Adapting to an NT partner

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Compromise generally falls to the NT partner, mainly because however willing the AS may be, he's prolly not gunna SPOT that a situation requires compromise and even if he does, he prolly doesn't know how to compromise in the appropriate direction.
It's a bit like living with a blind person.

The reason I'm not in a relationship and don't want one is that to get your needs met in a relationship you have to know how to act. It's not just saying what bothers you and what you need, it's also acting in certain ways that work with that person. And since I'm hopeless at the nonverbal, I always used to end up being the doormat in my relationships, even if those men weren't abusive with other women. I wanted a relationship more than anything in life, and it was a dream extremely hard to give up. But being such a horrible doormat with every man was much worse.

That said, I don't know if you're a doormat. I don't know if you both work outside the home the same amount of hours, etc. Maybe sometimes he wishes he could be home relaxing, he's at work dealing with all the stress while you're watching your fav soap.

And I don't think being selfish has anything to do with having AS. Never cut a spouse any slack for AS. Aspies can be as fair as anyone else, if not a lot more.

try adapting to an AS partner who is just as rigid in his routines as you are!

I think the issue is my personal need for MY OWN routines and not whether a partner is AS or NT. IT won't make much difference - because the driving internal force for an AS Person is the need for her or his own personal way of doing things and sticking to regimens and special interests as well as limited contact with people and social exchanges. WHat i wonder is this.... Does an NT partner have a greater capacity for compromise and give and take than an AS partner?

Unfortunately OP, your description of your husband sounds like a description of mine. He is NT and I am AS. So, no, I wouldn't say that your problems are necessarily caused by AS.

I do agree with an earlier post that aspies (male) can change over time but that change is extremely slow and not very easily measured by changes in our outward behavior. As a result it's often the 'last man (or woman) standing' type of situation in relationships. Somebody has to bend or go away and it's almost always the NT partner who knows when to cut their losses and get out of the way by staying in the background or leaving the relationship.
There is the seldom occuring situation where two entirely different people do get along for some strange reason and find comfort and support form one another but it is extremely rare. It's a brain chemical compatibility thing almost as rare as Autism itself.

Remember Einsteins letter of demands to Mileva. Sometimes we're just stubborn.

It's interesting you raise this, because my husband (NT) and I (AS) are dealing with some similar issues.

For instance, he knows that it's very hard for me to be interrupted. So he'll say, "What time do you want to have dinner? I don't want to interrupt you in the middle of anything, so tell me when you'll be ready to eat."

My problem is that I have very little sense of how long anything will take me, so I'll say something really helpful, like "It's no problem, any time is fine." Then "any time" comes and I say, "Okay, I just need a couple of minutes." 15 minutes later, he'll come in and say, "I think it's been a couple of minutes." And I'll say, "Okay, sorry, I'm trying to finish this as fast as I can...." It's really unfair to him.

So now we have this deal. I have to be specific and commit to a time, whether I feel like I'm going to go nuts if I stop what I'm doing or not. He understands that transitions are very difficult for me; I don't like leaving a task undone in the middle. But I also understand that there's a respect issue here. If he's made dinner, I should come to a stopping place quickly and respect what he's done. Or if I've made a commitment to a certain time, I need to either hold to it or renegotiate it.

The thing that makes this work is that my husband gives me plenty of space in general. When I'm in my loft, that's my "alone and recharge" time. When I'm elsewhere, that's my "I'm a full-fledged member of the family" time.

So both of us have had to listen to how the other feels. The Aspie can't pull rank and say "Well, I have a hard time stopping things, so we can have dinner two hours later." The NT can't pull rank and say, "Why can't you just stop what you're doing and eat? What's the big deal?" I mean, I guess both parties can do this, but people pulling rank in any way, no matter what their neurological profiles, doesn't make for a good marriage. (Been there, done that, fortunately the divorce was not messy).

It seems that root of the problem with you and your DH is that he doesn't think having AS is a big deal. It is, at least from the perspective of marriage and children. If he took it more seriously, it would be much easier to sit down and work out strategies.

I really appreciate what you must be going thru. It's way easier for an AS male to live with an NT female so you must be going thru hell almost all of the time. To be honest I can't even imagine what it must be like so I'll keep my comments to myself.

well, yes garyww...quite frankly it is hell. I think women with AS have a really hard time in a relationship. Culturally, the onus has been on me to be the nurturer and to be all these things i am not. There have been huge expectation son me to somehow "toe the line" in ways that are utterly foreign to my way of being. very very difficult and i get mistaken for a selfish female constantly.
i am not. i am very nice and caring. but i cannot show it adequately. I can write it. but i cannot show it so easily.

In the culture that I came up from we call such people outlaws since they don't fit the mold so to speak.

calamity jane in "deadwood!"

"outlaw" suits me just fine, garyww. have a good day!

She is my kind of woman.