co-worker intends to approach me or pre-advising a manager that should the event occur, my responses may include a, b, c... 'manager' usually doesn't like that and, having to put her/his money where their mouth is, gives lip service to insisting that disruptive event will not occur). If/when it does occur, I will follow that pre-designated course of action (as possible/as applicable) in order to maintain or regain my mental/emotional equilibrium. My idea about the preceding is that, just because the 'damage' from others' actions/behaviors is taking place inside of me ('unseen' by others) and/or just because I can't convey that damage info to them in ways that they understand or will accept, DOESN'T MEAN THAT THE DAMAGE ISN'T BEING INFLICTED AND STILL MUST BE ADDRESSED. That idea definitely crystallized when I, like Todesking referenced, experienced anger approaching a violent rage. In many, many situations, that level of anger was disproportionate and didn't 'feel' like me at my 'natural' self/state (plus, as a tactic/strategy, it's extremely tiring to maintain a high enough level of anger/rage to use for 'addressing' the too-many situations I found to not be conducive to me). Deciding courses of action before unacceptable events occurred felt more responsible, a form of damage-control BEFORE the damage actually occurred ('damage' in this sentence referring both to the damage that others may have inflicted on me AND to the damage I would have caused in counter-reaction).

Whaddya think?

As long as you do not call them a name or threaten their life say what you like. Its not like they can do anything to you except make half assed comments on WP. If they keep going after you in other posts tell a mod and get them banned.

I sometimes don't like this particular type of situation because I sometimes am not able to come up with an argument fast enough. I'm not that witty. I don't know how people come up with arguments so quickly. I can do some of it to a certain extent. After the fact, I usually play out an argument in my head, experimenting with different responses.

I have the same problem as you. I never know how to respond, & if I do it's usually by saying something stupid.

Found this old post when searching for posts on fear of confrontation.

I also can't bear:

Can I have word
We need to talk
Can I have a word with you
or even if I was you

I recently had to wait over a whole weekend having being told on a Friday that my daughter's headmaster wanted a word, but that he was suddenly called away and that I had to wait until the Monday.

If I do express my opinion or defend myself in these situations I tend to go overboard which reduced the credibility of what I'm saying.

I hate confrontation, yet won't hesitate to stand up for myself if / when attacked.