When I went to the doctors a while back, she said (obviously after many sessions with her) I seemed to be one of those people, that had symptoms all over the place, making it hard to pinpoint what was wrong. At this stage I wish they would, I am to the point of wanting to jump off a building. She did tell me to look at the autistic spectrum. I put that off for ages, though I did have a look. I am unsure, but I guess aspergers seems to answer alot of questions, basically about my social issues. I find it very hard to talk to people, it's not that I can't, it's just that it's always a big effort, and I say the wrong things or I can't maintain a conversation. Hence, I have no friends at all, not even one. I tend to spend most my time on my computer now. All I want too is learn, but I am finding that hard nowadays because the lonliness is killing me. So now my mind is caught between wanting to be logical and wanting to be emotional (i.e. trying to find someone to love and trying to talk to people, online considering it's the only place I tend to feel comfortable in talking to people, even though I still say stupid bloody things there too). This is why I don't think I have aspergers, because I am getting too emotional. Frankly, my mind is confused. I fear the emotion will drive me to the point that I will want to become cold hearted, I know that I could, the process has begun. I mean surely it is better I become cold hearted than die right? Oh and there is no point "going to the doctors" they don't help at all, I am tired of it. I had depression for nearly 5 years, they completely f****d up there, they never bothered to do any psychological analysis on me, they just assumed I knew what was wrong with myself...
I mean what kind of help is that, to treat me as if I know what is going on 24/7 in my brain. Hell sometimes I think I have a split personality. My father once said to me, it's probably your personality, deep down I said to myself, if it is then I am f****d (i.e. goodbye world). When I was younger, as my mother jjust said, I was erractic, constantly talking, hyperactive, I had problems with saying the ends of words though, which is slightly odd. What I remember when I was young though, well in my teens, my mum was talking when I was younger than 10. I remember, social rejection, never knowing the right things to say, saying stupid things most of the time, hence bullying. I remember waking up in the morning and telling myself to not be hyperactive and to control yourself, I would for like an hour then, bang back to the thing I bloody hated. The problem really was the lack of control, my mind was thinking something else, wanting to be something else, but my body acted differently. Basically destroyed my childhood.
The little things are the oddest though. For instance, certain sounds can really irritate me. I remember in fact when I was younger, being unable to understand say a question if I heard the slightest noise, it would annoy me, and then I would end up never understanding the question, then I would get angry, then beat myself up. I think I have become lazy to stop my more obessive side coming out. Meaning if I plan what I want to do in a day, and don't stick to it, I get very annoyed at myself, usually it's my bloody fault as well! So by being lazy, I somewhat know that I won't stick to it, which has led me to not beat myself up as much. Though, when I need to do work, and don't do it, hell has risen. Really if I want to get rid of these emotions that seem to get in the way, I need to allow myself to take control again, I know if I do that, I will definately not have relationships with people, worst thing is, if I was going to kill myself it would be done there and then without any warning, but that sounds better than this emotional rollercoaster.
You all probably think I am making a mountain out of a mole hill, I would just like to say, what I have said isn't everything, but there is only so much you can type. I know you probably think I am a massive moron, but I needed to vent this, get it out and all. I have always suspected something is wrong with me that I can't express in words. Really is my fault, I never expressed things to people (well I did but never the things deep inside just little things). I guess I shouldn't really be here, sorry. It's weird though, I can be weirdly emotional, then I can be really blunt and I guess logical. One minute calm, the next irritated, then calm. The weird thing about the emotions, is I don't think I ever felt them, I think that I think I feel them, I know that might sound odd, it feels odd. It's as if my brain is saying you are feeling this and that, but I usually feel empty, hard to explain. It's always been like that. That includes empathy, which is the weirdest for me. Wanting to die is another weird one too, I express in an emotional way, wanting to die, but the next minute I can be somewhat logical about it (for instance by dying I would reduce my potential carbon footprint in the future, that and my potential offsprings carbon footprint). Maybe "logical" is the wrong word, but then maybe "emotional" is too. Another fact about me, cannot stand conventions. I rarely stick to any of the typical social conventions, haven't a clue why to be honest, I get why I don't drink, but when it comes to music etc it's just plain weird. Do you think I have expressed emotion in what I have typed? I don't know if I have or not, because maybe I have learnt over time that is how you express such things, so maybe it's not actual emotion but merely the illusion of emotion. Can people seem to be emotional yet not truely feeling anything. My mother said I always seemed emotional more then logical, but thinking back, I rarely felt anything. I do not compute this, I hope someone can enlighten me abit. Sorry went on, I was meant to go. I guess I "felt" I needed to say this. I ask you to forgive me.
31 Dec 2008, 5:51 pm
